Black Sheep Since Birth

lets see ever since birth ive been the black sheep the guy that is always told he'll never accomplish anything, its not only that am always a scapegoat aswell whenever something goes wrong if my family dont have any explantion for it, they come to me to either give me a beating or tell me its my fault until i start believing that it is my fault, ive managed to grow with it for so long thinking it's only a matter of time until all this goes away, but am a fool. i remember a day when i wasnt even home, i came from a friends house to find out my lil sister was injured, as soon as i walked in the door my father, he grabbed a big rough silver cup and blasted me with it over the head, i was 7 when that happened it left a huge bump on my forhead that finaly went down at the age of 18. my father is the biggest **** in the world he believes that my life belongs to him and so i have to experience everything he experiences, my goal in life is to become a movie maker and before i actualy went to school to learn that my father the **** spend one year tellingme how horrible my carrer path is and how am suppose to go into the same carrer he went to which is construction. lets go back a bit, by the time i was 8 years old my family decided that i wasnt allowed to have any friends. so i was a lonely boy the only person that i trusted was my father's mom sheis an angel she takes care of me whenever she can she was my only solitude. at the same age my father woke me up from bed around 1 am and kicked me out. i was a kid i stood outside in the dark crying i was scared and lonely i had nowhere else to go. where i use to live was somewhat of a dangereous area pass 9:00 pm, i knew my father wouldnt let me back in so i decided to walk all the way to my grandma house which was 20 minutes away. lets just say that i made it, i was scared for life from that memory. by the time i became 12 i was still not allowed to have friends, my father was somewhat of a snake in the grass, he's a douche bag but also a church man. he forces his religion on all my brothers, he tried to force it on me and i swear i would rather die then forcefuly give my soul to some god i know nothing about. he tried to get everyone to get go to church one day,  i dont know if this is my fault but i didnt want to go, something told me not to. i told him no, he walk off and out of nowhere i was kicked in felt a huge kick that landed on my *** cheeks, i was thrown forward i got up and ran inside the bathroom and locked the door. from inside the door i can hear him outside knocking tryin to break it down.
i could keep going on and on even no wam still the black sheep, and thats something i believe will not change, i live every single day of my life thinking of one thing, my only way out is suicide and to tell the truth i think am actualy going to do it.

gmain gmain
18-21, M
3 Responses Dec 8, 2010

You are at age that there is a big family out here that will welcome you into its unique family of people from all walks of like. The Marine Corps, Army, Navy, Air Force, and even the Coast Guard is ready to add you to their family, all you have to do is work, be honorable, do your duty, and in no time you will develop some of the strongest bonds known among men. It will not be easy, but if you work for it, stay motivatied, and dedicated you will know the rewards of being treated like a human being.

Suicide is letting your father win. Believe I've been there. The only thing it will accomplish is leaving your Grandmother who you love crying and asking why and blaming herself for you death. Do you own thing and follow your own path I did and my father who had the same view of me changed not only his view but asked forgiveness for treating me like dog dung. Suicide is the easy way out you want to get even with your dad make your life and follow fream not because of him but in spite of him.

DON'T do it! Your life is SOOO much more than what your family has told you you are. YOU and GOD determine your destiny... not THEM. God does care but he can't control those he has given free will. Please hang on and KNOW that you are a valuable human being who will have a better life once you leave that environment. There ARE people out there who care and there ARE people out there who God will send to you to give you what you should have gotten from your own family... that is the love, care and acceptance you deserve. Good luck, stay strong, and hold onto your dreams.