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Ah!

I get contradicted. Told off. Criticised. Belittled and shouted at. He tells me I can't dress my self properly and that he's embarrassed to be seen with me. He tells me I'm a 'dud' girlfriend, and that I'm not like other females. He says I act like a child and that I suck all the joy out of everything like a whining 3 year old. Either that or a 14 year old. We get along most of the time. I'm suffering with depression lost all my friend some years ago and got diagnosed with BPD. I've told one friend but she see's more as gossip for her friends than something to talk through with me. I'm isolated and sorry for myself. I'm thoughtless and mindless. I'm stressed. So forgetful and absent minded. I left the oven on after I had finished using it twice in one week. I apologised and said I wouldn't do it again. Tonight I've been told I'm a tw@ and c(nt a c0ck. I felt hungry at about 5 to 11 and dot have any food in the cupboard except for potatoes. I roasted two for an hour and ate them in silence. He told me he didn't want any. I ate it. Finished and sat for two minuets to let it go down. He went down stairs. He saw I'd left the oven on ...again. As I passed him on the stairs bringing down my plate. 'You left the oven on'. I washed my plate and took out experience project before I explode. I hate myself. I truly despise my being. Why am I so useless why why why. I ruin everything my forgetfulness winds me into all sorts of trouble. I find it more and more difficult to leave the house as I feel I'm begining to get paranoid. Ill lose something I've forgot my purse my travel card my brain? I am not trust worthy. I'm a hazard. And yet I love him I wish desperately to please him. To show him I can change I can be a good woman. I am worthy of his love. All I do is ruin everything. I'm trembling as I write this and my skin crawls. I hate hate hate myself for being so pathetic. My head pounds. I'm stuck in this freezing cold kitchen as can't go back up to face the wrath of his fury for my forgetting the oven. I have an interview for a great job tomorrow. Ill put my face on and pull up my socks. Ill remember the papers and my travel card but please experience project please be there when I get back. Ill likely not get the job. I likely be kindly let down. I can face that but ill be sad. I can take the rejection of someone who is employed at a lively establishment and ill try try again. But how an I go back upstairs now and face the criticism. I'm sorry I'm a f4ckwit. I'm sorry. Ill not do it again. Where's the paracetamol....
Waitingfornow Waitingfornow 22-25, F Jan 7, 2013

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