It's More Painful To Remember Than To Forget...I am currently a 25 year old Psychology major in college.
And it took me until recently to discover why my childhood was so painful and why I feel the need to punish myself even into adulthood.
My mother's emotional roller-coaster seems to revolve around the men in her life. She was loving when she was single, neglectful when she was dating someone, and over-controlling and cruel when married to someone. This even extended to during the marriage, in which she was loving when the husband was gone, and would switch to cruel when the husband was in the house or in the room.
I was parentified, invalidated, humiliated, abused, and everything that goes with living with a BPD mother. My mail was read, I was intruded on in the bathroom, forced to work hard labor when I was 13 and 14, and have had a full-time job since I was 15. I was kicked out at the age of 17, in the summer before my senior year of high school, and forced to move in with my alcoholic dad. I missed out on Prom, both senior and Junior year. I wasn't allowed to go, because I was "acting bitchy" the night before. I missed out on my Senior trip, which I had worked so hard for, for 3 years. My mother refused to come to my High School graduation because she didn't receive a formal invitation in the mail.
Throughout my childhood, I retreated into books- fairytale worlds where the women were beautiful and giving and the men were white knights on horses. I hid in my room, hid outside, enrolled in as many school events as possible just to stay away from home. I wasn't allowed to be in the events I signed up for, of course, because it took away from my time at home. She refused to come watch me in the ONE musical/play that I was able to be in at school.
I have blocked out most of my childhood. Other than a general story, my childhood is blank. I don't have any actual memories until the age of 19, which is when I moved out on my own. The "general story" is, I was emotionally abused and sometimes physically abused. I was always wrong- I had no rights- not to privacy, or personal space, or to have an opinion.
I'm still not really sure how to handle all this- Do I have BPD too? I'm terrified... :(
katriana 22-25 8 Responses 3 May 3, 2011