Coming To Terms That My Mom Is An Undiagnosed Borderline

Growing up i thought my mom was my hero. My dad was physically abusive and my mom took him to court all the time to try to get me away from him. I always thought she was my hero until I got into High School and started going to church. All of a sudden my mom started getting very mad at me for going to church so much. I had also started taking horseback riding lessons. I think the only reason she let me was because she had become friends with the barn owner's wife and the wife said i was too antisocial, I also got my own horse that year. First she was okay with me going to church once a week or fewer times, but once i started going wednesdays and sundays and getting involved, she started telling me i was spending too much time at church. It has progressed through the years.. my mom babysat the barn owner's little girl with down syndrome. First day of my senior year my best friend walked in on my mom and Ken, the barn owner, having an affair. i had already suspected it. They threatened to kill her horse if she told me, but i guessed it from the way they were all acting. Of course i couldn't let them know that, so i kept it to myself but couldn't make myself face Ken anymore so i would sneak out there to see Greyson. I had a full ride academic scholarship to a college but i didnt go because secretly my mom was telling me she couldn't live without me, but yet she acted mad when i didnt go. My mom sold Greyson after i graduated and didn't go to college without warning, it broke my heart in two.

She also got worse on me about going to church, to the point that if i went with my church to a camp or retreat, she would sometimes text someone she knew that i knew as well and tell them she wanted to die, then they would call me telling me and upset me. My pastor's wife started taking my phone when I went on retreats so that this wouldn't happen. This continued for 5 years, escalating over the years. Finally I found a college again that i wanted to go to, which is where im at now. This summer before the move though I had to move out with some family in another state. I originally wasnt going to move out, but me and my mom got into a huge fight. I left for the night to calm down and find out she started packing my stuff. Some of the family promised to be there with me, but they wanted me to come home for a party. So i did, only to find out my mom overdosed on some meds, but not enough to go to hospital. So i moved in with some family in town for a week or so, then she started the suicide stuff and blaming me so my family moved me to another family member's house out of the state til college. They all made me promise to start counseling once i got to college, and i have. I had talked to a psychology teacher at the local community college back home(i took a few classes there before moving) 2 years ago and she suspected mental illness. Well within 2 sessions my Therapist here said she believed my mom had BPD. She had me read stop walking on eggshells and we are trying to get a copy of Understanding the Borderline parent. Reading SWOE has triggered alot of memories from my childhood that is forcing me to realize that my mom wasn't such a hero after all, such as making me be a mini adult, an emotional mother to her, and the rages and hurtful comments she has made my whole life. I am dealing with a lot of nightmares and anxiety attacks, my counselor said it is because of the release of memories.... It is so hard accepting how much my mother has messed me up... even more so than my abusive physically dad. She was/is abusive physically and emotionally... Right now she is being all nice and such, but afraid of when that is going to change.
mjh8808 mjh8808
22-25, F
3 Responses Sep 19, 2012

Thank you for sharing! You are so strong. I am so glad that you got out, that your family is supportive of you and that you have found books and therapists that help.

I am about 10 years older than you. It's been a process for us and our extended family to understand what is wrong with our dad, and how to continue growing individually and in our relationships outside of his control and limitations. I still get anxiety and nightmares sometimes too. You are doing an amazing job. You are really brave for looking at the situation for what it is and for taking care of yourself. You inspire me. Keep going.

Wow, you've had a really tough time and good on you for beginning to help yourself.

It is tough to write this but I think you need to take it easy with the effects of reading the books you mentioned both of which are powerful triggers for the BPD child.

I look at it as dealing with Post Stress Traumatic Disorder - PSTD. I think you need to take it slowly. You have to be careful you are not going to fall apart yourself, as wonderful as it that you are understanding so much.

Please talk to your therapists about calming methods, try meditation and breathing and visual excercises. Please make sure you keep an even keel. The emotional body is very fragile.

Thanks for sharing. I divorced my non-diagnosed BPD EX, She has custody of all three of the kids and they all know mom has a problem, but its painful to see her abuse them because "she loves them". I am going to see if I can find a copy of "stop walking on eggshells" maybe I can pass it along to them.

i am glad it could help. Actually I would recommend Stop walking on eggshells for you and "Understanding the Borderline Mother" for them. SWOE is more all round with very little for children where as UTBM is all about what the child faces. I have not read it YET, however I ordered a copy that should be here tomorrow and I've read lots of stuff online about it.. My best advice as a child(although older now and in college), be there for them, love the UNconditionally, allow them to have fun with you because they probably dont have fun with her. My dad wasnt around and my stepdad was enmeshed in my mom's ways, I REALLY needed a daddy..

I also read a lot online to understand what the EX was all about and what she had. When I got out didn't know the reason, but knew it was unhealthy. I have been there for them the last 4+ years. I moved 15 minutes away and don't miss a visitation.