Really Suicidal

I've been depressed since I was a little kid, around 8 years old is the earliest I can remember. I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen. Since then, I've continued to be depressed most of the time. I'm either completely sad or completely numb. I was date-raped last year in my freshmen year of college and I've been having some problems with my  memory since then. A month ago, I went on wellbutrin and things started looking up. I finally felt happy and good. I couldn't believe it. But then tonight, all of that sadness came flooding back. I feel completely alone and I've thought very seriously about suicide so many times in my life and now is one of those times. I've never posted something online like this before, but I just feel like I have nothing right now. Usually, I snap myself out of it by thinking about how much it would hurt my family, but lately it has begun to occur to me that everyone would be much less burdened if I could just be gone. I know on some level that this is irrational. I do. But I've felt so disrespected and alone lately, none of it seems to matter. I know it's selfish. I just don't see how I can keep dealing with this pattern of sadness my whole life. I will never be who I want to be. It feels like I will never be able to stop being a burden on everyone. And I never intended to be! It's the last thing I wanted. I've been on so many medications and gotten so much "help" from so many different doctors and now, I'm just so sick of all of it. I'm sick of being ignored and used, but more than anything, I'm sick of feeling depressed when there is simply nothing to be sad about. I have a good life and I'm so lucky. I guess some part of me just selfishly wants out. I need help, but I don't know where to turn anymore.
aavviivvaa aavviivvaa
May 15, 2012