My Mother Won'T Accept I'Ve Left The Relationship

My mother has bpd. I decided a little over a year ago that I was done with the relationship. I am almost 30 and couldn't handle her constant need for attention. I could t handle the blame she assigned to me for her problems, her self-deserving attitude, or the fact that she wanted so badly to be in my life that she pushed others out.

I've told her I'm done. I've told her I'm done in writing, on the phone, and with a counselor. She refuses to accept it. She showed up at my work, she waited in my parking lot for three hours until I came out of the office. She threatened to show up at my finance's parent's house (a five hour drive) if I didn't start communicating with her. She now says she is suing me for familial abandonment. I am trying so hard to stay strong.

She makes me feel like a terrible person. I hate her. I understand she has an illness, but I hate her. I hate how she has made me feel, I hate how self conscious I am because of her, I hate that I didn't experience a happy childhood because of her.
An Ep User An EP User
4 Responses Feb 9, 2013

I was standing right in your shoes about a year ago. I'm over two years of no contact with my BPD "mom" and non-BPD father now and I couldn't be happier. Through that time, I have found that I went through the many stages of grief. You are expressing anger in your post, which is completely valid. Personally, I have found that the longer I go without contact, the more my anger subsides. Every time that I receive a letter, an email, or a friend/family member tips me off that my mother is stalking me again, it reignites that anger. When that happens, I take a moment to read about borderlines, vent to someone, or have a sort of inner dialogue to alleviate my intense anger. Though I try to reason it out that she can't hurt me anymore, it is fairly deleterious to my sense of safety when she does anything. I would suggest you try using tools like these to try to get the anger out of you. I forgave my mother for her actions and for having her disease, but I will always hold her accountable. Forgiveness is not excusing her behavior, but more about finding peace for yourself. I suggest you do some introspection to see if you can't free up a drop of forgiveness. And keep maintaining strict boundaries. Your mom's behavior is scary and could legitimately pose a threat to your livelihood. And by the way, it is possible to love your mom while living in this state. I now get nostalgic about the few happy moments, especially around the holidays. It's normal and healthy to be able to feel completely opposing emotions simultaneously (look up cognitive dissonance). I find I'm finally able to feel pity and sympathy for my monster of a mother - though of course, wouldn't we all have a grand party if a meteor spontaneously landed on our BPD parents, hehe. Good luck to you as you go through your process :)

I have a saying that if you would not take it from a stranger, do not take it from your family, Just because their family does not give them the right to treat you badly, abuse you, threaten, or control you.. and does not mean you have to put up with it, or continue to allow the behavior to go on. I am sorry your mother has a mental disorder, that makes it harder, but your safety, sanity, and health are your priority now as an adult. You do not have to allow the insanity to continue.
To say no to her, is saying yes to you,and any children you may have.. If you have to change yr #'s or even move and not tell her, it is okay. Do not punish yourself for her issues, do not define yourself with her issues. If she has no respect for you, she cannot demand it from you. I wonder sometimes with some of these illnesses, if they are not used to excuse bad behaviour? Even with Bipolar, one knows when they are being cruel, and it is her responsbility to seek help and take her meds, if she chooses to not seek help and participate in her health, then she cannot expect you or anyone else to put up with her episodes. stay strong and choose happy, walk away from this abuse.

Stay strong - that's all I could say. I'm sorry to hear that you've suffered so much because of your mom. But please, try and think positive for yourself. You only have one mom, forever.

I have two positive things my BPD mom has given me... my birth and what "not" to do and be. Thanks mom!

Yikes! I guess you know she can't sue you for "familial abandonment?" That is absolutely ridiculous and does not exist. You are not required to keep up a relationship with anyone who is not your minor child. I think any attention or notice you give her will be taken as encouragement and you may need to get a restraining order against her. She may then attempt to draw you into court mess as her last resort to force herself on you and force you to pay attention to her so she can work her mess on you some more. At all times, imo, you must remain "the immoveable object." Any contact or show of emotion will probably be taken as encouragement. She will have no choice but to move on and stop harrassing you eventually if it gets her none of the pay-off she sickly craves, but since you are not dealing with a rational person, it may take awhile. I think you are very strong and intelligent to cut her off. You just can't have any kind of relationship with such a seriously unbalanced person, she would wreck you. Good luck to you, that's a rough one.