I’m really hoping some of you can offer me some much needed support and guidance as I’m young, confused and heartbroken. Where do I start?
I started my job coming up to 2 years ago now, which is where I met the guy who has broken my heart. When I first started, he was seeing another employee on and off which they did for a while. In the meantime, he was also seeing another employee which inevitably caused a lot of rifts between him and the two girls. At this stage, he was just somebody I worked with and got along with, there were no feelings there. However, in the last 4/5months he had stopped seeing both girls and it just so happened that we grew very close to eachother (particularly in the last month or so). Spending time outside of work together and talking on the phone every single day which everyone at work (excluding my best friend) is unaware of. Due to his reputation, I took everything he said to me with a pinch of salt as I didn’t want to fall too deep and get hurt but in the last month or so I’ve been pretty poorly. I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in hospital and just generally feeling very drained and not my normal happy self. He almost became a bit of an escape for me, someone to talk to everyday that made me so happy. But I would keep hearing whenever I went into work every week from the girl he used to see that he was always flirting with her which I would always question him about to which he would always deny, insisting that I was the only one he wanted to pursue. Knowing that the girl was unaware of the situation between him and I, I only really had his word to go by so would just go back to normal and we’d be fine. However, last week I went on a night out to take my mind off everything going on with my health and was told by the girl he used to see and another girl who used to work with us that he had gotten drunk and asked the girl he used to see if she would come back to his etc. In my angry and upset state, I went to the toilet and text him to say that whatever was going on between us it wasn’t going to continue. The next morning he was sending me numerous messages asking what I was talking about and calling me to which I ignored everything. I felt numb. In the end, I agreed to meet him that night as he wanted to discuss everything. This was the first time I had really made it clear that I wasn’t in good health (I still haven’t opened up fully about what’s going on as I’m not even sure myself as it’s ongoing tests at the moment) and that I couldn’t cope with all the disappointment that came with him on top of everything else. He appeared very put out and upset that he had made me feel like this and reassured me that it wasn’t true what the girls had said and he wanted nothing more than to support me through what I going through and he wanted to spend more time with me. After an emotional meeting, we agreed to put everything behind us and start afresh. He made me more happy than ever, always making sure I was okay and appeared to be making so much effort to make up for all the things I had been told. We arranged to spend some time together after work at the end of the week which he would always say how much he was looking forward to it. However, when I came into work that evening, I was told by the girl he used to see that he had tried to kiss her the night before. I couldn’t understand why he would do that after all we had spoken about and how insistent he was that he had no intentions with anyone else and he only wanted to pursue things with me. I felt physically sick and ended up not uttering a word to him all night, much to his confusion I guess as we were supposed to be the best we’ve been and I was meant to be spending time with him after the shift. I then had a bad spell of feeling ill at work meaning I had to take some time out and he immediately messaged me asking if I was okay to which I ignored. Then after work, I sat with my friend to have a chat whilst he did the same with his friends, messaging me again asking if I was okay. I then left saying bye which he was clearly put out by seeing as I was supposed to be with him after work. All night he was texting me asking what was wrong and I explained what I had been told earlier that night. He then called me and we were on the phone to eachother until the early hours. He opened up like he hasn’t ever done before, getting emotional and telling me that he didn’t want to lose me and he cared about me so much. He explained that he never had a male figure in his life growing up and so has never had an example. He kept apologising but still denied everything that he had been accused of. I kept telling him that I wanted to be on my own to get through my health issues I have on my hands (even though I want him there for me more than anything) because all of these accusations (or doings) are making it whole lot more difficult for me. He insisted he didn’t want me going through it alone and he wants to be there for me but im so drained by the not knowing that I said being on my own was the best option at this time. The next morning he text me apologising again. I then had to work with him that night and we didn’t exchange a word to eachother. I took it upon myself after work to message him back saying it’s a really difficult time for me and I can’t be let down anymore. Again, he insisted he wasn’t going to let me down ever again but I still insisted I needed to be on my own even though it’s the last thing I want. He didn’t respond to my message and I haven’t heard from him since. Its only been a few days but I’m feeling like the loneliest person in the world. I spoke to him every single day and even though I had all those doubts, he still made me feel better. He was someone to turn to and I’m absolutely devastated. In one mind, I feel like its for the best because I’m scared he will hurt me over and over again. But in another mind, I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. I miss him so much, he opened up to me, I feel like I understand him more and we really did have something I’ve never felt before. And if I’m honest, I feel like I need him to get through this but now he’s not there anymore. Is it because I said I wanted to be on my own? Or is it because he really just doesn’t care? I’m driving myself mad, I’m crying all the time, I just don’t know what to do. Please please can someone offer me some guidance as to what I should do.
I’m so sorry for this being so long, but I’ve never opened up like this before and just needed to get everything off my chest. I’ll greatly appreciate any advice x
(also, my bestfriend doesn’t think he’s any good for me and so I feel like I can’t even turn to her to express how I’m really feeling. I don’t think she understands how much I care about him.)
anony333 anony333
18-21, F
May 4, 2015