Miserable

Alcoholism runs in my family. My grandmother and now mother are both alcoholics. I can remember my grandmother drinking as far back as I can remember, but it didn't get bad for my mom until about 7 years ago when I was in high school. She'll be ok for a few weeks or months even but then she'll be triggered by an argument with one of my family members or stress from work and s or drink for a few consecutive days or sometimes weeks. She lost her job of 17 years due to drinking on the job and has since gone through 5 jobs in the past 3 years. What makes it even worse is that my stepfather who used to physically/verbally abuse her up until 5 years ago is often the trigger. I've never had a good relationship with him because after witnessing him abuse my mom I've always hated him and never trusted him. All throughout my last 2 years of high school it seemed like a cycle of them getting into an argument, her drinking to "get back" at him and the end result being a huge fight, leading me to call the cops on several occasions.

Luckily I was able to go out of state for college so I was able to physically get out of this toxic environment, but I would still receive the occasional drunken call with yelling in the background or call to check up on her at work and hear her slurring into the phone. Now that I've graduated school, I've moved into my own apartment one state over and started to build a life for myself. Unfortunately my family is still haunting me. My mom is still having sporadic drinking binges and I feel caught in the middle of all of my family issues. I don't really trust my mom because I know she's liable to snap and start drinking again at any trigger, my grandma and the majority of my mother's side of the family often enables her because of their own weaknesses and I feel I'm forced to put any remaining trust on my stepfather because he's the only one who can stay steadily sober. I feel terrible for my younger brother who's just coming up through high school now and is caught in the middle of all this. Part of me feels guilty for moving out and him being stuck there, but I knew that I wouldn't last another minute in that house conditions being what they can turn to so quickly.

Part of me wants them to get a divorce and part of me is scared of what my mom will become if they do. They don't seem to have any emotional connection left at all. They'll both go to unnecessary extremes to prove to the other that they are their own person. For example he'll take off at 10pm and not come back until 12am without saying where he's going, and she'll disappear on a sporadic trip to Atlantic City for the night with some of her cousins. What drives me especially crazy is that any time they get into an argument and I'm present they like to take digs exposing what each other "really does" as if to make me pick a side. It makes me sick.

I've contemplated suicide before, mostly throughout my late high school years and when I would be stuck back home during the summer breaks from college, but realized there is too much to live for. I've also self harmed in the past, but have worked past it except for a few slip ups. Part of what's weighing me down is the fact that I have never shared any of my story with anyone. My friends all think my family is perfect because that's how I present them, and we truly do have good moments, just not all of the time. I would love to see a therapist but unfortunately I don't have insurance or the means to pay for it.

I'm so happy that I found this site, and wish that I had done so years ago. I know there's not much I can do until she realizes how much she's hurting everyone and decides that she wants to stop drinking. In the mean time I'll just have to try and focus on my own life and finding happiness.
SinkingShips SinkingShips
22-25, F
May 20, 2012