I keep coming back to this post I once read. I look back at what I wrote in August and here I am 5 months later, STILL in the same place. I want to sit here and say that I don't know and I don't understand why things are the way that they are. But I do. This man has no reason or incentive to treat me any better, because I accept all that he does. I accept the fact that he wont commit to me. I give him boyfriend privileges that he has never asked for nor earned. And I sit her 2 days before Christmas feeling the same hurt and loneliness that I have felt for the last 2 1/2 years. I wish I knew a magic spell that would snap me back to my senses. Something that would help me to rebuild my self-esteem and realize my worth. I am soooooooo tired of loving someone that doesn't love me back. And if tears were dollars I would be a billionaire because I have cried a river for this man. I have NEVER felt this type of pain before. Even my divorce didn't hurt like this because sadly to say, I didn't love my ex-husband the way I love this man. In my defense I met my husband at 16, married him at 18 and we got divorced 3 years ago. We were young and didn't know any better. But this relationship that I entered after my divorce has crushed me. I thought I knew what I was doing. I have never been so wrong. I mean look at me. I am crying like a toddler, complete with snot bubble (tmi i know) but I am. My makeup is shot and I haven't eaten in days. I am a wreck. I'm 36 years. I have 4 degrees including a juris doctorate. I have an amazing job. Beautiful daughters from my marriage and here I am being the woman I pray they never become. I solve problems all day, every day. I am able to help other people pick up their lives and move forward but here I am, in this dark hole of emotional despair. I so want to say something wise and inspiring to other women. I want to say cliche things like....there are other fish in the sea, or it is his lost. But I feel that we are both losing. But I guess that's life. You live and you learn. I just hope my next lesson doesn't hurt as much as this one.

I know things are said in the beginning of a relationship, maybe it's not what you want at that time, or maybe it isn't a priority. But at some point the b.s. goes away and love starts to creep in. At the moment when you're laying with that person and you realize that this isn't just a booty call, and things feel differently. That is the moment when you need to sever ties. Continuing on only brings more pain and scars.

This scar may heal, it may even fade but it will never go away. I will carry it with me every day of my life. And that is a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

I know someone will read this and think negatively of me. But I am me. My feelings are valid and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Every situation is different and all hearts never break evenly, so what is simple for you might be complex to someone else.

This is my truth. This is who I am and where I am. This is my moment.
Nikip10 Nikip10
36-40, F
Dec 23, 2015