My Dad's Still Suicidal

Tonight when I got home, depression just took over me. I ignored it. Did my homework, talked to people, painted. It was when I was painting that I lost it. I messed up on a part of it. I snapped. I thought of the night my dad tried to kill himself. I try so hard not to, but it'll affect me until the day I die. I can still hear him saying that it was time to go home, how all of us would be able to live a normal life without him, how I would turn out better without him in my life. That night never leaves my mind. Nobody knows it. Everyone at school just thinks I'm snarky and moody, but really I'm just trying to figure out why Dad wanted me to live without him. I don't understand it. He's not the same. Neither am I. Everyone else seems unchanged by it. I don't get it. It's so hard to think of that night. He wouldn't look at me. Even when he was talking to me. Dad would look at everyone but me. He told me that someday I'd understand. I won't. My dad, the person that raised me and taught me so many life lessons about being strong, wanted to give in and leave his entire family. I feel like it's my fault. I know it isn't, but.. I just want to understand. I feel like I'm not good enough for him, like I'm a failure, and I haven't turned out how he wanted. My sisters don't understand me anymore. They don’t think Dad is ever going to do anything else like that again. But I know he will.. I’m still so scared. April 21st will never be the same for me again. I can’t help but feel lost. I actually still have homework to do, but I can’t bring myself out of my thoughts to do it. I can’t deal with this. I want to cut. I want to feel pain. I want to die. But I know people care about me, and I’m not selfish enough to do it. Even if I’m not going to do it, I still can’t stop crying. Everyone comes to me for support, and I give it to them. But I can’t give it to myself. I have no one to support me. No one has been through what my dad put me through. I can’t talk to someone who doesn’t understand. I want to scream. I want to run away. But I can’t. Someone will hear me. Someone will catch me. I want to get out of this place, this town, this state. But even if I get away from here, the problems don’t go away. The emotions, the pain, it’s all still there. I don’t know what to do. Even blogging about it doesn’t help because no one ever replies. I can’t find anyone who understands, and I’m slowly driving myself insane all because my dad tried to commit suicide.
vicspen vicspen
18-21, F
May 9, 2012