Intimacy

The older I get the more I struggle....my father drunk, always, but how do I say this, not exactly badly.
I rarely saw him drunk.....or more I always saw him drunk, but he didn t seem to change him that much.....only occassionally would he be nasty with it. Ususally just stubborn.

I ve read the laundry list, I kinda get it. I ve no idea what normal is, I ve no idea how I m supposed to act half the time.

Sometimes I feel like I brought myself up.......sometimes I feel like I m a feral child. Don t get me wrong people were there, just not close.

I don t understand close relationships, I feel trapped easily, every day intimacies people seem to want , I want too.....but they make me feel smothered, trapped.

I have the need to escape.
I am tired of disappointing people with my need for space, my need to isolate sometimes.

If i have to be close all the time, I shut down. I get overwhelmed easily,

As I age, I get stranger, I ve always wanted to be like everyone else......yet the older I get the more I realise just how different I am.....how apart I am.

There are lots of books and sites about acoa's, explaining them.....but none really give any help they just explain why.....or say you will act like this and maybe feel like this.

But how can you be different? How you be like everyone else? How can you be normal? How can you stop the fact you grew up with an alcoholic from defining you and every relationship you have ever or will ever have?
How can you make yourself better? Healthier? Happier? healed and whole? I am tired of understanding.....I just don t want to be like this any more.
loudn loudn
26-30
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

I hear you. If I had the answers I'd give them to you. I'm going through basically the same thing.