When A Bpd Parent DiesAs the child of a BPD mother, life has been full of research as I attempted to find my own balance and maintain it when in mother's company. Our mother was highly creative, witty, funny and entertaining, as well as accomplished in many ways, so our childhoods were a double edged sword of great experiences counter balanced by total misery when she had episodes of rage and abuse or total neglect of day to day needs of the family. Thanks to effective therapy and the increasing amount of information available about BPD, it became possible for me to understand our mother's behavior and my own responses to life which resulted from it. And, there were actually times when we enjoyed each other's company greatly.
As she aged, my mother became less the BPD Witch and more the Hermit/Waif. My sister even suggested that the changes in our mother's emotional responses made it possible for her to experience a "Redo" of their relationship during mother's last years. By the time my sister shared this information, it was too late for me to step up the level of ongoing contact with my mother because of her failing health. But occasionally I find myself wondering if I should have shared more information about my activities and interests with mother in her later years, and if that might have helped build a greater sense of closeness.
I always tended to refrain from trying to share experiences with her because she usually squashed my enthusiasm. She rarely asked about what I was doing but occasionally she would surprise me by bringing up something that interested her. Our conversations and infrequent visits were usually quiet and focused on family stories or recollections, which interested us both. But they didn't include much new subject matter. I wonder if anyone else has experienced changes in the behavior of a BPD parent in later years that resulted in a closer connection?
Mother died this Fall and during her final months, I experienced most of the predictable feelings one associates with grief, which was something of a surprise, since my feelings for her are tempered with the knowledge of how little our relationship had actually evolved, and how much more it could have been. Now that she is gone, I do not quite know what I feel and am not sure what to expect. I'd be interested to know about the experiences others may have had.