So tonight im drinking. People over here. Live my life try to pretend everythings fine. Thats what youre supposed to do right pretend? Thats what everybody else does. I just want to be a part of something in my life. The rest seems to have passed me by.

I just realized theres no im suicidal experience on here and i feel honored that im the one to add it. I doubt i really do it because im a coward and i keep telling myself that theres some real reason to keep going on with this hellish existence and believing that things will change because thats the way it is i guess.

This life man serioulsy what the ****. People are so confusing and full of ****. But nobodys supposed to say that outloud. But hey im sayiing it. Im just uncool like that. I like to tell the truth and all that good crap.

So ive lived my whole life not fitting in, not even finding any semblance of a chance to be who im supposed to be. So at this point i just want to smile and nod and say whatever im supposed to say so theyll leave me the **** alone.

You know everybody dies in this life, whys it such a big deal if you dip out a little bit early? I know they say its a cowards way out but really if you think about it, thats not always true. Sometimes when you have no friends in your life except the ones in your head its a clear indicator maybe its time to move on to the next state of existence.

Ive been married, had kids, twice been married and divorced, been in the army and out. Been to jail once,and got out, so somehow or other i think ive seen a little bit. Despite those guys you meet that would have you think they seen it all but cant be bothered to return a damn phonecall. But you know what **** those guys. This is about the lonely man, the lonely lady who got lied to for the 50th time in a row.

You know you see about these people on TV and you read about them in the readers digest and on random internet blogs, but I still dont think people get it.

Stop sticking your heads so far up your *** to where you cant realize people are suffering. Dont call yourself a friend if youre really not.

Ibe been drinking quite a bit and this is the point youre not supposed to make much sense but what if youre making all the sense in the world. I mean at least i got sense enough to listen to james taylor as the soundtrack for all this thought process.

Names, its all ******* names. and i dont have one.

I really want to die right this minute, be done with al the fake bullshit and the fake *** people and the fake ways of moving through the crowd. I see every single god damn one of you and i cant do a thing about it except take a revolver somebody got on a special and blow off my head. And then maybe yould think about it for one second/.

The point is nobody realy gives a thought to all of it. Life in general. Im going to go out and live my lonely *** life, and not cause any trouble at all. Because thats what were supposed to do. I dont wanna be any troubel for anybody. So im going to bite my tongue, and pass this night quickly and forget who i am for a while. Because that makes more sense than facing the sittuation.

Seriously id give anything to have a real friend right now but even my wife, a roommate i saved from being homeless and a bunch of other random people i **** all cant be bothered to tell you the story about cant be bothered to really check on me and see if im okay. All they care about i si dont ruin their weekend.

Sounds about right. so off i go. Seriously EP get a ******* im suicidal section wheres your head at man? If youre gonna be a real website you gotta have **** like this too. Im real sorry about that, i know everybody wants to be a winner, but the facts are some of us are losers, and we gotta do our parts too.

To sum up this a long ******* story and nobodys got time for it. Yall have a good night. I know i am.

shinjorai shinjorai
41-45, M
2 Responses Aug 16, 2014

I hear you bro.

Sorry man i had been drinking a little bit lol. Thats why i need to lock my comp when im gonna drink anything otherwise i write stupid stuff like that, but at least i got it off my chest i guess. I hope youre having a good weekend man.

Hey. I see it didn't go so hot. But we're not all fake losers, & I'm not just in your head. I care about you. I'm here to listen. Please tell me that can count for something. I've had a pretty great week this week & talking to you has been a big part of that. I know it's rough, but it's not hopeless. I'm praying for you. Let me know if there's anything else I can do.

I dont think youre a fake loser at all saundra, i think youre a really great person, just like teab above too. I just get fed up with my sittuation sometimes and i guess its easier for me to find people to blame instead of my own self, but its not even my own fault its this stupid illness in my head. But i feel a LOT better since we went out last night, actually had a pretty fun time. I appreciate the prayers and well wishes too and just thank you for being my friend, it means lot, really.