An Ugly Truth But Begging For A New Beginning

I've always felt strange since a child.

Now after years of faking growing up, under many masks, and using others as a crutch to keep up facades to the outside world, whilst really rebelling against my family.

Now I am really back to square one, the facade has yet again collapse, and all the memories of how I've acted, all the attention and pleasure seeking, all to sooth my fragile ego, or super ego?! I'm not sure which.

No one understands this selfish pattern , how can they? When they haven't felt to need to behave this way ....... I wish I was guaranteed to feel better, to be connected and be a real person with real feelings and compassionate and to connect in the world , without fear, just being me and not afraid.

For a couple of years I've faked a mask of half sanity, an image to hide the ugly truth. Within the time, I bundled the truth the demons, the shame and pushed them away , gone to the back of my head, pushed & pushed, and put on a front of bubbly, over confident, self indulgent, I can achieve anything - I'm so popular - I'm amazing- I am so special, and going to have this amazing life-
Till it creeps back in, then all the reality, the buried horrible truth, the fragmented memories of being alone and afraid , the shame of the brash, in your face wannabe, thinks she's it, all because mummy gets abused and provides the funds to do so. I can no longer be that lie,
How can I ?
It's not real .... It's horrible.

I wish things could change I could change my selfish ways- feel connected and a part of society- feel responsibility for who and what I am and what I do........
Enjoy my family, respect things and people ....... Put all the shame and memories and failures in a box which is labelled " dealt with and forgiven, viewed in another way" and a fresh new person rebuilt- or rebuilding- ready to begin to help others?????
Changeneeded Changeneeded
26-30, F
Jan 10, 2013