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Victim Of Alcoholics Mentally Ill Parents

I am a child of alcoholic parents. They were functioning alcoholics. Even when they were sober there was something off about them. I was a scapegoat in my family. For some reason, and I wish I knew why, I was the one who was emotionally, verbally and physically abused. Because my father was away working long hours, my mother was the one who virtually destroyed any feelings of self worth I might have had. I did not enjoy my childhood, thus I am not enjoying my adult life either. I was in therapy for years. I am also an addict, mostly a binger. I am trying to muster up some sense of worth, some sense of self-respect. It is not easy. I feel like I'm rearranging the chairs on the deck of the Titanic. Is it worth the effort. When I go back to visit my father, my mother has since passed, I can't believe how his attitude toward me has changed. He used to be at least civil and now he is down right mean. I've come to see my family as leaning toward the ******* side. There isn't a lot of compassion for anyone with problems. I am not sure if it's me or has it always been this way. AND I'm coming to the conclusion it's always been this way. It's getting late in the game for me. I am no spring chicken, but I don't know how to turn this ship around. I just wish there was some one out there that could throw me some crumbs and get me feeling better about myself. Do I need to lock myself up in some Buddhist meditation camp for the rest of my life? Perhaps that would be an option. I just don't want to live like this anymore. There has to be more in life, then my stumbling, falling and stumbling falling. I am tired.
BuddyBo BuddyBo 56-60, F Oct 12, 2012

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