My Mother Is Toxic.

I grew up fighting with her, slamming doors, writing in my diary that she is crazy and I hated her. Cried myself to sleep most nights and felt trapped in a horrible place where I was always blamed for things and insulted for no reason.

Now that I am 20, I am beginning to realise that there is actually something wrong with my mother. Her behavior never feels appropriate to me. When she is happy, she is childlike, immature, dismissive, and honestly... annoying. When she is in a bad mood, be it angry or sad, I go from being the most amazing person in the world, to the spawn of satan.

She plays victim about everything, especially in relation to her children. It has always been a give and take. She expected us to treat her like she treated us.. not on a normal level though. To the point of her thinking being a relatively acceptable mother was a favor of some sort. She continuously told me that I was lucky she was my mother, because other women would have kicked me out long ago. Whenever we do something (like leave food wrappings until we get up next) she begins to do her favourite attack of all, even now. She seems to think it is a flawless argument that proves we are horrible people. "You wouldn't do that at ___(insert friend's name, or friend's parents name)___ house!" or the rhetorical question "would you do that at _____'s house?". usually the answer was yes, as we weren't actually doing anything wrong.. However she would then just call us liars and continue yelling.

She even snaps in public, like a child throwing a tantrum.

I recently moved back in with her but I am instantly regretting it.

I don't know how to deal with this..
If I ever try to point her inappropriate behavior out to her, she either denies or turns it back on me.

I tell her that she raised her voice, she says I did first. However, I am very careful not to.

It's starting to make me wonder if I'M the crazy one.

Our versions of the past are ALWAYS different, and she always uses the "mother" card as proof that I have to respect her and she is right.

It's getting to the point where I want to move overseas and never speak to her again.
Rainydays293 Rainydays293
18-21, F
5 Responses Dec 9, 2012

You're definitely not the crazy one, but it feels that way doesn't it? I'm 30, and I still have flashbacks of my childhood. I always thought I was crazy, but my mother never thought she was crazy. That's where the difference is. She thinks we all need counseling because we have aspergers and that's why we can't communicate with her. Doctors laugh when they hear that, but every one has said she's borderline. Course she'll never admit that because they don't. And all my life I've wanted her to admit to the things she's done that haunt me. Like strangling the cat or chasing us with knives until we told her how much we loved her. Threatening to run into a tree and kill us. Yet, in her mind she was the perfect mother and I'm an awful ungrateful child. The worst part...she was a Jekyll and Hyde, almost like two people. So while it was essentially looking in Satan's face during her episodes, in which she'd honestly scream for 4-5 hours and physically attack, she was a loving mother at other times, like two people. So while I hate her from the bottom of my soul, I also love her, which is eternally confusing. I wish she were all evil so I could just hate her and move on with my life without guilt. Glad I found this page, because I've never met anyone who knows a borderline. And besides psych doctors, no one understands how I could possibly be so terrified of a 5'5 old woman. Anyway, point of all that, is you're most likely not crazy. I've spent my whole life afraid of having kids because if I did that to them they were better off never born. Basically suicidal because I thought I would turn out like her and I couldn't do that to anyone, therefore I had no future to look forward to. Fortunately, over the years I learned from doctors that I have depression on occasion and PTSD, but no rage symptoms and they would have begun long ago if I had it. Anyway, that was long, but I can relate.

Can completely relate to your story... It is incredible to be on this site reading these stories. That's great you were able to move out to start with, hopefully you will have the strength to do that again soon. I am 23 and my moving out process has been a nightmare because of her abandonment fears... I've been in limbo for the last month, but slowly getting there.

I just sent this story to my sister because I could not believe the similarities. ha from what I read, we have a very similar life.

I was able to leave for a year last year for school but I had to move back in and its terrible.
My mom will never admit that she is wrong. she will use any information I tell her about my life against me, and definitely uses my friends or my friends parents to try to hurt me. She is manipulative, angry, and will justify every action because she is never wrong. Even constant name calling and belittling is okay because I must have started it.

That isn't even the beginning of my story, but I just want to let you know that youre definitely not alone. really really. and you're not the crazy one. It has taken me years to figure out that I wasn't the one to blame, and that she has the problem.

One day, I plan on moving far away one day, and talking to my mother as little as possible. Sounds like a good plan to me!

I just saw this site for the first time today and I am so glad that I did...reading these things makes me feel like I am not alone, and that there is something actually really wrong with my mother. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it. Please remember that youre not alone, ever.

It's not you..... You said you recently moved back in with her... moving out (even overseas) is a really good idea. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I am 51 still dealing with a maternal parent who is BPD. I didnt figure life out with her until I was much older than you. Had I had the opportunity you have to see things the way they are (it is not your fault), I would have lead such a better life. You deserve a life without that oppression. You deserve a life of health, fun, activity and accomplishment for yourself. Wishing you the best on your journey.... so happy for you that you can see clearly at such a young age.

You have to move out. I moved out when I was 18 and now I am 44 years old. No matter how you can, try to figure out how to not live with her because she will take you down with her mentally and slowly erode your self worth. You deserve peace, love and happiness in your life, not manipulation and drama. love to you...