When i was 16 i had moved with my family to new area for my dads work. In an unfamiliar place a lone awkward teenager with no true friends and a feww hidden mental health issues.

Unfortunately for me homelife was unstable, my mom was somewhat selfish and emotionally unavailable(only because she was dealing with her own demons). My dad constantly working to take care of not only his family but a few of his brothers and sisters. So i did not get much attention.

Bullying in school shot my confidence and holding in my anger gave me anxiety and eventually depression.
Then teenage acne and all that just made me worse, acne scars made me so self conscious and i rarely left the house.

I would either play video games or watch tv. There were times where i just lay in my backyard and watch the clouds and wish i was a cloud just drifting away.
Or fantasize often about just leaving and sometimes contemplated suicide because at times i felt life was playing a huge prank on me.
It really hit me when my own mother stopped communicating with me, because i would not take her side in an argument (only because she refused to see her own flaws).
we lived in the same house and over time i resented her for not being the type of parent who guides rather than passively aggressive to her own child.
So i looked to my father but much of his own time was spent earning money and too often he would say money can do anything; O how i wish he taught love over money, love can conquer all.
(so many things to say but im going to keep this part short)

Depression and anxiety took over and much to often i would put on a mask that said i am fine, i am ok.
How i wish i could just scream at my 16 year old self to seek help, but unfortunately the answer was always the same "just get over it you *****!" i would often say to myself.
(the lies we tell ourselves are far worse than the lies we tell others)
The people around often tried to poison my mind with their words and though i had put on my armor agaisnt them, to often they would get a strike in.

Note: it is ok to let yourself feel sadness

I fell into numbness. Not that i didn't feel but i did not let myself feel a thing because i believed if something good came my way it would just be another joke at my expense in the end. My self esteem seemed ******.

I fell into bad habits and often did things to distract myself rather find myself, aside from reckless drinking and behaviour (i was a psychologically dependent alcoholic); time wasted away on what seems like now a blurry memory.
At times often thought about suicide and dieing.
I remember countless times hoping that freak accident would take my life imagining what it would be like to be dead.
(Bruce Lee save my life, two lines i will remember forever
"Walk on" and " Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one")
Though there were times i often pondered the meaning of life and its existence, there were times of great clarity.
Bad habits do not break easily.

Twelve years on and i have been sober and clean for about a year and a half.
Dealing with myself, learning to love myself as though i were someone worth loving.
We are all beings worthy of love, but love begins with oneself.

P.S compared to the problems many others face each day, i know this sounds like a 1st world problems but to me they were real.


SirKnight86 SirKnight86
31-35, M
Aug 17, 2014