My Imminent Death

My self inflicted death date is coming up in several months.
No asking for help or anything because I am totally decided.
Quitting my job in the next few months so I can have the freedom to actually do what I choose on a daily basis before I die.
I could tell you a sob story about the bad things that happened to me but that pain is all past.

Thing is I'm just tired. And there is nothing left ahead of me but old age. Which I see no benefit in experiencing.
My cousin died last year and we were the same age. He worked so hard to support his family and keep them together but he died before he could see his children fully mature. He worked so hard to free himself and his family from the enslaving influence of some members of our family but he did not live to see his own success.

Made me realize that I have been wasting all this time living for no reason. Because I'll never get what I want in this world and even if I achieved wealth and actual stability death would eventually take it away. Wasted energy getting an education and building my job history so I can retire one day and have plenty of time to do certain things but be too old to do them. Should have just partied and caroused my time away. Would have been just as effective in the grand scheme of things. Or kicked on welfare/public assistance like so many others I know.

Before anyone comes in with the counter comments of 'add meaning to your life', 'dedicate yourself to helping people', 'let go of attachments', "there are people in the world who are really suffering', and similar overly repeated sayings let me tell you I have heard them all. Which is why i have only talked about my previous suicide attempts and current suicide plans online.

Because I do not need some dirt for brain doctor trying to give me drugs or CBT to 'help' what they see as my depression. I'm not depressed. Just because I see living as pointless and a waste of energy for myself does not mean I am mentally unhinged. And I am really sick of soceity and the medical community saying so. My existence is nothing but a random chance and everything I do is driven by the base desires to pass on my genetics. Any meaning added to life was purely a result of my delusions after being suffocated for years in the ideas of family and society.

I do respect all of those who choose to live and who choose to add meaning and purpose to their lives.
But I wish there was respect for those of us who choose not to. Instead of people thinking we need help unless of course we ask for it directly or indirectly.
Maybe my goals are too high. Life just is not worth me settling for less.

I wish we had something like Dignitas here in the US so I could just go to a clinic, pay a fee, and go to sleep.
They do it for dogs but as a human I have to actually summon up the courage to off myself.

Damn shame.
NonExistX NonExistX
31-35, M
2 Responses May 9, 2012

Courage?I think it takes more to live than to take Your life.

Actually choosing to live takes delusion, hope and faith.
Neither of which are useful to me.

ok personally i felt a little like that...i believe people who die by committing suicide have no dignity what so up and face the difficulties in ur life...there is no excuse to end one's life...ur life doesnt belong to u its somthn that god gives u and expects to appreciate it... believe it or not many ppl wish to have half what u got...learn to appreciate what u have and improve what u got...<br />
perhaps travel and meet new ppl...ppl that will interest u nd encourage u to do something more exciting.

Wow! Most of the time i have kind words and comfort to give.Im lost here.

My life was givn to me by my parents because they did not use borth control or abortion. No disrespect to you but I am an agnostic/atheist which means my life and my will belong solely to me. And it just is not worth it anymore. Finally got my assets liquidated and I am going to travel around, party, and then go to sleep to never wake up.

no offense but i dont understand how on earth u can b an atheist, it aint something cool...1st of all just cuz u dont c god doesnt mean hes not there. Im not religious or anything but i do beleive that god is out there.
Take an ant as an example its a tiny insect but its made of millions of tiny cells that no human being can ever create a real frikkin ant! u cant just c all the animals, trees, sky, life and not wonder whats behind this creation...something really great that u can not c, simply cuz ur just too small to c a bigger world that ur part of.

Im sorry but ur one depressed aqua man. I thought aqua men always find ways to b happy and they just dont give a damn about emotional crap. That should make u stronger. Its always the emotional ppl that have a harder time to move on with life.

Be strong and c life with a better eye and trust me finding something to keep u busy will get ur mind off suicide! otherwise good luck sleeping forever lol

Life is pointless.
There is no reason for me to continue because all that awaits me is old age, wringles, mental and physical infirmity, abnd all the other messed up things that come along with aging. If nanotechnology and genetic science3 was advanced enough to revert me physically back to age 21-25 and give me enhanced mental and physical faculties, then maybe.

But to keep living in a world and follow ruies, laws, and traditions set forth by others, is a waste of my time. And since I like modern technology there is no way to get regular access to rhat without lining in an area that is under some kind of already established culture or rule set. If I win the lottery before January I'd probably stay because I can live well somewhere in a reclusive state and do not have to deal with inane red tape from day to day.

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