I Cry Silent TearsMy mother is borderline. For the longest time, it was difficult to accept this. As i child, if i would venture off on my own there was a paranoid panic to her voice that i should "stay close". She would be loving and comforting one minute and then the next she would flip out...for something that made absolutely no sense relevant to anything. I suffered anxiety from the age of 8 and when i was a kid i got migraine headaches. that was probably when i grew up too as i remember being very young and feeling like i had to take care of my mother - not realizing it was supposed to be the other way around. I was in and out of therapists and psychiatrists for years and while i did suffer from a legitimate anxiety disorder i recently (about two years ago) learned the problems with my mother were not or had they ever been because of me.
My parents split when i was fourteen. My mother trashed my dad at any and every opportunity to me and whoever else would listen. when she got involved with someone else she said she wished that person (who in my opinion is lower than pond scum) was my father. i can remember looking her dead in the eye and responding "don't you ever say that". she tried to defend her point but i told her never to say that to me.
When i was in college, things got really bad. I can remember my mother telling me i was "an awful sister" and that i had spun off an account with her name and was "a criminal" without giving me even a chance to say i had no idea what she was talking about or why she was saying these things. when i was a junior i cut ties with her and didn't communicate with her at all - and this was one of the healthiest choices i ever made. it wasn't until after i finished graduate school that i reconnected with her and our conversations are only though email. i tried a phone call once last year on mother's day and got the guilt trip about why i didn't come to my sister's high school graduation when i had made plans way in advance of knowing of it. not calling her again anytime soon. even in email she is inappropriate. her last email managed to simultaneously question my choice of a boyfriend (ie - religion doesn't matter is he kind, compassionate, moral, cares about animals, ethical...) ummm no mom actually he kicks small puppies... and then slam my dad as she then goes on to say that all her relationships except hers with her current husband have been crap..wow...
she then goes on to tell me how exercise can improve things in the bedroom..no sense of boundaries or what is or isn't appropriate at all. at least im at the point where i can laugh at how ridiculous she is.
My stepmother. is borderline. For a long time i tried to connect with her and have some "normal" adult female in my life but she is just as sick as my mother and in some ways worse because she is sneakier about her illness. recently, i have cut ties completely with her because she said that an issue we had was "completely my problem " and that she didn't understand why i was upset or her role in the situation and that i "hurt her intentionally and with malice...but then at the same time im a good person...well which is it?!?" she reacted in typical borderline fashion. it's always my fault. she's never wrong. i'm just like my mother. i need professional help...all over something minor. this isn't the first time she's acted like this but it's going to be the last time she pulls that crap with me.
i eventually had to talk with my father about it. he told me "fix things with mom (being my stepmother)". i explained why i couldn't do this. he's asking me to relive that emotional abuse. i told him how he never protected me when my mom was emotionally abusive and how i wished he had and how hurt i was that he didn't and that's when i lost it and started to cry. accepting my mother's and stepmother's illnesses was difficult but far moreso is accepting that my father stayed for as long as he did with my mother (19 years) and then is doing the same thing with my stepmother!!! it just feeds into the illness.
the issues with the stepmother happened fairly recently and it was incredibly challenging but what made it easier was knowing that i had good supports with my friends and boyfriend even if my immediate family wasn't able to be there for me like i needed them too. but it's still hard when i see my friends that have good relationships with their mothers and i know that i will never be able to have this until things change with them.
As harsh as it is, i truly feel like my mother and stepmother are dead. Physically, they are there but for all intents and purposes they have no role in my life whatsoever. I hate thinking it, saying it, and even writing it because i know how harsh it sounds. the good part is that there are two incredibly women in my life who have stepped up to the plate and have been like a mother to me and i know i could turn to them for anything if i needed and they would help unconditionally.
to be fair, most of the time this stuff doesn't bother me but every now and then i wish i had a mother who actually knew how to love instead of hurt.
healerdw 22-25 5 Responses 4 Mar 26, 2011