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Why Am I This Way?

My name is Jade and I am 18 years old. I have been terrified of commitment all my life and I'm not sure why. There is nothing in my past that has lead me to this fear. There are no heart breaks or even witnessing of another's heart being ripped to shreds. But for some reason, wherever i get too close to someone, i run away faster then my legs can carry me. My longest relationship has only been one month. They all end the same; with me scared and someone i truly do like in pain. Sometimes i hate myself for it. I think 'Why can they be comfortable and I can't?' And the weird thing is i really do want to be in a relationship. I constantly watch my friends get paired off and end up feeling very lonely. So i convince myself to go into another relationship and tell myself 'This time it will be different' but it never is. For example I'm in a relationship right now and I'm already terrified. It has only been 2 weeks. It always starts out good; i cant get enough of him and him of me, it's all i think about and i tell myself this could be it! then something little happens like a unwanted comment or action and my brain freaks and goes wild and scared. 'Am i ready for this?' 'Is he gonna hurt me?' 'Do i really want to ruin this friendship?' 'Am i doing something wrong?'. I wish i could just ignore it but i can't. Now i am about to yet again hurt someone i really like and i don't know why. And it's not like I'm one of those people who can't be in a relationship because their constantly thinking of all the better people out there. I think it might just be that I'm afraid of myself and what that person sees in me. Why am i this way? Will i ever change? Maybe some people are just meant to be alone. I don't know. Maybe one of you will.

Jade.
otteylove otteylove 18-21, F Jun 21, 2010

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