My Undiagnosed Borderline Father (please Read)I am a 19 year old psychology major living with an undiagnosed borderline father (who happens to have a Ph.D in psychology. Oh, the irony!)
I remember walking into my first session with a psychologist at my university. One of the first things I said to her (the counselor) was, "I'm crazy. I think I'm bipolar." It turns out that I was no where near being bipolar, but rather the chaos of my family life was constantly biting at my sanity. [so this is a little side note to all of you lovely readers: YOU are NOT crazy; you just happen to be from or are currently in a situation that has some crazy-making abilities. You are a beautiful human being covered in the unfortunate dirt of your parent(s). Believe it or not, counseling might provide you with the dirt and shovel you need to dig yourself free. But it takes time and it's not easy, no matter how much I wish it was.]
Basically, I believe my father is "high-functioning", which means he tends to be more subtle and conniving than other borderlines. But nevertheless, his love was still conditional, his insults were just as painful, and the crazy-making was just as potent. The pain -- all of the anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies -- that I experienced from being emotionally abused has made remembering my past just as hard as forming a picture out of a black dot on a piece of printer paper... I remember near to nothing -- it's quite scary. I just remember feeling hurt, yet always striving to want to please my father. I remember all of the control, all of the lies. He would love my mother one minute, and then scream names at her the next second. I sensed his hatred for himself which was displaced onto me, and then I hated my own self. And still do, unfortunately.
The hardest part is realizing that I have never had a true father, and never will as long as his denial persists. The truth is that it's not about us (the children), it's about our parents and the past they have yet to deal with. Their hatred stems from their own hatred of themselves. Please don't believe what your mom or dad say. Don't let them teach you to hate yourself because your relationship with you is the most important one you'll ever have. Don't let him or her scare you into thinking that you are one in the same. Don't let you're dark side become what defines you!... Please do what you need to do for YOURSELF. Think of what YOU need. If your past is anything like mine, then you've probably already spent too much time thinking about their needs and everything them-related.
But it's so ridiculously hard and painful. These people are our parents. And we will try to love them and do all we can. And we will continue to hurt inside. But please know that you are not alone. Every time you hurt, I am there with you, and so is He.
This is from one tortured soul to another...
I love you all very much.