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My Mother Is Bordeline and Now I Am Loveless.

Hello,

My mother has BPD and I grew up feeling guilty for other people and took on many responsibilities. Now that I am married with kids I find myself sabotaging my own marriage. Whenever there is a problem in my marriage, I find a way to make it worse. For example, my husband got very drunk the other night and as a result I told him I was leaving him. The weird thing is I am aware that this is destructive and yet I do it anyway and then later I am very hurt by my own actions. My mother still affects my married life. She hates my husband and constantly blames me for her feelings of loneliness and being unloved which is draining and my husband is very hurt by it. I wish I knew what to do to make it stop, I know my feelings are unhealthy and I want to move forward. I also have a huge problem with intimacy and affection in my marriage and my husband is tired of it. He cheated on my early in our marriage and ever since I have extreme distrust, even though I know has not cheated on me since. I just want to live a normal life, my mom disregards my feelings and says it is normal to be affectionless and I have no one to turn to for help.

rarebird rarebird 26-30 2 Responses Jul 27, 2009

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Have you read any books on borderline like, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," or any of the specific books on dealing with borderline mothers?<br />
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I've had to kind of accept she is emotionally dysfunctional, practically disabled, and find ways to talk to her and produce minimal harm. I have the same problem, if I tell her I was broken up with it's my fault for "emotional immaturity" and she thinks my best friend is controlling and stuck up when he's actually one of the most selfless people ever.<br />
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Borderline people DO NOT CHANGE until they sense an ultimatum (ie: they no longer have power and need to adapt to keep you around.) If she ever considers therapy, make sure it's DBT, the only therapy proven effective with borderline.

Oh Rarebird, I CAN relate. I am 29 and what my BPD mother has done to me echoes in the walls of who I am and probably to some degree always will. I think the hardest thing for the daughter of a BPD mother to realize is THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP HER. I know you have sacrificed of yourself as I have, I know that life is just a constant tip toe until the next blow up, consatntly wondering what she'll have to say when you make a decision before you even think about making it. It's a sad, unfulfilling existance. Please take my advice. i have woken up so much since dicovering the dark side to my mother had a name...you have to live for You sweetheart, not for her. BPD's aresome of the most manipulative deceitful creatures on this planet, but we figure if we love enough, if we pacify enough, if we run ourselves ragged to even get a moment's peace, we'll maybe finally stumble upon the key to unlock that happy, "normal" relationship. It's a lie we all live. And it has to stop with you. You love your mother I know. I love my mother. But you have to love yourself more. I guarantee all the threats and guilt trips and humiliation and degradation will never stop if you enable her any longer. It took me 29 years to realize this. I just got into it with her again tonight, where for the first time ever I told her refuse to live under her thumb. My heart goes out to you, honey, you're not alone. If you love your husband, love him. Don't give him whatever you can spare after she'd drained you dry. But FIRST, loved yourself. You deserve good things, you deserve happiness. You deserve to live a fulfilling life ON YOUR OWN TERMS. I wish you all the best, and if nothing else know there is someone who understands. Much love and luck to you. -K