I Have An Alcoholic Mother And Family Who Doesn't Care

There is so much I could start out with. But I'm just going to talk about the most recent stuff. For starters my mother is an alcoholic, a binge drinker to be exact. She has given herself cirrhosis and who knows how long she'll live. I'm going to go back to explain the situation just so anyone who does read this doesn't get confused. Back in March, my mother decided to go into rehab and I was excited, wanted it more than she did. She stayed there for the week they kept her, and then once she got out, stayed sober two or three weeks. But once things went to complete crap, she turned to her liquor again. She kept telling me not to be mad at her and at first I did what I usually do, which is yell a little, get pissed off, and really just ignore it. Then a few days later I got a grip and called her and said I couldn't do this anymore and that I wouldn't speak to her til she sobered up. Well two, almost three months past and all of the sudden I'm getting emailed by her family telling me to call them or email them back. Before they even said anything I knew it was about her. Turns out my mother nearly drank herself to death. Oh and she drank herself into full blown end stage cirrhosis, and she has to have a liver transplant at some point to live. I went to the hospital twice with my aunt and called her a few times, mainly because I thought she was going to die. But I tried to keep myself distant because I don't want her thinking she can go and pretty much attempt suicide, and have me running back to her. She's been out of the hospital for a little over a month now and she's in diapers, never thought I'd ever have to say that, she's not drinking mainly because she can't though she'd die if she did. I've spoken to her a little here and there, but usually because she contacts me, the only time I've actually called her was on her birthday.  But to get to the point of my rambling, tonight I got a phone call from my aunt telling me that she knows me and my mom are having our problems, but that I need to start calling her a few times a week because she really needs me right now.  Then there is my cousin, her father is a recovered alcoholic and a sweet, sweet man.....now that he's sober that is.  But he is now dying of colon cancer. His daugther (my cousin) told me that "by the grace of god you can forgive them no matter how tough it is when they are dying." She may have actually forgiven her father, I don't know, and if she did that's awesome for her, but i'm not ready for that, really, I don't know that's even the path I'm going to take. But the point in that little bit of information, is that people actually have the nerve to compare that to my mothers situation, if anything that is an insult to my uncle. My mother did this to herself, and is dying because she chose to drink, but for some reason they want to blame the cancer on his old drinking habits.
I had a point to that and I'm sorry, I don't remember completely where I was going with it.  But they all act as if she had no control over what she was doing, and she did, she made the choice to drink. But they want to act as if I'm some terrible person because I'm not speaking to her as much, and because I'm trying to keep myself away from all that disfunction.  I do have people that care about me, but for some reason I really feel alone. My mothers family was obviously trying to make me feel guilty and try to push some of my buttons, thinking I'd go back to be her lap dog.  But they are getting a reaction, just not the one they'd want, I know my moms going to die, and I wanted to try and talk here and there, because I really do love my mom, but they've pushed me to the point where I'm just ready to cut them all out of my life. I'm so scared, and I have no idea what to do. I'm trying so hard to change things in my life, and I feel like the life is being sucked out of me sometimes.   But that in part comes with me feeling like I can state my opinions to them, or take up for myself. They all want to say my moms drinking is a disease and my aunt had the nerve to compare it to her food addiction, which both of those things are complete crap. My moms family is kind of crazy, I just didn't know where else to turn to tonight, so for anyone who actually reads this or replys to it, thank you.

Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious
26-30, F
11 Responses Sep 7, 2010

Some of us go to Al Anon

I have the same problem except when my mom gets drunk most of the time she is never nice to me and is always insulting me and shes always drunk. Its actually rare if I see her sober. A lot of times i actually think she hates me because she used to say how i was spoiled and my brother was the golden child which, by the way he gets into trouble all the time and does not do good at school while I actually work hard and have never gotten into any trouble. I'm not saying I dislike my brother though I mean a lot of the time he can be mean but he defends me when I need him to. Also my family really doesn't care and they keep saying she could do what she wants since shes an adult. I just cant take it sometimes... my dad(which is the only one I can turn to) cant do anything about it either because hes pretty poor and he cant just move us out. My other family members say its from stress but, she doesn't do anything but talk on the phone to her friends and go out and when I interrupt her talking to her friends because maybe for example shes cooking something and completely forgets about it and when i remind her she just pushes me out and slams the door in my face. I'm just glad I only have 3 years until I'm 18 and can finally move out with my dad and brother but its still feels like a really long time away and Ive broken down a few times and cried non<x>stop and my mom tried to drag me from my room saying I need a therapist but the thing is shes the one who needs one. I don't understand how she can treat me and my dad that way and I'm actually scared of her. To be honest it sucks because I feel like I should be used to this because shes been this way for as long as I can remember except when I was really little she used to abuse my Dad and throw beer bottles at him and he was forced to leave because of her while I was watching and because she knows she can pull out her frustrations on him she never bothered me. Im actually surprised she doesn't have any health problems because all she does is drink beer or wine with these little tiny bottles that are hard alcohol and she only has like one meal a day. (I know I said a lot in this post but actually that's just a quarter of whats happening in my house and that would be too much to type.... and escuse the Grammar errors since its really late and I just needed to vent).

Well before I really truly respond to this I do have one really important thing to say. Yes your mother needs therapy, but trust me, if you can find a counselor or therapist, you should. I didn't really see all the harm and issues my mom placed on me til I was in my senior year of high school and that's when **** got horrible for me. and I used to drink as well from ten or so up til I was 18, because I saw myself turning into her. Now don't get me wrong, you may not be the wild child I was lol but it's hurting more than you probably see and talking to someone is very beneficial I promise you that. And keep up the hard work and staying on a good path, no matter what she does, if you work for your future, than she can never take that away from you. I've learned a lot and it's weird seeing what I'm saying here because I was never this calm with my mothers issues before. And some things i never dealt with, but overall I understand, I could write a novel with my story :P But my mom had some minor health issues before her drinking, and then she stopped doing things and taking meds properly once she found her new best buddy. And it caught up to her, but she wanted to die, so I'm not surprised it finally caught up to her. And I don't know all of your story so this might sound harsh, but once your mom is gone, it'll probably be one of the best things for you. Mostly because your mom sounds like how my mom was..... neither will/would ever sober up, they'd rather blame their scapegoat, which would be us lol, and just go on drinking. It's sad but the truth :( *hugs*

Let me just say I KNOW how you feel, felt, feeling. My mother is in the same category as you mom but has got to a point where here body is as damaged as your mother's. Let me also say cause I empathize with you. Your not terrible, completely wrong or mistaken. It's ROUGH dealing with that. I came from a one parent dysfunction. Only question I have for you and if you don't mind me asking. Do you drink? I'll take it further if you choose to respond but if not good luck. Let peace be unto you.

I used to drink from the time I was 11 til I was 18, but I stopped by choice, I was getting out of hand with it, blacking out constantly. A year later I took a sip of alcohol, but I wanted more and so I poured it down the sink, it was disgusting, but I wanted to get wasted. But I'm just someone who can't drink. I'm like my mother with it, I touch it and I don't know the meaning of one, I'd be a binge drinker like her. Sorry this was a bit long for such a simple question lol

All hell girl, my response was 3deep breaths. You take as long as. You need

i have found Al Anon helpful for me to deal with alcoholism in my family tree.

I know you wrote tis a few years back, but man did it bring back a lot of memories for me with my mom. The whole thing about being a lap dog, your aunt saying it’s a disease, your cousin comparing it to her father’s cancer, and so on and so forth… I don’t know what route you have chosen whether to go back to her or to stick to your guns and keep a distance, but I chose the latter with my mom. Like your story my mom sobered up for a short period of time, but it wasn’t for too long. I mean when I turned 21 my mom gave me money to go by her vodka and beer, not a drink for me but for her LOL. The point is this, my mom did pass away, when I went in to see her on her death bed she had the tubes going down her throat and she was conscious, but barely. She looked over at me and had tears running down her face looking at me like she wanted me to tell her it was going to be alright bur I couldn’t do that. I told her she’d better be crying because she was leaving behind a son (my younger brother) who was going to graduate high school without any parents alive to attend commencements, or to look after him and his wellbeing (even though that job fell on to me shortly after my father passed away when I was 11 anyhow) , and I also through in the obligatory “I love you for bringing me into this world” followed by a few other things about how she had treated me and that if there’s a god maybe he can forgive her, but right now I can’t. Well, it’s been about 16 yrs. since then and I’m still not forgiving her totally. When I think back I do remember mostly the good times, but there are a lot more bad times then good. I’m fine with my decision because of how her and my relationship was (even though many on the outside still can’t understand how I am), and in the end as long as you can “Look at yourself in the mirror” with what you chose, then you’ll be fine too.

My mom actually passed last year on May 2 due to the cirrhosis... She didn't follow doctors orders on things and she gave up really. Cause we lost my uncle(the one with cancer) two days after I posted this actually. Then we lost my aunt about a month and a half before my mom passed away and it just all took a toll on her in the end. She wanted to die sadly. Although I think in away her cirrhosis and death was good timing lol because she died about two and a half weeks before my 21st birthday so I never had to deal with her giving me money to go buy her booze. But she totally would've done the same as your mom though :P Although my mom would get me alcohol too, and then yell at me the next morning for drinking it :P Your moms condition sounded worse than my moms when she was on her death bed, but she wasn't all there. But there enough to cry and stuff. She couldn't talk though. I was so emotional that I could barely get my goodbyes out and there was anger but I stayed with her the night at hospice before she died, and held her hand the entire morning before she finally passed. :( I'm sorry you dealt with an alcoholic though and your situation sounds worse than my own. I was an only child, so the only thing that fell on me was her estate, granted it's a pain in the *** haha, but I'll finish that up in time, you're now or were taking care of your brother, had to have been much harder than I can begin to imagine. Then on top of that you'd lost your father already too :( My father isn't in my life, but that's because he's a freaking douche bag LOL But I'm sooo sorry that you've already dealt with both losses especially so young for both. I don't think I'll ever forgive my mom, I'll work through the issues, but I'm not sure what she did deserves forgiveness ya know? So no biggie, I'm sure once it has been sixteen years for me I'll be the same way :P But one thing I must add in, I think with alcoholics it's always more bad than good. I can remember good, but I have a lot of bad memories floating around all the time. Loved the last bit and it's the truth. I'm slowly accepting what i've chosen. I stayed away from her in the beginning but the last four or five months of her life I came around more because everyone was bringing hospice up and as much as I had hated her at times, I wanted to spend time with her, I just refused to live with her. My dad is no longer in my life since she passed either especially after the **** he pulled on my first birthday after she passed. and my family I've pushed away but it's easy to do since they have no interest in talking to me either LOL But I must add in....*hugs* I'm glad you commented :D but I hate that you went through what you did also... You sound like a super strong person though. Which is freaking awesome!!!!!

Yeah, I'm sorry about her passing, I read that in a few post of yours later. I know in one of your posts you said you were angry, trust me IT'S NORMAL and also expected so go with the flow on it. I honestly think my mom began drinking for 2 reasons, 1) she's a weak person (as bad as it sounds, it would take me a novel to explain why I say this.) 2) she truly loved my dad and was lossed with out him. I think because of this I still beleive that there is love in the world.. And as for your family and pushing them away... nah you didn't they just lost out is all. Trust me, I had to go through that a few times with my family and finally one day at a family function I stood up, walked over to my one cousin, her sons, and her mom and dad and told them that I loved them, but I was done with the B.S. and walked out. I didn't like the fakeness, or all the suggestions of how I should live my life, especially since these were the same people who left me and my brother after my father died only to return for the first time in 11 years at my mothers funeral.. it's not like they lived miles away either, hell I haven't seen my dad's sister since his funeral and she lives 1/2 mile away. My dad used to always say, that god messed up when he let us choose are friends but not our family, because friends will be there for you more often then family. and you know what, he's right. I have an extennded family as I call it of all my friends. Anyhow, anytime you want to talk or anything you can hit me up. I'd try and add you as a friend but it always says "CAN'T ADD" so.. pfffttt.. whatever lol. hope you have a good day.

It's all good!! I seen it coming. That's sad about your dad :( More for the two of you guys, but that had to of been hard on your mom, but no excuse for leaving mentally and now physically on you and your brother. My mom just drank I think because she was pathetic and constantly put herself in these ****** up relationships. All the ones I know about were abusive, but she also got married when she was 17 I just never knew or met the dude.
Dude!!!! I wish I could do that with my relatives Lol I've so wanted to more or less say I was sick of the bullshit, but also telling them to kiss my *** hahahah But It's hard for me to love any of them... each has different reasons :P Your family sounds worse than mine though damn. Barely seeing them and then they show up then, it's like where were you the last decade? :P1/2 mile away? That's soooo messed up. Damn dude I'm sorry *hugs*
I added you :P Guessing that's okay :P I hope you had a good day too!!! :D

My father drank himself to death as well and I apologized to him on his deathbed, because I was no saint growing up either although I found out that he was one of the reasons I did what I did. Oh yes there was a reason why I drank and used and not because I "simply chose to." I was a year and a half sober when he passed and all his bar friends never showed at the funeral. He was even a member of The Eagles "faternity" which was really a bar that had a membership and no one showed from there either, not even a wreath. It was just me, my mother and his boss and in the end it was me, the boss, and a maintaince man that worked the graveyard that acted as "pall bearers" to put him in the ground. Well it turns out that my forgiving him was really for me anyway, because my life ultimately got better anyway. He was an Italian control freak that died by his own sword in a Miami hospital.

Hell i thought my situation was horrible. Yours sounds so much worse. I'm sorry :) *hugs* Glad things turned out better for you though :)

Yeah well the point is my suggestion would be to forgive her anyway because it's more for you than your mom.

Wow, I can understand where you are coming from. My mom put herself in the hospital this past summer from binge drinking. Her liver just couldn't take it and it gave her hepatitis of the liver. It made some enzyme increase in her body and it affected her memory. She was completely insane for about 3 days. It was scary. the doctor said she can't drink a drop more or it would kill her. And 2 days after coming home from the hospital, shes drunk again. I know she will die of alcoholism. My sister has cut my mom out of her life completely. My sister is the only one of my siblings with kids, two children. We all thought that my mom would stop drinking to see her only 2 grandchildren, but even so, she continues to drink, barely asking about the kids. Its sad. Thank you for telling your story.

Hi all,<br />
<br />
Firstly, my thougts go to all of you who have written here. Alchoholism is such a shite disease - bit of a curse really.<br />
<br />
Do any of you know how I could help my mother to stop drinking? Sadly it killed her grandmother and her father and she is type 1 diabetic so is at great risk.<br />
<br />
She is a great lady, works 9 - 5 and takes care of her family but unfortunately has been drinking too much for 12 years now. On average she drinks 3 bottles of wine a night and increasingly looks ill. In particular, she has become bloated, tired, has spider veins and her personality seems to be changing.<br />
<br />
I KNOW there is a way to help her but others seem to have given up. I am sure that I am complicit in her unhappiness - now I want to help her get better.<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading x

My Mother was, and is, and alcoholic. She was abusive to me as a child and teenager. She embarassed me constantly. She stole money from me to buy her addictive want of the moment. She kicked me out of the house when I was fifteen, and threatened to call the cops about MY drug habit at the time if I tried to move in with my Grandparents. <br />
<br />
She screwed her life off for many years, and we did not speak. While she was screwing off, I started to get my life together. I got my GED and enrolled in community college. Then I moved onto a university, and now I have a well paying career. During this long period of hardwork, My Mother and I had a strained relationship where we barely spoke. Then, after school, without telling her, or any other family, I moved away. I hated my relocation, and moved home, and suddenly, Madame Mother wanted to see me. Oh, how she missed me! Blah blah. So, I was polite, visited, and she asked me for money within 20 minutes of my visit. I had none, she chatted with me another 30 minutes or so, then suddenly 'Had an appointment, we'll hang out soon!' Not exactly motherly feelings towards the child you haven't seen face to face in years. <br />
<br />
In the interim years, she calls for money, or when she has some nasty gossip to spread about the family. I listen to the gossip because I loathe the people she is talking about, and usually it's about their addictions(Hello, pot. Let me introduce you to kettle.). This information is useful, so I know whom not to invite into my home unsupervised. Then, a year ago, she drops the bomb:<br />
<br />
"I can't really afford to live here anymore. Can I live with you and your wife?"<br />
<br />
Needless to say, I said no. I said many other things as well, which is the point I am trying to make here. I told her she would never live with me, because it's not my fault she's screwed off the entire time I've known her. I reminded her she kicked me out when I was underage, in addition to keeping my things from me. I told her that I have not loved her for years, nor felt a motherly relationship with her since I was a little child. I said I would be polite when required at family events, but otherwise, she is dead to me. <br />
<br />
"But you don't understand! My liver is giving out!"<br />
<br />
"Good. Soon you'll be dead, and I shan't have to deal with you. If I were you, I would figure out burial arrangements, because I will not pay for your funeral nor pick up your remains. If you do not have this handled I warn you- you'll go in a potter's grave."<br />
<br />
I had never felt, and have never felt, so good in my life. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. A cancer removed from my soul. I do not regret my decision, and every day knowing that she KNOWS I do not care for her in the slightest is incredibly freeing. <br />
<br />
Since that day, most family members have called, harassed, harrangued, and generally been a nuissence. They say I need to forgive. I need to be the adult here. The point is, *I* am the one who has to fix it? I have to change? No, sir. She is the on in the wrong. SHE is beyond redemption. She made her bed, so now she shall lie in it. She was never a Mother to me, just like I suspect your Mother was no Mom to you. So why should we have to be their children? We are adults now. We can associate with whom we please. Your family is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG to even consider that YOU have to be there for HER. When was SHE there for you? When did she pause and consider how HER actions affected you? And now, you are supposed to be there for her? You're supposed to stop your important life so she can be comforted? Where is your comfort? Where was it when you so desperately needed it as a child? Respect, and love, is earned. <br />
<br />
You have been considering, thinking, and existing for THAT woman since you were born. She never returned it. The well is dry. You deserve not to talk to her if you don't want to. You deserve peace. And she will be the cause of your torment, not you. You do NOT have to speak to anyone you are uncomfortable with. The guilt your family is trying to impose upon you is from their own foolish needs. They are being selfish. It's YOUR turn to be selfish for a while. <br />
<br />
Next time a family member calls to guilt trip you(which I bet is every call), just ignore the call. Read an enjoyable book instead. Or got for a walk through a botanical garden. I assure you it would be time better spent than being guilt-tripped by people WHO WEREN'T EVEN THERE. <br />
<br />
And blaming her habits for someone else's is a load of scheisse. It's passing the buck. Let her take responsability for her actions FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE. Maybe if she had taken responability for her actions years ago she wouldn't be in this mess.<br />
<br />
I hope you feel better. I am truly sorry you are forced into this situation. *hugs*

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Both my late parents were alcoholics, and to all intents and purposes, this terrible disease killed them both. My dad's alcoholism robbed me of part of my childhood, and my mother's alcoholism left me a carer really up to when she passed away. I was incredibly close to my mother, and to see her body and mind ravaged by alcohol almost killed me inside. <br />
<br />
Take care<br />
<br />

I'm really hoping your posting of this experience made you feel a little better. I know exactly what you mean when you just want someone out there, even if they're a stranger, to just be there and listen, just so that someone other than yourself can KNOW. This is such an unfortunate story. :[ I want you to know that I, personally, would go about this situation very similarly to you. Drinking is indeed a choice, and for anyone to be sincerely ignorant of it's hazardous ways would be a lie. :/ I have the same sort of relationship with my father. A crack-addict and at once an abusive husband to my mother, I do not forgive him no matter how much "better" he's gotten. He always will ask "hey, do you love me?" and I will ignore him for the first few times with an indifferent countenance. But he continues to ask, and I grumble a "yes". And he gets happy; he gets excited. It aches my heart. :[ i know this isn't exactly what you're going through; you said above you love you mother, and that's good. :] The point I was trying to make was that there's always that expectation in us: that expectation to love your family, and to always assume family is first in your life. And I think you and I know, that that's tough. The fact that they are our family makes it tough for us to accept that our heart, in all it's capability of loving, does not want to forgive someone, especially a family member, for how they've hurt themselves and those around them by the results of a controlled decision. It's a terribly guilty feeling seeing the negatives in a human being even as they're dying, and remorse is tough to come by when you've understood that this person, whose life is fluttering away, is about to leave the earth because of his or her decisions. Hm, now I feel I'm rambling without any core of substantial meaning behind my typing, so I will come to a close. I feel you shouldn't feel guilty, even if that's what your family is trying to make you feel. Family is important, it is. But I don't think that's reason enough to give them a free pass to your forgiveness and love, merely because of filial relations. Gah, for me to say this, even knowing that your mother is fighting to survive, makes me feel extremely cold-hearted.. but I think I have a grasp at how you feel, and I believe your unwillingness to forgive your mother is rational, and should not be refuted if there is good reason.

This is about a year and a half late lol But I was going back looking at stories I had written, and I wanted to say Thank you! :) Not sure why i hadn't already haha, but better way late than never :P