It Hurts

I was raised by a lady for 14 years and used to steal money off my father and his familly that I didn't ever know. My mum has borderline personality disorder and lied to me about a lot of things did things and shared information with me that shouldn't have been shared which was all lies. She projected all of her feelings onto me just as she did onto my father. It was so clear to everyone what was going on and it was so evident that she had done what she had. It was cruel stuff and she was helped by people I thought loved me to. But you realise like you were also traumatized by her constant yelling and screaming because she saw yourself in your father, she even dressed you like him, you were raised as the man of the house so before you had to walk out into society everyday and let people know how much she had done for you when really you were just her emotional punching bag. See from the outside it looked all good and well. People who knew me in my city saw this kid who had all materialistic things the big house, private schooling. She wore a mask everyday she worked out into society, just as you learnt to do because you felt so so so so empty and dark inside and you didn't know why. You realize all the troubles you had growing up that she used to terrarize you for were mainly because she messed you up so bad. You understand why you were a cronic bed wetter till the age of 17. And it wasn't your fault you had lice in your hair for 7 years. And when for the first time in your life after moving to another country actually feel good about yourself when every other person around you is complaining about it, it makes you very scared. Cause you actually feel good for the first time in your life. And then you realize how much incredible time you missed out on with the most loving father and his family while all you have ever done was treat him like a pig because thats what you were hardwired to do. You couldn't imagine the intensity in my voice when I talk about these things to people it would scare you. If you didn't believe my story you would think I was insane, but the thing is you actually aren't for the first time in your life because you can finally feel things that you haven't felt for a long long long long time. It wasn't fun and I am still way to angry at the people who hurt me to establish a relationship with my Dad it's very confusing stuff and it doesn't feel very good at all. I can tell you that much. Their have been some very cruel things done along the way to make my Dad appear as something he wasn't to me and my sister who was 1 when this started happening. I'm 19 and dealing with this stuff and it is pretty damn hard cause you have let 14 years of abuse build up man and it was bad stuff. It was very mean feroscious verbal abuse so so so so so intense and she just controlled you like a pawn. You just thought it was normal living. You just thought that was how life was in a home. You thought everyone did this. You thought you deserved it all, but you gave up after a while and just complied with everything she made you do. If it weren't for the fact that I had sport, it wouldn't have been good. I remember thinking at age 10 about committing suicide like just a tiny bit like I would sort of think imagine jumping off that house but then I would snap out of it and go na thats weird and convince yourself that you were just playing around and thats just what normal 10 year old kids think about. And now all the people who did this to you, who thought loved you not that you ever felt love because all it was, was a word just like every other feeling because you couldnt feel anything but numbness say your the problem, now your the one with the mental illness. I have a story here it's beyond belief, I'm really only just scratching the surface still. I can't really write anymore right now because I dont know where to go from here in this paper because their is so much messed up stuff that she did to make me hate my father when he was really the most loving person to ever walk the Earth it is amazing. And you love him but you still don'r really know how to love anybody.