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I Hate My Mother.

Ever since I can remember my mother was my antagonist. She was always telling me what was wrong with me not what was right. I was supposed to be more like my sister. It was a chore to even be near her. There was a tension you could cut with a knife. I am resentful that I was the scapegoat for all that was dissatisfying in her life. She would tell me to do insane things like cut the lawn with a scissors. I was always under a lot stress. I was always afraid that I would do something that would cause her to anger and verbally and physically abuse me. I am way old and still I can't put this behind me. I am angry and resentful just like she was. All of my other brothers and sisters were not touched but not me I was slapped and beaten. AND my father would come home at night and I was always wondering what she had told him and why I was getting a beating. It was always "wait till your father gets home" you're going to get a beating. I often wonder if the punishment fit the crime but I had nothing to gage it against. Still I battle with this and try to resolve these issues. It is very difficult. I am damaged goods.
BuddyBo BuddyBo 56-60, F 2 Responses Nov 14, 2012

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My father was no shining example either. He finally drank himself to death a year and a half later after I seriously started going to A.A. if I didn't say that good things didn't start happening for me after his death I'd be lying, because they sure did. In plain old english, I finally started getting happy. Things really started taking off for me after I did the steps out of The Big Book. Loving myself got infinitely better after that. Hang in there.

Thanks, I appreciate your response.

You are Not Damaged Goods. Your Just a little wounded that's all. I've never been abused by my parent so i can't relate. But I do pray that you can find peace and healing in your life someday and i pray much sooner than later because that's big burden that you carry around. Sometimes we have to break that victim cycle. Yes, we are victimized but its up to us to either stay the victim or pick up the pieces and seek counsil or therapy or whatever we need to get through and live a happy rest of our lives you know and i say that in the most understanding way

Thank you. I am very mindful of my victim status. I still have lapses of anger and resentment. It definitely helps to vent and then it loses it power. I also meditate in an effort to put all of this in perspective and realize that my thoughts are not me. Thanks again for the response. I needed to hear that