Daddy Dearest

When I was 16 my father passed away. Everytime I think of the events that occurred I can't help but let the tears pour down my face. During the summer I went to Busch Gardens with a few friends. When I arrived back home my mother told my friends they needed to leave and wanted me to sit on the couch. She calmly told me "honey, I talked to Del today and he had some bad news.. When he hadn't heard from your daddy in about a week he went to go check on him. when he got to the house he found your father lying on the floor in the living room. He had a massive heart attack and had been there for about a week" I didn't know what to do... I couldn't cry I couldn't do anything... I left and went ot my friends house and went on with things like nothing had happened. To this day I have a very hard time dealing with "father things" family events, weddings, anything where a father would play a vital role... It has come to a point where when I'm alone I get very lonely and sometimes to the point where i "NEED" someone around.... I realized a few months ago after some serious personal reflection that I am TERRIFIED of dying alone and no one knowing for any extended period of time.  One would assume that this would be due to the traumatic events that occurred when I was younger....

(now a little background)

my parents separated when I was 5, divorced when I was 9. I eventually stop all visitations with my father because of the people he was living with. They took control of his life...  he was disabled from a work accident. The man who my father called his best friend was nothing but a damned crook! He took all of my father's disability income (every penny my father had) wouldn't let my father leave the house and was very controlling. When my father finally got away from him he bought a house I'd say I was maybe 14 going on 15 at the time. We started having regular visitations again and we bonded very quickly (like nothing had ever come between us..)

I was supposed to be at my dads house the weekend he died but my mom was out of town. I told my dad to take me home because I wanted to stay at my house because my best friend at the time lived next door and I wanted to hang out with her. He dropped me off that day and I never saw him again... At the very least I got to tell him good bye and that I loved him

I can honestly say I'm not afraid of dying as long as someone else is there with me... But I am absolutely terrified of dying alone... no one can seem to understand fully what I mean by that until I explain the whole story... Its so hard to do all the time.
theonlyber theonlyber
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 8, 2007

I hope you find either someone to ease your fear, or better yet, find a place of peace and serenity inside of yourself. <br />
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Maybe, one day, you may step aside from your fear, and back from yourself, and see that you are never, ever alone - the world itself with you, always. Since I have taken the time to get to know the world around me, I have found that the universe itself is a companion that is always with me, unjudging and made of life. :)