My Borderline Experience With My Mother

Well, today i am 18. Only by happenstance did i come across sites and such because i felt so down and wrong that i was looking for help. The more i read the more i became shocked. what i was reading could have easily come from the pages of my life. And that was about half and hour ago. My mother has not been diagnosed with BPD, nor while she likely be, considering how she is. But all my life i was convinced, because of how she treated me and everyone around her, that i was wrong.
What strikes me the most was the quote of The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless. These were like ascepts of my own mother
The Queen - my mother has till this day, believed she has right to give judgement on anything and everything. although i dont even live with her anymore she still controls and manipulates me. She cannot even consider the notion that she is capable of doing something wrong. If there is something wrong, it was due to some other factor in her views. Basically, she could cast a stone at someone if Jesus asked her to. I've always been powerless to this because she meets refusal with aggression and if that fails she switched to emotional blackmail and enters (the waif mode) but its control through and through.
The witch- my mother has hit me throughout my life, but its the mental abuse that really is the sick thing. She thanks me whenever i help her, which is often, but a few days later she can say 'no one does anything for me' in tears and when you talk to her, she has this way of talking so even if the topic is innocent you feel like youve done something wrong by the end of it. When in public, she would dig her nail into my collar bone if it looked like i was going to speak, even if someone asked me a question directly.
Hermit - my mother is always saying she's afraid. Shes afraid shes going to die, that her bf or family is going to hurt her, that shes going to lose her job. Pretty much you name it, she can be afraid of it when it suits her.
the waif - now my mother has a condition with her shoulder and does suffer from miagraines. However her arms fine when she wants to hit someone, and you cant resist because itll hurt her. you cant upset her or anger her or it triggers a miagraine, she can go on hol climb mountains and dive when she wants but cant clean because she's incapable all of a sudden.
I think it should be regarded as child abuse. I've got tons of problems such as trust issues, low self esteem, 'emptiness' hypersensitvity and all, they match what said. It makes further sense as ive seen plenty of  shrinks who have said that there is nothing wrong with me and that i was a good kid so didnt understand why i was the way i was. Now i've got a find a way to deal with this, and most of all, heal from years of abuse that have left deep emotional scars.

AdamsKeyblade AdamsKeyblade
18-21, M
3 Responses Nov 19, 2009

Hi! I´m from Brazil and I really identified with your account! A lived it! I live it! And it´s worst situation! I try everyday live in piece but i walking on eggs.

i've been in your situation. The key to find self respect, love, self worth and ultimatly self acceptance was finding a therapist whom was educated in BPD and children of BDP. Very help was also reading Christine Ann Lawson's Understanding the Boarderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. It reads like a personal account of my life. It was difficult to read at times, but helped me identify the behaviour and coping with it. I would suggest you keep this book in your locker, since it might bring up an argument with your mother. i'm now 26, in therapy and coping with my mother and her disease. I am healing, but it's difficult. You're not alone and YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I'm 21, still living at home and in a similar situation. Both of my parents have been diagnosed with BP but they refuse to believe it is a valid diagnosis. It doesn't help to hear that "it will be over when you move out" because that is a long time coming. But it does help to hear that I'm not the only one. I hope you know that. You're not alone.