Twelve Years And Counting.The last time I remember my mum being sober for longer than a week was when I was six years old. I didn't really notice what was happening until I was ten, all I knew from the age of six up until then was that my mum had a dramatic personality change when the sun went down. When I finally clued in on what was happening I didn't understand. It worsened exponentially when my parents separated six years ago, and it continues to worsen with every coming day.
My mum's alcoholism has driven my sister away and I don't know how much longer I can cope with it. Every day is a struggle. She works six days a week and I see her sober for maybe six hours a week. I love her to pieces, but I dread the moment when she breaks out the wine and the vodka. Everything becomes my fault - financial issues, my mum's love life, the state of the house, how she feels, her lack of job satisfaction, the list goes on. She bullies me relentlessly about every little thing I've ever done wrong. I can never bring up her flaws because I am not flawless. It is a never ending cycle of me trying to make myself perfect so I "fix" her and we can repair our life - it never works, surprise surprise.
Everyone loves my mum because they don't know her as a drunk, and I constantly feel guilty for being upset with her drinking. If we have problems when she's drunk, she tells all her friends, and I become the bad guy because "she's having a hard time". She's been having a hard time for twelve years. What about my hard times? Where was she when I needed a shoulder to cry on? Where was she when I was stranded at school for three hours after a school concert because she'd gotten drunk and passed out on the lounge? I brought up my sister by myself - not financially, my mum and dad did that by collective effort, but emotionally. My father is more focused on his job than anything else and simply pretends it's not happening. The last time I spoke to him about it he threatened to call child services on her, hoping it would boot her into detoxing. It didn't, it just made her angrier, and she drank more. But my sister has had so little parenting from my mum. Every time there is a problem, I'm the one she comes to, I'm the one she wants. All my mum does is harass her about "abandoning" her.
I've reached the point where I don't know what to do. My grandma and I have tried everything - interventions, AA, rehab, etc. I'm not looking for a solution, just someone to talk to who's in a similar position.
thornburger 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 Apr 1, 2012