19 Year Old: Learning That My Mother Had Bpd Freed Me Emotionally.My mother had me when she was young, 16 to be exact. I never knew my father because she left him when I was a baby. I have repressed many memories from my childhood (like many children of BPD parents have) but I always felt it was my fault. I had ADHD so I always figured that I was the one who was in the wrong, which is why today I say sorry ALL THE TIME and feel guilty for things that I shouldn't. My mother always confused me and I could never understand why she acted the way she did and said the things she said. She lied to me my whole life, which I am just now realizing.
When I was six, she married my stepfather and had two children by him. I love my brother and sister SO MUCH and always thought of them to be my full siblings. We are very close even though we have a 7 and 9 year age gap. My stepfather divorced her about 7 years ago and I had to step up to watch my siblings while my mom went to school and worked. She had made me HATE my stepfather by fueling me with lies. She told me he cheated on her with the neighbors and said he was trying to take my siblings away, etc. My mother would praise me for stepping up and helping her and then turn around and call me a ***** for doing something wrong. She would tell me her friends didn't like me and that is why they wouldn't come around when in fact SHE sent nasty texts and emails to them. She has been engaged 6 times, married 3. All of the marriages were after a few months and they all ended in divorce (the second one was especially devastating. Since he is the father of my siblings, she fights him in court constantly). I have always been a very independent kid (made breakfast and dressed myself when I was five, always slept by myself, etc.) and this TORTURED my mother. BPDs have children so that they always have someone to always reciprocate love but since I didn't really need her, we were always fighting and she said I hurt her because I didn't love her.
LEARNING MY MOM HAD BPD.
It was my first year at college. I am a smart kid (graduated high school with 68 college credits) but I was NEVER able to figure out why my mother treated me the way she did. I was always afraid that she would do the same to my sister and brother (I am very protective of them). I was taking a psychology class and we were given an extra credit opportunity to attend a seminar on personality disorders. Trust me when I say that I was never looking for an answer to my mom's problems. I never even knew she had one! I just figured she was super sensitive. I went to the seminar and there was a whole presentation on borderline personality disorder and that was my ah hah moment. The symptoms explained my mother perfectly. Creating interpersonal chaos between herself and others, becoming infatuated with someone and ignoring them the next day, every situation was either all good or all bad, etc. I researched it a bit more and then decided to stop. I knew what was wrong with my mom and that was fine but I also knew that I had to keep that information to myself.
A few months later, I waited for my mom to come pick me up from my dorm and boy, did I get a surprise. My mother brought her Spanish 26 year old boyfriend (she is 36) to help her move me out. I had never heard anything about this guy at all! The way they were touching each other made me very uncomfortable because my mom never acted like that with past boyfriends. She would beg him to speak to me in spanish (I'm a Spanish major) and she would say how smart he sounded when he spoke like that. Not to sound like a brat but HELLO! I was the one actually learning the language and this guy actually grew up in Spain! She never said that I sounded smart when I spoke Spanish. Hell, she discouraged me from learning it! I went to visit my BEST FRIEND in Argentina when I was 18 and my mother said that I would come back with AIDS because I was a **** (I had told her I lost my virginity to my longtime boyfriend a day or two before she said that) and that I would get stabbed.
Anyways, the things he said to her in Spanish were all about how he loved her and how they would marry and move to Spain. I figured they had dated for awhile and that she just didn't tell me (I didn't call her that often). When we got home, I was the only kid there because my siblings were with their dad. I had to be with her boyfriend all the time. My mom's new friends (she can't keep them for long) loved her new boyfriend and said that they were the perfect match, blahdeblah. I got a weird feeling from this guy. The stories he told were just too extravagant and they didn't seem real. I always give people the benefit of the doubt so I believed the guy. Also, my mother WORSHIPPED him. I would be having a conversation with her and then all her boyfriend had to do was make a sound and she immediately turned all her attention to him.
When I finally saw my sister and brother 3 days after arriving, I knew something was wrong. My sister was always the one underneath my moms arm. She was the favorite and EVERYONE knew it. When she got out of my dad's (I call my stepdad 'dad') car and immediately hugged me but ignored my mom, that told me everything I needed to know. She had started to treat my siblings the way she treated me. In the past, I was the punching bag and I was glad to be as long as they weren't but when I left for college, she turned on my sister. My sister cuddled with me that night and told me everything. My mom used to tell them that I was the bad kid but when I left, I was the angel and my sister was the *****. That guy she was dating, THEY MET A MONTH BEFORE THEYBPICKED ME UP. My sister kept telling me how afraid she was because my mom kept talking about how she wanted another baby and how she was going to move them to Spain without my stepdads permission. I became furious. My mom could abuse me but NOT my sister. I revealed to my sister my thoughts on our mom having BPD and she told me that my stepdad and stepmom told her the same thing. My siblings had started to see a therapist and she also diagnosed my mother without even meeting her. I had planned to sit down with mom and tell her everything the next day after everyone had gone to sleep.
The next morning, I made breakfast for everyone and of course her bf slept over. My mom asked the kids how their visit with their dad was and as my brother started telling her, her boyfriend muttered something. My mother got up from her chair, and sat on the floor near his chair and kept begging him to speak up because we all wanted to hear what he had to say. My siblings and I looked at each other and just ate in silence while they had their own conversation. After the day had started my mother said she would take us to a movie. We chose a movie, found a time, and as we were about to leave that's when her boyfriend remembered that he had a soccer game. My mother insisted that we all go to the game instead of the movie. I BLEW UP. I yelled at her that she was a horrible mother. She was ignoring her kids for some guy she met a month ago! My mother and I yelled at each other and she ended up leaving with her bf. She came back that night and as soon as she came into my room to give me my punishment, I threw sheets of paper at her. All of them were papers about BPD and I told her she had it. She laughed and said that I was the one with the problem. She brought up past experiences where 'I made her friends leave' and she told me that my exbf confided in her that I was psychotic so he left me, when in reality he cheated on me and I left him. I packed up my crap and moved in with my stepdad and stepmom, who I had hated. That was three months ago and I have learned the truth about so much that my mother lied to me about. I never want to see my mother again. Oh, and that guy is a gigolo. I found his ads on the Internet.
I was a mess before I learned about BPD. I am in the middle of a huge identity crisis but I am learning that my unecessary guilt, my inability to feel close to people, my depression is all from my mother (not to blame her or anything).
If you think your mother or father has BPD, here are some tips:
- Research your stuff. You can't come out claiming that they have a problem if you don't have any evidence.
- Don't tell them they have a problem. Most people with BPD refuse to believe that they have it and it just causes problems within the family. I made a huge mistake. I hate to cause people pain and I know that all my mom can think about is that I called her crazy. My sister and brother, who still see her, say that she tries to make a point to prove she is sane. (She acts like everything is fine now, btw. She texts me every other day asking me to come watch a movie with her and stuff. I am still furious and I don't ever want to see her again.)
- Know that you are not the one who is crazy. Things will happen and you will question your sanity, but you are fine, my darling.
- Never rely on them for money or anything. They will use it against you your whole life and they are unreliable themselves.
- Don't accept freebies from them. It will be hard but their offers are like worms on a hook. It took me awhile to realize that when my mom offered money or gifts, she was going to use them to get me to do things for her.
- Don't spend too much money on presents for them. I got my mom a Shamwow for Mothers' day when I was 13. She always said she wanted to try one and we were dirt poor. She asked me not to get her anything but I got her it anyways. She opened it, threw it in my face and ran to her room crying. I WAS 13! She yelled at me and said I should have gotten her something expensive because she was newly divorced and she deserved it. I saved up money and bought her an expensive massage and facial for her birthday that year. She said 'thanks, but I don't need this' and gave it to her only friend at the time. You can't invest money or gifts in a person who has BPD.
- Talk to a therapist. I plan on seeing one when school starts back.
Hope this all helps. I found that reading other people's stories has helped me realize that I am not alone. Some people have basically the same story I do. I am interested if children of people with BPD have the same problems I do (saying sorry all the time, identity crisis, relationship and trust problems, etc). Leave a comment if your story is the same or if you have similar problems!