Post

Looking In the Mirrow

It has been almost 5 years.  I don't want to grow old alone.  My hubby died almost 5 years ago.  The time has flown by faster then I can believe.  I want to share my life with someone.  I don't know hot to meet people .  The Internet has not worked for me.  The men in my age group seem to have more hair in their ears and nostrils then on their heads.   I feel so young inside.  I take good care of myself, and feel young on the outside also.   I get so sad when I think of possibly never having another to hold me, to make love to me.  My husband was very sick before he died.  I held his hand and stayed by him till the end.  It is terrifying to think I have no one to stay by me.  Kids have their own lives.  I don't want to ever be a burden.  I go to movies by myself.  Today for example, I went to see "The Reader".  It was an amazing movie.  As soon as  walked in, I noticed it was almost all couples.  There were no seats in the back.  I had to sit between 2 couples about my age.  I fought back tears the whole time.  It was a marvelous movie, but a very painful experience.   I have barely dated in almost 5 years, I fear the next 5 years flying by.  By then, I will be 10 yrs older then when my husband passed.  I can't stop time, and I hate this out of control feeling.  It seems like everyone is a couple.  Even meeting single women my age seems a task beyond my ability.  I am so scared.  I am at a loss for words.

egt2bu egt2bu 56-60 29 Responses Feb 8, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I have the opposite fear. I don't want to have to date, or try to find someone new. I think I'll be content to live my life out alone...garden, collect antiques, long walks with my dogs. I had a good marriage, and I don't see myself needing another man in my life as I grow older. Although I worry that I'm getting weaker as I age, can't do the things I used to be able to do, and that worries me. But growing old alone isn't that much of a worry--not being able to do things for myself is what keeps me awake sometimes. I really want to move from the city though...the violence and lack of civility in an urban environment is wearing on me as I age. Anyone else feel that way?

So sad for your loss. I truly feel your pain and it's "only" 17 months since my DH died from cancer. Just turning 60 and the whole world seems like a foreign planet. I didn't truly understand how completely he encompassed my life until he was gone. I recently decided to cover the mirror that I have to pass each time I enter the room. There is a strange person there and I don't recognize her. I'm not sure I want to get to know her. How can I expect anyone else to want to know her if I can't face her myself? I never had to think about what I looked like because he loved me for what I am inside. I don't think I can be that lucky again. I try to just be grateful that I had such a wonderful love in my life and accept the life I've been given, glad that he isn't suffering, but I can't stop the fear inside of facing many years ahead or even a few years without his love and no family or friends or children for me. It's just a hard time of life to have reached and to be alone. I've given up on trying to prolong this. I'm now occupied with preparing for my final journey.

I am so sorry for your loss.



The whole subject terrifies me as well. I don't know what else to say except that you are not alone. There are many of us that feel the same way.



God bless you and watch over you to settle your mind and keep you company.

your story is exactly my worst fear. i cried while reading it because even though i haven't been through that yet.. i feel that ache in my chest. it feels like a cold dark hole and it's terrible. i'm so sorry. :/

Im relly sorry for your loss! I do know how you feel,other than loseing a spouse to death!I too am alone and very lonely! Ive been alone ALL my life,no kids,and very few girlfriends.I drove truck for 25 years so I was alone there,then when I got home I rarely had a GF,coz most women dont want to share thier lives with a man whos never home.When I did find a GF,it was out of the bars.They were only interested in getting drunk,and cheating! Then theres my fetish! I want a GF who will poop her pants for me! Very Very few women dont understand that! I dont have any hair in my ears yet,and I did give up trucking,but Im still very lonely,even more then ever now! Oh,if it makes any difference,I turned 47 in June!

ten years divorced and im alone

you have time sweetie dont marry someone to just marry them

i had fun last nite on a beautiful date!@

Stop looking. That's the only way to ever find something. Face your fear, embrace the independence and then you'll find the one you will spend the rest of your life with. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm 56 coming up 57, been divorced ( alone for 4yrs ) then met and married my 2nd wife. I never thought I would meet someone else so was not looking. When I met my future wife there was no end of conflict within my immediate family, but through love and perseverance we overcame all the problems. OK, life is not fair, life is hard and surely YOU have something to offer someone new, so stop feeling old, get out there and open your heart and arms to the future. Good luck and stay safe.....

My life became a single life eighteen years ago I have learnt it can be fun but you have to put the effort in every day to bridge the gap your life is your choice it will be hard to pick up the pieces and move on but with every small and large acheivement that you make for your self you will open up many possabilities and you will then become an exciting person in your own right

My life became a single life eighteen years ago I have learnt it can be fun but you have to put the effort in every day to bridge the gap your life is your choice it will be hard to pick up the pieces and move on but with every small and large acheivement that you make for your self you will open up many possabilities and you will then become an exciting person in your own right

I feel exactly the same...I lost my hubby almost 5 years ago to ALS. He wasn't even 40 yet! Now, I'm in my 40's...no prospects, internet dating for some reason has not worked for me...I feel like we are all "stuck"....I go t work, come home, walk the dog, cook, eat and go to bed. I joine women's groups but they are all stay at home mom's who just want to get together during the day while I am at work, and the men I do date either have child support payments, or something about them that makes things complicated to date them, when really, it's all very simple...All they have to do is just look in my eyes, hug me like a man and say nice things to me...but I seem most can't even do that. Is it because life is too stressful and they just don't want to, know how to? People seem like they don't open themselves up to love anymore and everything seems to be more difficult then many years ago. I yearn to hold a man in my arms and have some compansionship but then again, are they strong enough, and have the skills and knowledge to truly love a woman? I would think that there must be someone out there, but it seems at this point that maybe there isn't and I feel scared too that nobody is going to be there to hold my hand when it's my time to go.

i felt as you do for awhile after i lost the love of my life, i wanted to feel those feelings again, the security, the happiness. i dated until i could no longer stand it. i have come to the conclusion that i am not meant to be in that kind of relationship now. i have put it in Gods hands to send me the one when i am ready. you must find things in your life that are good and fill some of the void. Good luck to you. I too am petrified of growing older....

Look in the mirror again my friend and you will see a beautiful sentistive human being who has much to offer. I'm in my fifties, I lost my best friend that I ever had to the ravages of Cancer, before that I lost my Dad to the scourge of Alzhiemers. I know I must go on, I gave up my job to take care of my Dad, it was the right decision, but, as we all know to sadly jobs aren't to had at this particular time. We only go around once in life (as far as we know). You are not the only one who is saddled with burden but you are the only one who can turn it around. Dreamt of ever being a writer? Classes at the local community college. Get yourself out, get really dressed up! go to a nice resturant and put on the glitz, carry a positive attitude and carry yourself, show you are a classy lady and that you won't settle for anything less! It all starts within you. I'm sure your husband is looking down from heaven and wishing you would do so. He wanted for you, I'm sure, so do it for him and you.

Nurse RNPA, my question to you is did it work with the wish board? Did you find someone you created from your board? I'm seeking the truth on this LOA theory. Anything you can share?

OK, ladies and gentlemen, if you just HAVE to have someone to make you feel whole here's how to do it. After my whole family was killed in an aircraft accident, naturally I got divorced, but that was the easy part. Then I spent a decade working.......I was young, in my thirties......and fortunately I was a nurse, so an older woman friend of mine told me to make a wish board. You get a piece of colored "paper" and then as you look thru magazines, pick out what you would want in a partner. Use phrases, descriptions, anything in every area relating to personality, spirituality, looks even, then cut those out and shove the whole mess under your bed. Now and then pull it out and with a glue stick, put on the pieces in a way that is artistic and pleases you. Then forget about finding a partner, and go about becoming the person you want to accompany you. Make a life for yourself, continue to look thru mags when you can and glue things on to your Wish board, but focus on your individual life. At the most incredible moment, the guy or gal you want will show up. You would not want what you would attract now. Sincerely, nurseRNPA

I understand your feelings. Now, you must stop your self-pity and get on with your life. It has been over 5 years since my now ex-husband left me. I have been working on getting over my feelings of loss for quite some time. It is not easy, but it is possible. I finally have made a breakthrough so I don't cry every time I think of him. Of course the fact that I have a job that I love and get to meet a lot of interesting people helps. Get yourself the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. This may help you overcome your fear in meeting people and continuing your life. When my first husband died many years ago, I resolved to live my life as he would have wanted me to live it. I may not have been completely successful, but it helped me to go on. However, you must remember that life is for the living. The fear and anxiety I hear in your letter tell me that no matter how young you are inside and out, you are not living. Would your husband have wanted you to behave this way?

I am a man alone at 59. Engaged, but never married. I have not found internet dating productive, despite a major effort that continues. I am very tired of being alone. However, just a warm female body won't do. I need friendliness, the ability to listen, and mutual interests and fantasies. I really don't care about looks or weight.

I can't quit - to do what? You must soldier on, as well, or be doomed to the loveless irrelevance of those in late youth without a partner, which I am too familiar with.

I wish you success in finding another partner!

Sorry for your loss. But " The men in my age group seem to have more hair in their ears and nostrils then on their heads. '' Hope you find someone as shallow as you are with a full head of hair.

I feel your pain... Thank God I still have my husband, but one does wonder what would happen and you have taken my fears and put them into words right here. I married my bff and I can't imagine the pain and suffering you are going through - no one really can - only you. But, my friend I am a believer in God and I know he tore a little piece of himself and rolled and mold my husband and added all of his best qualities into him just for me. I know that your loved one is at peace and I am sure he would not want you to be unhappy no one that truly found love would want the other to be unhappy after their gone.



Internet is not the place to find true love, its a place to find a one night stand with a freakie deekie person. My advice and I would give to myself also is to finish grieving for your hubbie - maybe write him a letter put in a ballon and let it go - then focus on what you like, dislike, and get back to loving you. When you start to love you again from the inside - it will radiate out and that special person will be right in front of you - he'll be all you need and some. Love you first, put you first and don't "look for someone" just be a friend - spend your time doing things that make you happy, bring you some joy from there friends will come and that special person may be there. I find when we don't look for something that's when we find it. God bless your broken heart. Anytime you need a friend, you can email me.

I am 56 and my precious Husband and complete Soulmate was taken from us by a doctor who deliberately killed my Husband. It will be 5 years this November 24th and it still seems like just yesterday.



I know some of how you feel about growing old alone. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder if my Husband sees how I look now. I still feel young inside too, but this past September, I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and Hypothyroidism at the same time. Being in and out of the Hospital several times, really made me need my Husband even more, if that's possible.



The most difficult part for me is..........I can't even imagine another man touching me or having sex with me, because it just turns my stomach. I was with my Hiusband, from the time I was 16 years old and he's all I want. I don't want anyone else.



Although at times, I do think it would be nice to have someone, an adult, to talk to from time to time about things, besides our two beautiful and supportive adult daughters. I thank God for them every day. Eventhough I feel so very much out of place, even with them, I'm so thankful they are close by and we spend a lot of time together. I hope that you'll be able to obtain this same closeness with your children. Family is very important, even when the kids think they have lives of their own. I'm sure they miss their Father more than you know too.



When I start feeling scared or sad, like you are, I think of one thing: I'm never really alone. God is with me always. I'm not a terribly religious person. I don't attend church on a regular basis, but I know first hand and have been shown several times, that God is right here with us.



I wish you the absolute best of everything in life and hope that you'll be able to find happiness very soon. I know the only thing that would make me happy would be to be able to be with my Husband again and I'm working on that too.



Please feel free to write to me anytime about anything.



Hugsssss & Blessings Always

I sympathize with you for loss of five years ago.Now instead of looking to see how much hair possible suiters have on their head you should be con sentrating on what's inside their head. Also ask yourself what do you have to offer that person.that perhaps he can't find elsewhere.You might find a suitable person at a senior club,health club,church events, you have many opportunities but you have to look

I'm 64 and recently lost my twin brother--we were as one--I empathize with you all.

This is so sad... it's terrible to lose someone you love and being left alone too makes it even worse. I hope you can find someone.

Your feelings are shared by many. Several years ago my husband of 25 years left me to "go find himself". I never thought I'd find anybody else but did and remarried 5 years later. Although very fortunate to find him, my thoughts still go to growing old alone. Women usually outlive men and, like you, my children are too busy with their own lives. I have one special girlfriend and we often talked about moving in together later on in life. This friend just found out last week that she has stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to her bones and organs. My heart is broken for her and, selfishly, I'm scared for me. If as if nothing can be counted on. Growing old alone is so frightening. Making good friends at my age, 65, is extremely difficult to do. Perhaps you understand my feelings.

Your feelings are shared by many. Several years ago my husband of 25 years left me to "go find himself". I never thought I'd find anybody else but did and remarried 5 years later. Although very fortunate to find him, my thoughts still go to growing old alone. Women usually outlive men and, like you, my children are too busy with their own lives. I have one special girlfriend and we often talked about moving in together later on in life. This friend just found out last week that she has stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to her bones and organs. My heart is broken for her and, selfishly, I'm scared for me. If as if nothing can be counted on. Growing old alone is so frightening. Making good friends at my age, 65, is extremely difficult to do. Perhaps you understand my feelings.

it is hard to be middle-aged and single.i know how u feel 100%.good things come to those who wait.

I can relate to your experience but I am envious that you were able to share your the earlier part of your life with someone you love.



I am 35 and never had a boyfriend. Most of time I think I must be weird or something for never been in a relationship.



I know what you mean about the difficulty of making friends. I too am worried that I will have to grow old alone.



Please cherish your memories of your late husband and the love that you shared with him.



Although your children are grown up and have their own lives, their lives should also include you. Spend as much time as you can with them and you will never be alone.

I feel the very same way that you do .When you are with your love for 40yrs. and then you loose him . How do you continue ? Being a couple all these years is special to me .NOW WHAT ! I am not 46 I am 64 ,Will this always be me unsure and afraid to go for a lunch or dinner . We promised each other we would be in our 80's together .I think we(widows should unite ) and enjoy life . No it won't ever be the same ,should we just give up ? My loss has just started 1-1-09 . I have a dear friend that is going on 17years . Please know I am worried for you too . Do you have family to visit ? I have my pets ,dogs,, cats ,rabbits,bird. They are my children .I hope you meet someone just to have company and if things change ,so be it . Bless You !

I am sooo sorry for your loss! I am going through a divorce now that is my situation so I am not looking for anything right now but am worried about the future as you are!