Unwanted, Unloved, And Never Good Enough

In a sense I have been blessed, and in another I have been very alone. My parents were teenagers when they got pregnant with me and had broken up long before my birth. And my mother was wonderful. She loved my very much, and treats me well, giving me everything she could. My father had nothing to do with me for the first year of my life, denying that I was his, demanding a paternity test. The minute the test proved I was his he set out on a crusade to destroy my mother slandering her name. On his court appointed hours with me he would either take me out with one of his many cycling girlfriends or take to me to his mother's where he would sleep on her couch while she would take care of me.
When I was 4 he moved a thousand kilometres away and came back two years late with a new woman and a new daughter. It was at this point that I realized I no longer mattered to him. He stopped asking for more visitation time (as evidenced by the court documents) and moved 800 km west of us. We moved closer to him so I could be in his life, which involved my mother uprooting her entire life. But even then he only wanted to see me 3 or 4 times a year and when he did see me he always had his other daughter and he would allow her to be very cruel to me.

When I was ten he got married (to a diffent woman, not my mother, nor his other daughter's mother) and didn't even bother to tell me about it, his other daughter did. And from that point forward he set out to make me feel bad about myself. He made sure that I understood that I was not a pretty as my half sister (no one with brown eyes could possibly be beautiful), that I was fat, told me I was food focused (what 12 year old in a growth spurt isn't?), that I was less intelligent than her, less valuable than her and that I would never amount to anything. All while he encouraged my half sister to be cruel and mean to me, ensuring that she hated me with every fiber of her being. All I had ever wanted was his love. But instead he was verbally abusive to me, liked to snap the back of my bra against my back, and "play wrestle" with me. He always called me fat and told me that was all I'd ever be, and I ended up with an eating disorder, and very low self esteem.

I went to visit when I was 17 and finally had enough, and packed up my stuf and left at ten o'clock at night to come home. They told me I was pathetic and sad and that I needed professional help (which, all things consider, given how he abused me for 17 years, I probably do, but who's fault is that?) . When I left he completely blocked me out of their lives. And he had such control over his mother and sister that I also lost my aunt and my grandmother when I decided the abuse needed to stop. I felt so alone and abandoned. But don't I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect too?

Eventually his other daughter called me, and while she is the only one I maintain contact with in their family she continues to be very rude and condescending to me, and she also makes sure to pass down his messages of abuse to me too. Rey have taught err her to be extremely critical and rude. Sometimes I consider cutting her out of my life, but she is young so I still cling to the hope that she will outgrow it, and I don't want to be that person with absolutely no family.

I feel like I need to become something extraordinary just to prove them wrong. I know my sister relays back any information I give them, and so I only tell her good things. I have been applying into law schools (my GPA is 3.7 and I got 161 on the LSAT) because then, while I now that They would never admit to me that I became someone, I will know I did, and they can't think a lawyer is a failure. I will be so much more educated than them in the end. Now if only I could let go of this eating disorder and get to a healthy weight. I just want to prove to them that they lost ut on an amazing person by cutting me out of their lives, that in spite of them I became someone. One day I will concur my eating disorder, graduate law school (I'm putty sure with those number that I'll get in, and if not I'll get my masters degree) and get married. I'll have a successful family, and a good career, and they will still just be overweight white trash with no education.
Voeoace Voeoace
22-25, F
Jan 17, 2013