It's Beyond ComprehensionI suppose, if anyone knew my whole story, they might find it ironic that someone who has battled severe depression for years and engaged in self-injury and attempted suicide would be terrified of the passing of time. Life is on fast-forward and I can't find the button to slow it down.
When I was 13 I got depression, which deepened quickly and was relentless. I feel like the depression killed any chance I had of being a teen, and now when I look back it's fragments. It's like watching snapshots of someone else's life - I didn't live it, the depression did, and now I don't even remember all that much of it. I didn't get to be a teen, that's what it feels like. It's like I went to sleep at 13 and woke up an adult. Yes I still have depression and I imagine a few years from now I will look back at now and have the same fragmented, dodgy memory of it and wish for it to happen again.
I cry myself to sleep, fearful of any minor milestone and terrified of the major ones. I count out the years since I left school and work out things like "okay, nobody there now would remember me, but they'd remember someone who remembers me" and then I panic thinking "oh my god, nobody there remembers me! Oh my god, another few years and they won't remember anyone who remembers me!" and then it goes forward "oh my god, I'm x% through my life expectancy".
At my current age most people have dated, maybe are married or engaged, have full time jobs and have moved out of their parents house. My younger sibling wants to move out of home, the thought of it makes my throat tighten, tears spring to my eyes and an extreme fear take over.
I have not dated in years, and never seriously. I jokingly tell people it is my ambition to the be neighbourhood crazy cat lady, but truthfully it's probably not that far off what my future looks like. My closest friends are animals, although I do have a human friend who is my bff and has been since we were 5. But all my human friends are much further ahead of me in life in terms of jobs/relationships/finance/emotional stability etc etc. Many of them (like 90%) have moved out of home, those that haven't yet have no fear about doing so, and all of them are in relationships. I wouldn't even know where to go to meet someone, or how to tell if they were interested in me. And so I'm scared that I'm being left behind, but I'm too scared to move forwards. I'm not ready, and I doubt I ever will be. As weird as it is for someone who's had severe depression for years, I want time to stop moving so I can stop freaking out about it! I want the expectations to stop, I want the safety of home to be available to me forever without the stigma society attaches. It's like, if you don't move out by x age then you're not a successful adult. If you're not in a relationship, earning good money, having children, being independent, you're not a successful adult. Well I don't want to be an adult, successful or otherwise! I want to be a kid, because I can't take adulthood!