It Drove Me to a Darker Side

I am the child of border line disorder parent. I am twenty years old and my other has been suffering from depression, mood swings and erratic behaviour since many years. I have seen my mom changing from being the most loving and caring person to a completely angry, mean and rude person. This has confused me and engulfed my life till a a late time. My relationship with the my mom was extremely volatile. I live in an extended family in Asia with my uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins. My relationship with them has barely been there due to the image created by my mom since when I was a kid. I remember being a very happy, jolly, lively kid to being sad, depressed and even wishing for death on my tenth birthday. No one in my family was aware of my moms relationship with me. She would beat me up for eating an ice cream, breaking a make up, call me names . I felt like I lost my sense of being, my identity, my confidence and my self esteem. It was a break from home for a few years that brought some perspective into myself making me realize some of my capabilities, gaining some confidence and not feeling like a complete loser. My mom was extremely critical of the way I looked from calling me ugly one second to calling me the most beautiful in another. My father understands  my mothers sickness and is very supportive. But he doesnt understand mine till date. I have become an unfocused individual with no sense of self and purpose, I still feel depressed and have dark thoughts and negativity. I have failed to make any lasting friends or any friends at all. I tend to berate myself, and cant appreciate anything about me. I dont have any support in terms of my family or friends and have come to this forum hoping to meet people who can understand my life and share with me what I have become.

reahk reahk
1 Response Jul 27, 2009

boy do I kknow where you are and how it happens. My biological egg donor has absolutely shaped my entire worthless feeling life. I need so much help to repair her damage. The worst part is I truly am on her mind maybe five minutes in a one yr time period and she consumes my head. It's sick. She is completely in her bpd so called happy cycles pretending whatever for the year with whatever guy while I struggle to pay for all the therapy required due to not having a mother. I'm having a hard time not simply concentrating on the hate uugghh