I Was Always His Friend; Never His Princes...

I am so thankful that I have come accross a website where I can vent to people who will understand what I am going through as well as how I am feeling.
Ever since I was a little girl all I can remember are images of my father standing with a beer in his hand or a tall glass of vodka and cranberry cocktail juice, 50/50, that is his drink of choice; when I was 7 years old is when he singled me out from my two sisters and decided that I could fetch him his beers and learn to make his drinks “just right”…I was so young I had no idea that I was enabling an alcoholic; let alone even know what an alcoholic was, I just thought beer was something my dad drank that made him burp; then when I was 8; after he had a few too many, I witnessed my “daddy” throw a chair at my grandpa and my mom because; now I know he got so drunk he blacked out and got mean- the older I got the more I witnessed him do things like this.
My dad leaned on me; he hurt both my sisters in ways that puzzled me because he was so gentle and so kind to me; I was “daddy’s little girl”, he liked to call me his “wild child” because by the time I was 9 he had me sipping from his drinks to “see what they taste like”… by the time I was in the 7th grade, I was partying with him and had witnessed things that no little girl should see her father do.
However, at the time I thought it was all ok; partying with my dad and all- at least I was safe right? Wrong. My dad is an alcoholic this is true, but he is not your average alcoholic with a drinking problem. My dad, has multiple personality disorder; when he drinks it gets worse.
My dad can drink a couple beers and be fine; more than that he gets depressed; then he switches up to the stronger stuff. My dad can’t drink; even get drunk and then stop. Once he is drunk he continues to drink until he blacks out and he always ends up hurting someone. He has hit my big sister and had his hands around her throat; while blacked out; all because he found out she kissed a guy in public when she was 14.
When we were little girls, after the divorce, my little sister went through a phase of not wanting to be touched; she woke up once in the middle of the night screaming and crying and when my mom went to comfort her she just kept yelling, “Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!”….. Recently my dad “blacked out” and nibbled on my ear, rubbing my back while giving me a hug… later he made crude tongue gestures at me… My sister says she can’t remember if our dad ever hurt her sexually, but in my head I can’t help but think that my dad could possibly be a creeper. He has done so many things that I have seen with my own two eyes, I had seen him leave a hickey on my older sisters neck once.
I used to be the only one who could calm him down and make him not act like a jerk… now I’m afraid to even see him/ talk to him/ or come home late in fear that he may be drunken blacked out and in a rage just waiting for me…
My father has caused me so much stress and anxiety within just the past few months that now I am forced to take 4 different medications. My anxiety gets so high sometimes that my body shakes and my vision also shakes.
He often talks about how if he quits drinking he will die….he quit drinking once for 2 years; seemed happy as ever, and everyone was so happy and proud of him…then he proceeds to tell me that he was miserable and wanted to die, “I wanted to slit my f***ing throat Angie!” those were his exact words to me.
I often contemplate signing him up for that show Intervention on A&E but he would probably kill himself during the episode…
Some girls have fathers who call them Princess, or Baby Girl, I hope they all know how truly lucky they are to be a princess, instead of a friend.
Well there is my venting for today….