I Am Frustrated

I'm so sorry, Clara, I really am--and I mean that in a 100% empathetic way. We've been in the exact same place. It's like the mom with BPD thrives off of the chaos and pain that she breeds in whomever will listen. Often, people just walk away and leave her, and in the end its just her family that mops up the abuse.



Your post made me a bit emotional--It reminded me of the date that my BPD mom invited me to lunch at a nice little Greek restaurant on the south side. I had graduated college, I was a big girl now, and this time it would be different. I was like a naive little puppy--this time, this time, this time she will love me. And of course, she called 10 min. before we planned to meet, drunk and screaming (and driving), completely lost and full of helpless, bitter hatred. It hurt as much at 22 as it did at age 4.



I was late to work afterwards, and it was clear I'd been sobbing. A good friend took one look at me and said some words of tough love. She said: 'Your mom being the way she is is no excuse for your behaviour. You have a responsibility to live your own life and make it great (and show up to work on time!) I know it hurts, but frankly I've seen you hurt by her too many times. Make a change.'



I was stunned to silence. She handed me a book later, 'Awareness' by Anthony de Mello. I read it cover-to-cover, several times. Because I knew she cared about me and loved me, I didn't take it as an attack--instead, the book helped change my worldview. I would recommend it as a good read.



My advice here (take or leave it) would be that, even if it makes you feel guilty, you need to shift the balance. Start to white out the relationship. Can you get a job in a different town? Can you move away? Can you refuse to take her calls unless she meets certain standards of behaviour? Can you reach out by phone and card, but limit your face-to-face visits? And, vitally, can you find an emotional substitute?



Because otherwise, you're just going to wreck your stress management system and ruin your vocal chords ... :) xx And you deserve to have a calm, stable, stress-free life.



I moved country, and it's done me a world of good. But I moved to a place where I had build up a strong community over years and years, so when I made the leap I had a soft place to land.



I still feel guilty quite often, but the more I read about BPD the less hatred I feel for her, and the more concern and pity.

You have yourself. If you can't rely on others, rely on yourself. God is helping you. If you want, you can rely on Him too. You will die someday soon, you mother sooner. If she would die tomorrow how would you act? think at her death when you want to scream at her. the fixing must start from a direction and if it didn't started from her, it is time to start from you. God bless you and be courageous!

Thank you for posting this, I felt like it was something from my own journal. My husband has given me the most valuable piece of advice..."don't expect more than she can give". So basically I try to meet her at a point were I'm not leaving myself vulnerable and disappointed.



It doesn't always work, she has broken my heart a million times and I'm sure there are more to come. BUT I have made more boundaries and learned how make myself less emotionally available to her. It's incredibly difficult to turn off the desire to have a mother daughter relationship. I think that is why BLPD is such a yoyo. They play and thrive on the fact that we (the family members) always seem to come back for more. No one else will put up with their BS, as normal people who look for relationships and closeness we are easy "victims" bc they know we aren't heartless, we come back eventually for more. Not bc we want the evil side, bc we want to savor the brief periods of closeness and connection to their "good" side.

First off you said sorry at the end of the post. I dont need an apology and I can see me writing the same words you just have. Your feelings are valid here and as far as I can see, it is unfair and not right. I havent had a screaming fight with my mom in two months. I never thought I could go two months without talking to her. Ive gotten the comments of my family and negative feedback but already they are starting to see where I am coming from. She is a hurricane wrecking everything in her way. Your mom sounds all too similar. I wish you the best. I am so sorry you are upset. I believe you deserve respect. She cannot give it to you. Cant.