Feeling Unwanted...narcissistic Parents

I don't even know where to begin...ever since I was a kid (I'm 21 going on 22 in November) my dad has treated me like a major inconvience to his life...and often times it felt like (and maybe rightly so) that he would go out of his way to **** me off...

he's made me feel completely unwanted and as a kid he made it a point to tell me repeatedly how worthless i am...and how there is nothing in this world that i can claim as mine...he yells at me STILL for no reason...he locks me out of the house like a true jackass (i'm only home for the summer...this summer being the last hopefully)...he criticizes my clothes...the way i keep my hair...and my over-all way of thinking...mainly because i don't think like him

he's a narcissistic a-hole who's been on a perpetual ego trip since as long as i've known him...perhaps even before...he even told me once (though he's shown it a billion times) that the only reason i was born was to make his life easier...essentially to do the work around the house and ****...

as a kid he would ridicule me endlessly and tell me to deal with it when i complained about it...i could do NOTHING right and when he'd ask me to do stuff he'd give vague directions that he would only clarify upon once i had already done the job so that he could ***** about how i got it wrong AGAIN...

i grew up believing (as i still do) that he hated me...i didn't think that i cared as a child but thinking back to how i was (perpetually depressed...lonely...self-destructive) i'm beginning to think that he has had  a greater effect on me that i previously thought

y'know...sometimes i think back and picture myself as a kid and i really want to cry for him...but i can't...i think that if i ever reached a point where i could cry for him it would make a world of change...

i don't want my dad's approval anymore (at least i think i don't...there's so much about all of us that we don't notice)...and, to be honest, i want him out of my life...he's such a negative force in my life and i'm fed up with him...

i get the feeling that he doesn't necessarily mean to be as evil as he is BUT HE IS...and that's all i have to go on...i think his ego-tripping comes from work or his childhood (or both, who knows) and as a kid i think that i tried to sympathize with that side of him but at this point i just can't...he brings me down...way down and he has to go...

my mom isn't nearly as bad but we definitely don't have a healthy relationship...as a kid i wasn't allowed to feel bad, sad, or mad...because god-forbid i actually displayed one of those emotions i got hit with a double-whammy from her...1. i was made to feel bad about feeling bad...and 2. she'd add on to it by saying how my feeling bad was hurting her...so i was supposed to ignore my actual feelings to try to make her feel better...she doesn't listen to me but she really believes that she does...she'll switch positions in arguments without acknowledging the switch so it always seems like i just wasn't listening to her or like i misinterpreted something...she only seems to care about what she wants for/from me and what i want for myself is to be completely ignored...

both of my parents tell me that i'm extremely smart but they treat me like i can do nothing right...like i'm the slowest human being in the world...they only acknowledge my intelligence, it seems, when they can brag about some accomplishment of mine to other people...and my dad won't hesitate to take credit for something that i've done...i can only imagine what his co-workers think of me...lol once we were in a grocery store and we actually ran into one of his co-workers who jokingly asked how my dad was as a father and i just stood there and looked at him...my dad looked mortified because he knew that if i spoke i would say something negative...

and the absolute worst part about the whole situation with the two of them is that neither of them "look" like bad parents...the bills and stuff were always paid...my mom occasionally cooked (occasionally being the operative word)...the got me through school and are co-signing on my loans to attend college...but the emotional stuff really took its toll on me as a kid and it's still affecting me today...sometimes i feel like i don't know who i am because i've spent the majority of my life being who they want me to be...my emotions are all ****** and people like to say that they envy my "chillness" but really often times i just feel kinda numb and it's not something that i want other people to want for themselves...maybe i'm just overly sensitive but that i can't help and their style of parenting has definitely had some negative effects...but whatever...i'm just trying to get my degree and move on with my life...i can't stay here...i can't stay with them...i think that me and my family have finally hit a fork in the road and we've got to go separate ways for MY own good...it'll destroy them but staying with them i don't think i'll ever be truly free...

and i'm still waiting for that time when i can cry for that little kid that i envision...dealing with all that bullshit...that'll be the day...