Baa

I wonder what makes a black sheep? Is it merely because we think and act differently? Are we the ones with the problem, or is the rest of the family just too busy making those currently the "head" of the family happy to be daring enough to break away and have their own thoughts and lives?

I'm not the only black sheep. I'm not yet disowned or thought completely lost yet. Give it time, I tell myself.

I was adopted by my maternal grandparents from my abusive biological father and drug addled mother. She's the biggest black sheep. The woman who gave birth to me. Years of promiscuous sex, abusive husbands, and drugs was bound to have her cast out sooner or later by my strict conservative family. I grew up thinking how lucky I as to have escaped her fate...only to find myself going there in no time.

I never felt like I belonged. Constantly reminded of where it was I came from and how I was rescued from that so now I should be grateful and never waver from The Family and their rules. Like most kids, I rebelled. Though I did so unwillingly at first by being sexually molested by older guys at church at 13 which played a big part in me turning from my perfect innocent youth into what I am today. At 15 I was already two years into self harming and severe depression, all ignored by The Head, my mother(aka maternal grandmother). How dare I think of anything but her wellbeing and happiness. How dare I do anything to reflect poorly on her. Tried to end my life by swallowing a bunch of pills, but I couldn't even do that right. So, I let them blame me for my hurt and pretended to be fine. Turned to sex and drugs and The Family began telling me I was becoming just like her...the infamous her...the black sheep of the day.

I decided I would rather be like her then them. I tried, I swear I tried to obey their rules. I did my best to be a perfect Christian girl like they wanted me to be. But I failed. At age 20 I started therapy for my past abuse and The Head told me "I don't know why you're doing this...you should be over it by now it was your fault anyway." Yet at the same time I had a sister and a niece both in therapy and both being supported for past abuse and rape men caused them. I don't get it. That day I stopped trying. Committed myself to a psych ward, to their horror, and went off on my own.

Now, I'm guilty of being against them, offending them all. How dare I seek therapy and help for my mental health issues! How dare I still hurt when I never got help! How dare I leave their truth and find my own! Right now mainly it is...how dare I convert to Catholicism and not stay in their Protestant faith! Oh geez. Its the end of the world. When I was laying in the middle of my apartment at college a year ago razor in one hand, handful of pills in the other with campus police breaking down my door to take me to the hospital they didn't care. But I guess suicide is easier for them to handle than Catholicism. They'd much rather I kill myself than cause them anymore public shame of not being like them.

I guess thats why they never supported me. And why I can no longer support their fantasy of me fitting into their mold. My adoptive mother has 6 daughters. Her oldest is the infamous black sheep...and her youngest(the oldest's biological daughter, she'll tell outsiders, thats why she's that way) on the fast track to meet her there.

I imagine I'll do what my biological mother did and just leave them behind for good, with a phone call every 6 months to make sure everyone is still alive. They won't care if I am.
silverlining silverlining
22-25, F
Jun 25, 2007