I Think My Mother Is Borderline, I Think Her Mother Was Borderline

I always thought they were just kind of depressed, angry people. I thought everyone lived like I did.... sudden rages, screaming, hitting me, kicking me out the house, lack of nurturing, telling me too much personal information, like we were friends and I wasn't a child, expecting me to manage the house when I was still a child.

Now I realize she was sick. She probably grew up in a sick home too, but had a loving father.

I will never know the "truth" whatever that means, because 'there is nothing wrong with her" - it's all me, my fault, my confusion, my issues. But just being able to consider this as a possibility has caused a shift in me that, somehow, I find helpful.

I'm not interested in blaming, trash talking, or venting. I am here to learn, to reframe my experiences, to find a way to move forward in my life with this new understanding.

I always thought everyone lived like I did.

I hear people talking about missing their mothers who have died, and I wonder what that is like. I lived with a woman for a number of years who gave birth to me. Somehow I was never enough, never could please her. i heard it said recently that how we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. Wow, does that explain a lot.
mikamii mikamii
41-45, F
5 Responses Aug 1, 2012

Thank you for sharing your experience. My mother and grandmother are both BPD too. It sucks is an understatement.

Your story sounds very much like my own.

Lately I have adopted the Earth as my mother! That seems to help me. I can completely relate to how you feel.

I can definitely relate to your post. I am glad you found us here, and that you are working on moving forward. I wish all of us the best of luck moving forward. Thank you so much for sharing.

I wonder about the same thing when someone mentions their mother, loving them or missing them... Like you say, "I lived with a woman for a number of years who gave birth to me"--sometimes I felt like I was living with a robot. Or there was a stranger in the house who I called "mommy". I would think that perhaps aliens had planted me in the house as a baby. Lol!<br />
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So what is/was your inner voice like? I have a really self-deprecating, melancholy inner voice! When I feel good, it likes to spoil everything by saying something to depress me or put me down.

I've often thought I was born into the wrong family, and still can't find my tribe. My inner voice is depressed &amp; depressing, defeatist "why bother?" always thinking people won't like me, will be critical &amp; mean to me. I really hate it, and now that I am aware of it, am working on changing it.

When I was growing up, we had dinner at the table, did the dishes, put on our pjs and sat in front of the tv, where my folks fell asleep. I thought that's what everyone did. When my parents were social, it always involved being too loud and drinking too much. This is how people have fun? not so much. but how do we make meaningful connections?

My parents also rarely socialized. Luckily they didn't drink on principle, but all their relationships with others were very superficial. Looking back I feel sorry for them (especially my mother, who actually cares if she has friends) but they were never good friends, so it's not surprising. I still don't really know how to make meaningful connections--perhaps this is stunted in me for my whole life. Who knows!

I'm glad to hear that you are working on your inner voice. I have read a lot of psychologists say how important it is to have a positive inner voice... It's hard to change, but well worth it! This is something I need help with, too.