My Mother

My mother is an alcoholic and I grew up very quickly to look after my sister. I protected her secret for years, cleaned up her messes for her (both literal and metaphorical), I've had to ride with her in an ambulance 3 times, one of which was my 18th birthday. She broke my nose, hit me and pushed me down the stairs. She's said horrible things that ill never be able to forget. I had to steal to feed me and my sister and for gas and electric. I'm not proud of myself, please don't judge me I did what I felt needed to be done. She begged me to keep her secret and I did.

My childhood was nowhere near brilliant and I know most people have it far worse. But. See. The thing is, my mother stopped drinking 6 months ago. Everybody thinks its brilliant and they keep telling me 'put the past behind you. Just forget about it'

But I can't.
I can't forgive her and I can't forget about the things she's done. I hate myself for it. For years I prayed that she'd stop, but it never came. It got to the point where I almost started grieving my mother.. I found her barely breathing, or choking on her own vomit so man times.. I thought it was only a matter of time.. :(

I really want to forgive her.
I really really do.
But I can't.
SometimesMaybeAlways SometimesMaybeAlways
18-21, F
Jan 6, 2013