Losing My Dad

How do you cope with watching your parent slowly kill themselves, binge drinking and taking a rainbow of narcotics even when they cannot walk, talk, or feed themselves? I don't know. I'm 20, in college, expected to finish my classes in the next two weeks and continue leading our school's writing center despite finding my dad nearly dead this Thanksgiving break. His skin was hanging off his bones, he couldn't walk, and his speech was incoherent slurs of babbling; when the paramedics got there his lungs gave out and they had to 'bag him', pumping air into his lungs from a bag because he could not breathe on his own. He's in the ICU now and I went to see him tonight. He was fully conscious with a tube down his throat, croaking when he tried to say he loved me and he was sorry. We sat in silence for awhile and he would occasionally look to me in the eyes and cry, and I would try to smile and say I love him and it will all be okay. Now I'm trying to finish a 15 page paper due tomorrow and I can't shake the recollections or the deep sadness they bring. At least by reading these posts I have realized that I'm not the only one who feels that I'm supposed to carry the weight of the collapsing world on my shoulders while trying to act like I'm just another "normal" person.
helloiloveyooou helloiloveyooou
18-21, F
4 Responses Nov 26, 2012

Hope your paper went well. Yes - you will have to find a way to shut an emotional door to him in order to do what you need to do for you. It's hard but it is possible. It cracks open all the time, but you will figure out how to close it when you need to. That is where I am at. It's amazing how the details of our experiences can be so different and yet the feelings so much the same. I am grown & out of the house - but 3 weeks ago found my mom on the ground after attempted suicide and a whole heck of a lot of liquor. She pulled through, her BAL was 3.13. And I am haunted by those 6 hours. But - after years of riding her roller coaster I knew that night I was done. I looked at her as she said "I'm so sorry" and I felt so....empty. I have not spoken or seen her since. I have my own family and my own sanity to worry about. But - crappy thing is - I don't know what's more insane: me being in & out of her life when I can (when she's in a dry spell) or being out of it completely. I don't want to "enable" her by always being there no matter what sh** she puts me through, but it really hurts to walk away like this.

My dad is an alcoholic too. Sometimes i feel like an orphan because he never been their for me when i needed him . but i moved on far away from him. be patient . good things come to those who wait.

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've been experiencing, believe me when I say that I know first hand what it's like having to worry about your parent's addiction and worrying about a mid-term you have the next day. You're not alone, both you and your father will be in my thoughts, and I wish you the best of luck on your paper

I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope your Father gets better.