Choking On Tears

I have read most of the posts, with tears choking in my throat. I have had BPD for many, many years but unfortunately , although it was noted in my medical records so long ago, nobody told me until last year. I can identify with each and everyone of you. I am so glad I found a group like me and don't feel like such an alien today. Maybe now I can stop trying to find places to hurt myself where it is not easily visible to others. Maybe now I can stop blurting out inappropriate things for no reason. Maybe now I can perhaps cry..I dare not even try.. I am afraid I will never stop..Maybe now I can get rid of this incredible rage and at the very least show or demonstrate a normal level of anguish and anger..I do not dare to..every emotion is suppressed. Every tear, checked and swallowed back. My family doctor is dabbling in medications for me but he's no psychiatrist ergo I'm the "experiment". I am on a waiting list to see the specialist I need to see, but in Canada specialists, although free of charge, are few and far between. I've been waiting for 4 years now. I hate me and I do wish for death, it seems like such a peaceful prospect. I am very highly educated so I should know better..but this..this is a crippling disease and I cannot control it. I am all alone in the world, I have alienated everyone in my life, on purpose because they all find me "weird". Again, I'm glad I Googled support groups..and here I am, with you, sharing.
carmeneva carmeneva
51-55, F
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

It's amazing how much we can know about ourselves and still have no control. It's so wearing!! I picked up this book a couple days ago called Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder A family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A. after spending some time reading a little of each book they had on the subject I decided this seemed to be the most helpful. Maybe this can help you too in the meantime while you wait. Good luck!