Whats It Like For You?

So i have been diagnosed with BPD for about 2 years before knowing what it was all about i just thought the worst of myself. I was a very angry person and for the most part i had no idea why. I am married and my marraige has survived alot but it was hit hard. My husband was a firefighter and i would pray for him to come home safe and then the moment he walked thru the door was like a switch and i was instantly mad at him. I had no idea why. I was always worried he would leave me and always feared the worst of every conversation. My sexuality and promiscuity took a turn and what was almost ended our marraige. I felt like i couldnt get enough "attention". I apologize for the change in topic but another issue i cant hold focus for long, I change my mind about everything, I have never held a job, and have been back to college atleast 5 times although im sure its more. I see everything in black and white (one of my husbands biggest issues with my BPD) even before we knew what to call it he would ask me "Why does everything have to be so black and white with you?'' I have a horrible memory and im not really sure what that has to do with BPD if anything i just know i do things and say things that i often forget about within a day. Does anyone else have blank spots? Sometime i get extremely anxious and i feel like a manic episode, i feel as though i can fix the world and do anything but at the same time because i havent done those things i feel insufficient (right word?) I get obsessed with new adventures but they fizzle quickly like i get bored easily. This is very brief and vague i know but i often see sites about how people can help you cope or whatever with BPD but not many share specific detailed true life stories. That is what i hope to get from this im willing to share if you are! Thank you for reading and i hope this finds you in a good place and if not hopefully something i have already experienced can help you on your journey!!!
justanotherface22 justanotherface22
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Wow. I can relate to you on many levels. I do and feel the same way that you do in every relationship that I am in. Sometimes I think that I am incapable of loving someone without hating them and thinking that everything that they are doing in their life that doesn't involve me is selfish. When I feel like I am not getting the attention that I deserve, I start to feel sorry for myself an fantasize about other men and feel like cheating on him would be justified by his lack of interest in me. After losing someone that I became obsessed with 7 years ago, because he left me, I choose now leave people before they get a chance to leave me, because the thought of them leaving makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. If I sit down and fantasize long enough about them leaving me, Its as if they already did. I live my life in fear and to avoid abandonment, I avoid relationships altogether. I have actually come along way. I have decided that instead of relying on other people, I rely on myself which isn't that promising
because I let myself down a lot. But It's better than the pain. Anything is better than the pain of losing love, especially when they leave you. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here. I am in the fight of my life to find a place of peace and I want to scoop up all people that suffer like me. I know a lot of techniques and therapies that really help with bpd. I'm glad I read your story. Thank you

I just noticed that my story title is the same as yours! Sorry, I didn't see it. I can relate to just about everything that you wrote! In particular- the memory issues. i always thought I had a pretty sharp memory, but as I get older I find that its pretty selective. I remember things in a certain way, only to be told by others that it didn't happen how I see it. I also find that recently, people close to me will say "Dont you remember such and so?", and I will have no idea what they are talking about.

Hi there, lots of hugs for you before I started to share my own story. Well, I just want to say there is always hope for recovery. I don't believe that life stops after one being diagnosed as a BPD.

I used to be so confused with myself, I didn't want to grasp the idea of having a mental illness.

I went counselling twice, didn't survive long. Now after noticing that I have most of the BPD symptoms, I plan to look for a more suitable therapy (DBT perhaps) from a qualified person.

Anyways, I have similar experience with you, and for the past three years this emotional roller coaster was at its peak, I used to think that my short-fuse temper was normal, and my problem in finding the real soul-mate also normal, but what started to make me notice something was off within me was a histrionic episode which happened in my professional environment.

If I was normal, I would never let that happened.

That was the moment I realized something is terribly wrong. And I was diagnosed as paranoid, schizophrenic, etc..etc, but my family didn't want to believe that, heck I was the one trying to find a cure for myself and everybody thought I was being a drama queen.

And then I met my husband, we got married, and for a while I thought I was so lucky that I found someone who really loves me.

But the nightmare just started another round, the first month was great, but afterwards, it was chaos.

Now my husband has threatened to file a D a couple of times. And each time he said that, my hostility subdued significantly. Maybe at first he didn't really mean it, but now, after 18 months together, I can see that he is really stressed out. He doesn't know what he is dealing with. And my husband always think that I am a normal woman with a bit traumatic relationship experiences though I behaved like a paranoid monster, but for him that means we are still in the early marriage process. I don't know how to tell him that I might need to start seeing another therapist.

Anyway whatever outcome between me and my husband, I know both of us will be just fine.
I hope this is not just me being in denial.