I Was Always His Friend; Never His Princes...

I am so thankful that I have come accross a website where I can vent to people who will understand what I am going through as well as how I am feeling.
Ever since I was a little girl all I can remember are images of my father standing with a beer in his hand or a tall glass of vodka and cranberry cocktail juice, 50/50, that is his drink of choice; when I was 7 years old is when he singled me out from my two sisters and decided that I could fetch him his beers and learn to make his drinks “just right”…I was so young I had no idea that I was enabling an alcoholic; let alone even know what an alcoholic was, I just thought beer was something my dad drank that made him burp; then when I was 8; after he had a few too many, I witnessed my “daddy” throw a chair at my grandpa and my mom because; now I know he got so drunk he blacked out and got mean- the older I got the more I witnessed him do things like this.
My dad leaned on me; he hurt both my sisters in ways that puzzled me because he was so gentle and so kind to me; I was “daddy’s little girl”, he liked to call me his “wild child” because by the time I was 9 he had me sipping from his drinks to “see what they taste like”… by the time I was in the 7th grade, I was partying with him and had witnessed things that no little girl should see her father do.
However, at the time I thought it was all ok; partying with my dad and all- at least I was safe right? Wrong. My dad is an alcoholic this is true, but he is not your average alcoholic with a drinking problem. My dad, has multiple personality disorder; when he drinks it gets worse.
My dad can drink a couple beers and be fine; more than that he gets depressed; then he switches up to the stronger stuff. My dad can’t drink; even get drunk and then stop. Once he is drunk he continues to drink until he blacks out and he always ends up hurting someone. He has hit my big sister and had his hands around her throat; while blacked out; all because he found out she kissed a guy in public when she was 14.
When we were little girls, after the divorce, my little sister went through a phase of not wanting to be touched; she woke up once in the middle of the night screaming and crying and when my mom went to comfort her she just kept yelling, “Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!”….. Recently my dad “blacked out” and nibbled on my ear, rubbing my back while giving me a hug… later he made crude tongue gestures at me… My sister says she can’t remember if our dad ever hurt her sexually, but in my head I can’t help but think that my dad could possibly be a creeper. He has done so many things that I have seen with my own two eyes, I had seen him leave a hickey on my older sisters neck once.
I used to be the only one who could calm him down and make him not act like a jerk… now I’m afraid to even see him/ talk to him/ or come home late in fear that he may be drunken blacked out and in a rage just waiting for me…
My father has caused me so much stress and anxiety within just the past few months that now I am forced to take 4 different medications. My anxiety gets so high sometimes that my body shakes and my vision also shakes.
He often talks about how if he quits drinking he will die….he quit drinking once for 2 years; seemed happy as ever, and everyone was so happy and proud of him…then he proceeds to tell me that he was miserable and wanted to die, “I wanted to slit my f***ing throat Angie!” those were his exact words to me.
I often contemplate signing him up for that show Intervention on A&E but he would probably kill himself during the episode…
Some girls have fathers who call them Princess, or Baby Girl, I hope they all know how truly lucky they are to be a princess, instead of a friend.
Well there is my venting for today….
AngelaMarie375406 AngelaMarie375406
22-25, F
6 Responses May 20, 2011

one of my earliest memories of my father drunk was when i was living in tooting london sw17, i was seven and my dad came through the front door shouting to my mum,she was upstairs in the toilet , i was downstairs and my mum had put my younger sister to bed, i said dad your drunk,he hit me with his left hand,round the side of the head,i just remember waking up the next morning on the front room floor,my dad had gone,i think,i spent a little time blacking out and coming round,a bit like dozing but with a really bad ear ache,i was admitted to tooting st georges hospital with a perforated ear drum,it's the only time i can remember when he hit me,both my parents ended up working in the licenced trade and both were alcoholics,me too,till i was detoxed in hospital,now i can drink one or two and take it or leave it,i drive,i hope you have a change in fortune for the better,one thing i know is i couldn't have been detoxed unless i wanted to,if you ever need to chat or swap mail,feel free to contact me at any time

Family is supposed to look out for family, or so so many people claim. It's a sad world for those of us whos parents can't even be parents. But you live and you learn and you learn in time that no one can be trusted, not even your family so if you want something kept secret, keep it to yourself. I'm glad to here that you are no longer an alcoholic, not everyone can be so lucky as to escape the grasp of the "devils poison" I wish you the very best of luck. and thank you i will keep you in mind should i ever need to talk :)

my dad never remarried after the divorce; he is still in love with my mom. he lives now with my grandma; which is where i live because she is helping me through college. but he just told my grandma and i that because we don't accept or understand his choice of life that he is choosing to leave...which after some long contemplation i have decided is a good thing and it is for the best.

Definitely Alanon. It could be your life, it is for people who have alcohlics in their life. <br />
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I wish you much luck and remeber to look after yourself!!<br />
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here is their link...please do look it up dear it will be very helpful for you, if you ever want to talk, iam here. I can relate a bit too..<br />
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Hugs, K.<br />
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Wow. You poor girl. Nobody should have to go through this. I know that the situation is very complex, but it seems like the only logical thing for you to do is to get out of that house. Are you done with high school yet? Did your dad remarry after the divorce or is he living alone now?

Actually no...i have never heard of neither Alateen nor Alanon before. I have never talked about my dad to any athorities or anything like that before, just this and i'm just starting.

I'm sorry you are still living in the situation that you described so well and show a lot of insight into. I'm sure someone has already recommended either Alateen or Alanon to you for support. Best of luck to you.