I Am A Borderline, With A Daughter ,who I Hope I Didn't Ruin?

I am 36. I am a borderline. I think my mother is. She kicked me out at15....I've been on my own since then. I think my grandmother may be one, she is seriously mentally ill.neither her or my mother have ever been diagnosed and refuse to go to counseling. I have been going to therapy since my daughter was six or so. I thought I was ruining her. I love her so much, and I tell her every day. But even though I take my meds and meditate, I am still a royal *** sometimes. I yell, and when she starts raging and cussing at me ( I forgot to include that my daughter is mentally ill. Sensory processing disorder, possible mild asperger's. but a genius IQ, and her psychiatrist says maybe bipolar) , sometimes I yell back. And cuss. And before I was in therapy, there were some bad days were my moods were horrible and up and down and I know my anger scared her. That breaks my heart every day. I have apologized over and over. I do not ever want her to feel like I did at fifteen with no where to go. She is fourteen now. My heart breaks when I read all of your stories, not only because you all felt the pain that you felt, but because I don't want my daughter to feel that way about me. I will never abandon her but I can't promise to be perfect, my illness gets the best of me sometimes. My only goal is to keep getting better for her and my son, who is not mentally ill. I hope all of you find some peace, as a borderline mom this is heartbreaking.
Borderlinemom Borderlinemom
2 Responses Dec 30, 2012

This is refreshing to see how much you love your kids. Getting help is good and maybe trying to get some tactics so your illness does not traumatize your kids. I also suggest Neurofeedback it help my husband with his impulsivity physically. As for the rest, well he's so aware of when he's about to loose it that he either walk (more like run but whatever) away or ask to be left alone for a short while. It sound perharps childish but you monitoring yourself and having a code word when needing to be alone is one of the best solutions I find. Remembers, your kids are like any others if they see that you try to fix yourself as much as you claim they are more likely to be forgiving coming from a mother with a mental illness myself (who came from a terribly abusive home herself) the best times I had with her was when she acknowledge her flaws and told me (at 60 yrs old) that it wasn't about me and that she was working on improving herself. 32 yrs of waiting for this but boy was it worth the waiting! I was almost about to breakdown in tears after this and now our relations can still be rocky but not as much as before and I'm glad for it. So the point is as long as you try and let your kids see this and explain as much as you can they often do understand. Good luck!

wow, I am not even sure what to say after reading your story. My maternal parental is now 92 (i am 51). There is no hope for her. She refuses any help. I was adopted into her family at 3 days old. I didn't have any genetic mental illness....but after growing up with that woman (well, i know you know). I really like your story. Good luck. And thank you for being a mom who is changing and doing her best for her children.