Bleeding

I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse. Just before Christmas (this past one) the rejection was so bad that I started snapping rubber bands on my wrist, holding handfuls of ice cubes until they melted, anything to keep me from cutting myself.   I didn't care about the act itself, but I scar easily and my parents would have asked and it would all have gotten much worse.

I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all really good looking but me), willful, and most academically challenged. Which sucks because in my family there is an unspoken system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.  In the eyes of my family, I, compared to them, have talents that just aren't good enough.

I hate it.  I hate living under their constant belittling.  They comment (to my face) that "You really don't have anything to feel bad about, nothing really bad has ever happened to you. " "You know your life isn't that stressful. I mean what do you even do?" "Why do I need to move so you can check your e-mail, I mean what do expect to find there?" "Just ignore her, she's being all weird today."  Day in and day out they preach my short-comings to me with such snide remarks that its all I can do not to scream bloody murder into their perfect little faces.

I hate being the outcast in my family. I hate the feeling of always being alone with no one to run to. I hate the feeling of not being good enough for them. Why can't I be good enough for them? Why can't I stop wanting they're approval? What is it that I do for them to feel this way?!

When I am depressed or in pain they dismiss it.
It hurts so bad. It hurts ...so ...bad. I can't stand it.

I can't do anything to feel better and I can't even find a place to be alone and cry!

My sister was having an argument with our younger sister and she called her a B****.  When my little sister (only 14) told her she was gonna tell mom, the older sister replied that she wasn't perfectly right to call her that because she was in pain (emotional over my little sister being a little sister). When I remarked that Gee I wish that excuse worked for me when I wanted to call someone something nasty she turned to me and said, "Well it's not like you're in pain.  How could you be in pain."

I stay as far away from my familly as I can (which is a stupid thing to say since I live with them).  I stay away in the blind hope that they will stop stabbing me in the back.  Maybe then I can stop bleeding long enough to heal.

I'm sorry if this sounds childish.

Flowersfallen Flowersfallen
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 22, 2009

whoa i just realized we live in the same state lol...how f***ing random

damn...i know EXACTLY how you feel...<br />
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i became a total loner as a kid (and i still am) because i just always wanted to be away from them...and they always seemed to want me around but all they could ever do was criticize and belittle...<br />
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and having your feelings invalidated...i know EXACTLY what you mean...even in the 5th grade when things got so bad i thought about suicide literally every day...i finally found the balls to tell me dad that i thought i was depressed (but i knew he wouldn't care what i thought so i actually told him a teacher had said it) and he was like "you're not" and he just walked away...<br />
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reading your post i started feeling sad and sorta numb...idk i tend to get numb when i should feel sad now...but i feel for you...and i wish you the best of luck...getting away from them really really helps...start making a plan, saving money, applying to schools...SOMETHING to get out of that house...it helps...you'll more than likely hit a rough patch right when you leave but i think it's just the pent up emotions refusing to remain suppressed...look at it as a learning period...

Yeah, I had a life similar to yours when I was a teenager and I felt like I hated my family, now I realise that I hate the way they treat me and other people who are not big winners in their eyes. I have always thought that the stupid stork had dropped me in the wrong nest and that is how you have to think, you have to just consider the fact that you don't want to be like them and never was one of them, and it does not matter what they say. A good tactic to use when they get nasty, is to ignore them and exit the room while casting a 'the devil may care,' glance over them (not at them). If they come to annoy you, screw up your nose and make out that someone has let off a really ghastly one, tee hee hee.

I totally empathize. This has happened to me for almost 10 years now. same situation, middle of three girls. honestly...its verbal abuse. when they say these things to you how do they look? angry? i feel that most anger stems from fear. logically they find you a challenge, a threat to their illusion of the "perfect being". what happens when someone feels threatened? usually they will look for an escape...so ahah! there you are the one everyone else can corner and blame for all the problems in the world. you take it with a grain of salt my dear. let me assure you that what you are is far more interesting and real.

It doesn't sound childish at all, however, it's very hard to sta away at times or even ignore some people esp. family. If they make a remark of you cannot be in pain or you don't know I honestly would say: And how could you know how I feel and why? Nobody has the right to tell someone how they have to feel.