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Who Am I?

I am lost in my own mind, have been searching for me my whole life. I look in the mirror and see a person I don't know. She is a very beautiful ugly person is all I know. She has never been touched by a loving hand as she chose a man with no emotions. I have enough for the both of us. These days she is hold up in her own little room. She wakes up alone feeling happiness, turns up the music and dances a dance. There is joy and optimism in her heart. She puts her hand on the doorknob , hesitates to turn it, she knows what's on the other side, she looks around her safe room one last time , takes a deep breath and prepares for the battle, she opens the door, it hits her all at once almost knocking her down. She is very strong , nothing can do her in but herself. She has been fighting since day one so she knows the drill, mouth shut do what your told, hide her away and precede to **** up another beautiful day. So that is what she dose. She ends her day back in her room all by herself, she is sitting in the corner, tears running down her face, she has her hand on the cold wall, it reminds that this is all real. She knows she died a long time ago but yet the pain keeps her alive . She sits and ponders who tortured her fist, is it them or is it her. She thinks for while, takes a vote, just as she thought, it was her all along. What a worthless piece of crap she turned out to be, if she was something else,something better he, them,and they would have all loved her. She has spent her life pushing and holding on for dear life all at once. 46 years of being a daughter,sister, wife ,mom and the best fing person she knew how to be. She sits in her corner were she feels safe, the cold wall gives her comfort, there is no one left to rescue her now, she smiles, job well done, tears, she swallows the sadness,loneliness, hate, fear, followed by a few pills and a cold drink of water. She looks at the bottles, wonders how much more can she take before she empties them all at once. Help
mywaves mywaves 46-50, F 1 Response Feb 10, 2013

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We are similar... I often feel how you do. My husband is not abusive but doesn't know how to show love the way I need. If you would like to connect I would be willing to exchange messages.
Be safe!