Almost Half Way Through
I am on month six, during this, me and my soldiers first deployment of thirteen or fourteen months. By the time he gets home he will have missed both my twentieth and twenty first birthdays. Also, if they keep him the full fourteen months he will also miss both our first and second anniversaries. He has no clue when he's coming home. It can be either September, October, November, maybe even December, (he says they pushed his deployment date back sixteen days). It's been really hard not having an actual cut off date, but that's really not what I'm concerned about in our relationship. He's been gone since September, and we talked all the time before he left for Afghanistan. Even though he was over 300 miles away I still felt our connection. When he went to Afghanistan everything changed. The first couple weeks he called once or twice a week. Then, it turned into once a week at the most, and now it's been almost three weeks since the last time I talked to him. Yes, he sends me short inattentive Facebook messages saying he loves me and shortly answering a question i might have asked him in the week or two since hes messaged me. But one time, I saw him online, and he just wouldn't talk to me. Like he was ignoring me, then I saw a new status up on his page, when I'd been messaging him for ten minutes. It hurts to think that he would just turn his back on me like that. I'm really trying hard not to '*****' or create a fight between us. So, I haven't brought this up to him yet. But with all the questioning, and the feeling ignored, and just the straight up loneliness that comes along with deployment, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of him acting like it isn't hard for me, and like I was overreacting about him leaving, just because no one else in his life was crying or telling him how much he means to them like I was. Did he ever stop and think that I am the only one who is completely alone in this? Does he know that even when I'm surrounded by a million people I feel completely alone because none of them understand me the way my boyfriend does? He has his friends over there who all miss someone too, who can understand what he's feeling, but me, I have no friends that can even begin to understand what I'm going through. I have been so alone for so long, but I really love him. I just want him to understand that this is hard for me and acknowledge it! Although I'm supposed to be his support system, shouldn't he care about what I'm going through? and whats going on in my life? Shouldn't he tell me I'm beautiful and that he couldn't live without me? I haven't heard that in such a long time, my self esteem is definitely being affected. How can you keep waiting, and keep your faith in someone who seems to have left you in the dust? How can you explain yourself to countless people who ask how you can wait for someone for a year, when you really don't know the answer yourself anymore? I feel so hopeless, like I'm stuck. I need someone to help me. I can't do it myself anymore.