How Do I Know?

How do I know you're not using me? How do I know that you aren't just hopping onto the bandwagon of "I like her because everyone else does/did at one point"? How do I know you're worth my time? I don't want to mess up. I don't want to actually love someone I can have. It's not fun anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone.... But I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to drag anyone into my personal hell. I don't want to care so strongly about someone that...... These emotions are hard to explain.
I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to screw up. I don't want to care about what someone thinks.... so strongly. I don't want to bend, twist, and change myself and break my freaking back. Because I'll end up alone anyways.... I'll always be abandoned. What's the point? It's my father's curse. It runs in my blood. People might "like" me... superficially (the words are on their lips, but not on their hearts) but when I get serious about anyone, they turn and run in the other direction. It's happened before. I might as well just... hover on everyone's surface, bask in the attention and never get hurt.
I don't think I'm a good person to be with, anyways. I have issues. I have personal demons. And I'll let no one in till I'm finished dealing with them--which is probably never.
.....I really don't know if I'm being selfish or selfless about this commitment thing anymore.
Fuzzies Fuzzies
61-65, M
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

First off, EVERYONE has issues and personal demons. Thats what makes up human beings. However, if someone truely loves you, those things won't send them running away from you.

I don't think I'll ever find someone who truly loves me for myself. And not because people are like "good choice, go for it".
No one ever really bothers getting to know me personally. They ask around instead. And the ones that do try to get to know me to my face are usually doing it for information to feed to others. Not because they actually care.