I Want To Kill You Before There Is A Chance That You'll Break My Heart

I love him enough to want him dead. I've never giving my heart to anyone before and wasn't really intending to do so ever. My plan was to plan the perfect life and live it... I didn't really know about all the feelings I was 'supposed' to have for a partner. When I learned about this feeling and the vulnerability of love, I realize that it's a dangerous game. I don't want to play.

I don't think he realizes that the 'petty' arguments and random hurtful comments, that might seem so insignificant in other peoples relationships are not so small to me. You see, now you're my enemy, you are no longer on my side, you are attacking me. It's now you or me and for survival I now have to take you out (if I don't make myself my own enemy and crave my own death again). This constant cloud/battle of wanting his death vs my own is new. I think it's because I'm in a program to no longer self harm and my intense emotions still need to be expressed and if it's no longer inwards which was partinally to protect others from me, then I'm left with out wards now.

Sleeping beside him at night, I watch him breath in and out and the throbbing pulse of his neck, he's so fragile in his sleep and I love him. I love him to death.

He's not abusive or anything. His personal 'issues' trigger me (bpd) beyond what I can stand. We have been together about six years (broke up for one year and got back together). Having a spouse is just too risky, I get worse as I get older and I'm crazy and dangerous on my own but with him, I'm no longer just chaotic but instead I'm on high suicide risk and a ticking time bomb to his death.

He knows this, we've talked about it and I wont leave him and he says he can't leave me either. So he'll eventually cheat on me (again) and we will fight all the time and then one of us will die. It may not even happen for four more years but I can feel it and battle that anxiety of it each day (with a smile on my face because I don't want to miss the good moments in the present or at lease don't want him to know).

I just want him to hold me. I hate love. I hate feelings. I hate this, I've never been THIS before. I even find myself hoping that he'd get hurt and then he'll need me. Or even get someone to hurt him. Sounds horrible. I'm horrible for thinking of this.

Sorry about the crazy talk but don't have friends anymore because of bpd.


I'm rambling and he likes to do research and background checks on me and others around me and go through stuff of mine and so I'm hoping he wont hack into my account and read all my personal stuff

Me or him, me or him, me or him?
TeenyTiny TeenyTiny
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 14, 2010

Not only do I know someone close to me who's experiencing the same thing, I actually thought you were her. You're dp even resembles her. & I myself can also relate.. Those horrible 'wishes' you think of, I think like that too sometimes.. I've been in a toxic relationship for a long time too, but neither of us will leave each other. Have no more friends either, b/c of bpd and my relationship. I hate these Intenseee feelingsss I have for him, yet I do not know how I could live without loving him & having him love me.. I'm younger than you, but I've been through so much.. I understand, and I'm so sorry whenever I hear of other people going through similar situations. I've been hospitalized, arrested, you name it, for the crazy **** i've done. I've stabbed myself, stabbed my bf, done the most insane things in PUBLIC... I can't even believe it was me that done it after the fact, once I'm calm and 'back to normal'. I thought I was over feeling suicidal, last time I wanted to kill myself was after my miscarriage and an insane bpd episode that got me tackled by police.. but the feeling is started to come back again. I know that being in a relationship has made my bpd worse, but like you, I don't want to let go of the only person I've ever felt this way for. I seem crazy, but I'm working 2 jobs - attend a good uni - act like I got everything under control... 'til you catch me at my vulnerable moments.. Sure you know what I mean. Once you feel weak, you feel the need to fight back/defend yourself 100x more than you need to...<br />
I'm stubborn so therapists haven't really helped me, but hopefully there's a solution to this bpd sh*t.

pop into the BPD Cafe on face book today. Chat, forum and much more.

To add some insight into this topic, I would just like to point out that I too experience this sort of love/hate ritual you describe so well in your blog. I have been living with my roommate (who I secretly love) for about 3 years and it is constant turmoil and battle. We are either the happiest people alive or we are out for the kill. When I tell people how it hurts me to be with him and people tell me to leave, I think they're crazy! I CAN'T LEAVE HIM! And whenever he threatens to leave me in the heat of battle I lose myself and cry and plead and beg for him to stay and just want to be with me. In one instance, I placed myself at his door and kept cried until I couldn't breathe. And yet other times I will plan out how I will live my life without him and how happy I will be to never see his face again. But I'm stuck. NOTHING in this world makes me happier than him and NO ONE can make me hurt like him. He knows I have BPD and he's very understanding but he teases the idea of separating every once and a while and I'm afraid for myself if I should have to live without him. I ache for him. I don't dare show him the depth of my longing to him. I would do anything in the world for him. And yet sometimes all I want to do is hit him and just tell him how he's ruined my life. The moral of my ramblings are that you are not alone. I wish this disorder would just make it easier to love and be loved but we must be the ones who are at constant struggle with the thing we need the most in the world, love.

Hi, I have no idea how I found this site or your article..OMG.<br />
This is soooo me!<br />
I had issues, but before I was diagnosed with BPD. I thought I just had a I dont give a **** attitude about everyhing. Black/White. My way or the highway...Etc.<br />
Told my ex, father of my children to move out in July 09. We were still together sort of but living apart.<br />
Make a long story short, he found someone blah blah blah all the while he was with me too!! SICK,,<br />
Anyways, I want you to read my blog.<br />
I thought I was going crazy! Now since August of 2010, I recently started cutting myself, when I am overly hurt, beyond belief, when I dont know where or how else to show my emotions, I started to cut (or mor soe scratch my arms) I loved seeing the blood. It made me feel..I am glad to know that I am not alone and crazy.<br />
One day I love him the next I dont need him.<br />
Tricia