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My Mom Drank Herself to Death

I am 29 and my mom died on Thanksgiving 2005 of cirrhosis of the liver. Slowly, her liver, kidneys, and lungs failed. She was 44. There is so much I am going through as a person because of her alcoholism and it makes me so angry that I have so many problems because of it. I don't even know where to begin to unravel the mess she has created.
aka746 aka746 26-30, F 74 Responses Feb 21, 2007

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Hi my name is kaytlynn, i am 20 years old and my mother (47 years old) passed away on november 25, 2013 of liver failure due to drinking. Her drinking started after we put my grandmother into a nursing home. My mother felt like she lost her bestfriend and resorted to prescription pills, which lead to her liver failing in the first place. (She took over 600 norcos in less than a week) from there she switched to alcohol, which i was 19 at the time and just out of high school and i was partying and my mother used that as a cover for her excessive drinking. Once the partying stopped i then realized how much of a problem my mother had with alcohol. She denied it when anyone told her she had a problem... i tried to get her help but with an addict you can only help so much until they want to help themselves, which she didnt until it was too late. Ive spent the last 1 1/2 years trying to help my mom, but the more i tried to help the more it destroyed our relationship. I used to be "mommys little girl", then i became "mommys big problem". I wish i could have done more, theres not a day that goes by that i wish i could have tried harder. Now i am left with a dad who was in and out of my life and who was in jail for most of my childhood. Now i get to live with someone i barely even know. I feel so guilty and feel like its my fault i let her get so bad. If anyone has any words of advice please help me!!!

Hey my names Billy. I am 20 and my mom died January 4 2014 age 55. My mom had been sober from 1997-2002 when she relapsed. As soon as she did no one said a word and no one did anything. No one told me about alateen and I never looked up how to help. I never told her how I felt because I was but I was always mommys little boy. I feel like if only I had gone to alateen I could have talked to her and helped but looking at your post I am coming to think she may have rejected me like your mom did and it would have destroyed me.. In the fall semester of 2013 my mom lived with me in an apartment and I thought if she got out of the house she might drink less. She didnt. I enabled her I got no help or support. She forced me into getting her drinks for her by threatening to drive. I wish I had been you and tried correct methods but all I knew how to do was love her and I did so very much. I wish I could have done more too. I did all the wrong things because I didnt know any better. We both tried though and we both failed. Everyones going to tell you that it was her fault not yours but its not. I dont think its anyones fault. Theres no one to blame for this. It takes a miracle for people to recover from this disease. There are so many things that must happen for someone to survive alcoholism. For me not a single one happened. I never even looked it up but you got further. You eventually looked how to help effectively and I didnt. I also hate when people say you cant help an alcoholic get better because I think you CAN just not alone. It takes everyone she knew and everyone who cares about her have wanted her to get better just as much as you did and all of them have to work together. Denial prevents this. In order to get to intervention you have to 1. Build yourself up and detach (not easy at all) 2. Pull every single other person out of denial 3. Plan all together. 4. Make an intervention 5. Entire familly must agree to change their roles with that person if they do not change (they must all detach) 6. If they do get in and then relapse REPEAT. My family didnt do that last step. But im just showing how challenging this is from what it sounds like you got to like step 1 which is further than I did. But it helps me knowing how far I really was from saving her. Like I said it takes an act of God to make all this happen. It either happens or it doesnt and we have to take whats been given now and make ourselves stronger. Pursue your dreams and passions and make your mom proud! Thats what Im doing now :)

Hey my names Billy. I am 20 and my mom died January 4 2014 age 55. My mom had been sober from 1997-2002 when she relapsed. As soon as she did no one said a word and no one did anything. No one told me about alateen and I never looked up how to help. I never told her how I felt because I was but I was always mommys little boy. I feel like if only I had gone to alateen I could have talked to her and helped but looking at your post I am coming to think she may have rejected me like your mom did and it would have destroyed me.. In the fall semester of 2013 my mom lived with me in an apartment and I thought if she got out of the house she might drink less. She didnt. I enabled her I got no help or support. She forced me into getting her drinks for her by threatening to drive. I wish I had been you and tried correct methods but all I knew how to do was love her and I did so very much. I wish I could have done more too. I did all the wrong things because I didnt know any better. We both tried though and we both failed. Everyones going to tell you that it was her fault not yours but its not. I dont think its anyones fault. Theres no one to blame for this. It takes a miracle for people to recover from this disease. There are so many things that must happen for someone to survive alcoholism. For me not a single one happened. I never even looked it up but you got further. You eventually looked how to help effectively and I didnt. I also hate when people say you cant help an alcoholic get better because I think you CAN just not alone. It takes everyone she knew and everyone who cares about her have wanted her to get better just as much as you did and all of them have to work together. Denial prevents this. In order to get to intervention you have to 1. Build yourself up and detach (not easy at all) 2. Pull every single other person out of denial 3. Plan all together. 4. Make an intervention 5. Entire familly must agree to change their roles with that person if they do not change (they must all detach) 6. If they do get in and then relapse REPEAT. My family didnt do that last step. But im just showing how challenging this is from what it sounds like you got to like step 1 which is further than I did. But it helps me knowing how far I really was from saving her. Like I said it takes an act of God to make all this happen. It either happens or it doesnt and we have to take whats been given now and make ourselves stronger. Pursue your dreams and passions and make your mom proud! Thats what Im doing now :)

I grew up with an alcoholic father and the mess that has been left in your life is the residue of undesirable memories. You are no longer a prisoner to the choices that your mother made on her own. Her weakness and inability to function in this world, is no fault of anyone except her. You were born to break the cycle; you were born for a reason and that reason was to live and to make the right choices in life, to live life and make friends and develop relationships. Having an alcoholic parent is like a sports injury. Your depressed because it happened and you seem to be down for good, but your resolve to want to live and win in life is the impetus that heals the wound, freeing you from the crushing pain of the injury and delivering you to your goals and passions. I went through some horrible things, but to hold on to those things is like holding on to the stone that has submerged you deep with in the ocean; you must let go and let the buoyancy of hope bring you to the surface so that you may continue to live. Believe in yourself and look upward; don't congregate around past memories that will ensnare your will and determination.

Hi, I'm Julie. I just turn 16 and my mom is also a alcoholic.. She has been drinking ever since I can remember. Being in high school it's really hard to be near her. People want to come over and I have to make up excuses because I don't want them to know.
I just go up to my room and try not to cry all the time. It's also even harder.. Because my father is in the military and is off at war right now.. So I am completely on my own..
I pray everyday that she will get better.. Or at least sober up until he gets home.. But I know this wont happen..

Hi Im Luke, Im Very Sad At The Moment Because Of My Mom, Im 12 And My Mom Suffers With Alcoholism, Im Always Walking Home From School Praying In My Head That She Is Not Drunk.
When I See Her Like That I Go In To My Room, Lock The Door, And Cry For 1-3 Hours I Take It All Out On My Self And I Shouldent Do That.
Really On GOOD Days She Is The Best Mom Ever!
But On A Friday... Thats It She Is Drunk, Ever Friday But Since Tomorrow 2013/13/12 She Promised Me She Wont Drink Because Its Here BDAY!
-----------------------------
Please God Save My Mom And Keek He Safe, Stop Her Drinking And Make Her BDAY & My XMAS Special...
Please GOD!
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AMEN.

Hi,

I just typed so much to you and I hit "reply" and ALL OF IT erased. I want you to stay tuned because I have a lot to say to you. I can truly related to everything you said, and I have some encouraging words for you. I have to step away from my computer right now, but I will be back on later to respond....until then, I want you to HANG IN THERE!! :)

Okay I Will Thanks.
<3

Hi Luke,

It's amazing how much we have in common. I am a 32 year old woman who, at your age, used to do the same things that you've done. I too remember walking home from school praying that my mother wasn't drunk because I knew the atmosphere would be so chaotic. I TOO used to hide myself in my room. Often times, my mother would bust in and pick fights with me. Interestingly, she TOO was such a GREAT person when sober, and I knew this was the REAL person she was, but that she struggled with so many problems in life. No this isn't an excuse for her behavior, but I truly understood that she had a need behind the reason she would drink. A need only God could truly meet. I want to first commend you for reaching out. I know I was meant to send you this message because I had a dream last night of my mother in a a drunken state, and it took me back to the pain I felt when I was around your age. It hurt me tremendously and gave me a feeling I never wanted to experience again. I actually stumbled across your post after searching Google to see if there was any literature about why dreams that deal with past events sometimes re-surface. Well I do believe that dream was meant for you. Since it's been so long since I had to endure such a problem, the dream brought all that I "felt" back then back to mind. I want to encourage you to know that whatever reason your mother drinks is NOT your fault. No matter what is said to you when she drinks. I want to also encourage you to find close family members with whom you can spend time with on those occasions when she is drunk. That will help alleviate some of the stress you may experience. I am sure you probably don't want to leave your mother and that is understandable, but it's important that you have stable people in your life to offset the possible instability at home. This really helped me. If I didn't have my grandmother and cousin's home to go to, I would have probably have trouble coping with my mother's problem. What also helped for me was to write. I know your a guy, but journaling is one of the best ways to get my feelings out. Instead of taking things out on yourself, put it on paper. You are not to blame, and you are already dealing with enough. Harming yourself only adds to the pain that you are enduring. What also helped me was to engage in activities at school. I used to run track, so that helped me blow off some steam. My accomplishments also showed me that there's good to life in the midst of bad things that may happen at home. In addition, it helped me realize that I am much stronger that I think. However, I encourage you to beware that you don't "accomplish" as a way to change your mother, or as a way to "prove to her that you are worthy of her change and love". You are ALREADY worthy of love, and don't have to "buy it". I found myself doing that, and realized one day that I lost some of myself because I was living for someone else (mother). It's not selfish to live how God created you. You will be most fulfilled in life if you do live according to your calling. And lastly, I want to encourage you to KEEP ON PRAYING! GOD hears your prayers love! And GOD is so faithful to respond at the most PERFECT time! JESUS said that HE CAME TO HEAL THE SICK, so you pray that JESUS heals your mother. Pray that HE protects your through it all, and allows you to make it through without damage. I know this may sound funny, but you are a very special young man! GOD doesn't allow everyone to go through what you are going through. While IT WAS NEVER HIS WILL for us to experience troubles like this in life, HE TAKES THOSE TROUBLES and turns them around for our good. I personally think HE gives special favor to those who go through a little more than usual (people like you and I). I tell you this because I am a living example. I am a survivor of a house-hold which had an alcoholic parent. My father was an alcoholic too. Today, I do not drink. I was the first person to go to college in my family, and I have an AWESOME relationship with GOD! I believe you are on the same path. There's so much great in your future. As sure as one season comes, it has to go! This season will NOT last long, and one day, you will find yourself being used by GOD to reach out to people like us who have come from a troubled household. Whether mom drinks on her birthday today or not, please try your best not to let the situation steal your joy. Jesus said HE left us HIS PEACE...not as the world gives, but HIS PEACE HE LEAVES US....HE does not want us to fear or be afraid. JESUS'S peace happens when everything in our lives is LOUD (i.e. mom's drinking, mom's yelling, the pain you experience when mom drinks, etc.). Whenever you are in a chaotic situation and your mother is drinking, say a little pray and ask JESUS to allow you to experience HIS PEACE--and trust that it will come. If you have any questions or would like to talk more, please feel free to reach out to me anytime! From on SURVIVOR TO ANOTHER (yes, you WILL survive this)---i love you and will be praying for you!

Hi Its Lukke Again,
Thank You For Teling Me This I Try And Try To Stay Strong But I Just Carnt!
Every Day I Go To School See These Happy People And Think They Have A Nice Family But I Dont, Really Im Just Angry In Side I Have A Great Family.
When You Said Stay Close To My Family Its Hard, Because My Dad Left My Mom In 1991 Then My Moms Brother Died Of Asma(sorry for bad spelling!) Then After These 2 Thing DRINKING Hit Her.
So All I Have Is My MOM , My Nan & GDad My GDad Wants To Kick Her Out And Ive Punched Him Lots To Stop Him, Becasue Once He Throgh My Mom Straight Out The Door And She as Crying Her eyes Out, She Said Ill Be Back Soon, I Hit My GDAD As Hard As I Could And Said Leave Her Alone You **** And Ran After My Mom For About 3hours after 9pm, After That My GDAD Went Out To Look For Me, I Couldent Find Her So I Cryed In A Bush For Ages. at about 1am I Came Back Finally And They Were Crying Too I Went Up To My Room And Cries.
at 4am my mom came in my room ran a t me and said ''sorry Luke im being selfish'' ''im sorry im sosrry'' she was a bit better at that time. then my gdad came in and said get out i stred swering at him and telling him to go away hen he went and me and my mom sleeped for the night together.
That Was One Of My Hardest Nights Ever/Work Day Ever.
Im Juust Scared Im Gonna Loose Her My 2 sisters have give up on her but im NEVER EVER Gonna give up.
Thanks,
Do You Have Skype, Because If You do contact me at: luke.hinckley
thats my skype name please add me i want to talk more thanks for you time

Luke, you are a brave young man. I understand what you are going through. God is there for you and with you at all times; please remember that.

Hi Luke, I am currently 12 like you... my mom passed on August 1st of last year from alcoholism.... even if your mom is an alcoholic and gets drunk, know that she loves you regardless even if she yells at you or passes out. See through her illness and remember she is your mom. I have many-a-time cried my eyes out and hundreds of times I prayed for her... she just couldn't get better. Enjoy your mom while you have her.... you never truly know what you have until it is gone <3 I hope you can get through this... talk to your friends if you get too depressed. Mine were there for me all the way.

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I have just heard that my mother is at home and she is drunk. She has been drinking since I was 7 years old. I am now 26. I have so much built inside of me and don't really know what I am doing on this blog. My mother is now 47 and she has recently come out of the hospital from a 2 week detox because of her drinking. She is on anti depressants. Tablets to make her stop the craving. She has been to rehab over 4 times. She has been to physiatrists, doctors, AA.... NOTHING has worked. I live 3 hours away from her and feel so useless because I feel like I have run away from her. My brother is living with her and helping her run her business because she is not reliable, she owns a restaurant. Last weekend my brother came to visit me, we were having dinner and could not enjoy the time we had together. Friends and customers where calling my brother and myself saying our mother is very drunk and is throwing food and drinks on people. She also slapped a 14 year old girl for being underage and drinking (that's still no excuse to slap someone else's child). I feel like I am going to loose my mother, we used to be so close. She is going to die and I need to just accept that. The sad thing is, she is actually an amazing woman when she is sober. Loveable, funny, outgoing and has the biggest heart. She has been through so much and has always been there for my brother and I. I feel so helpless. I have honestly tried everything and feel like I have failed her.

She needs to go back to AA . It does work . If you follow what the people have done and learn from their experiences and keeping going back you stay sober! But you have to commit yourself completely to it and surrender the fact that you are an alcoholic and you can't drink ever again. When you go to the rooms of AA you get a spiritual awakening

How are you? I just wanted to let you know that my mom Killed herself on thanksgiving of 2013 and if you feel that your mom needs help geting trough this then you need To do what ever it is that you can to help her trough this. I wish I could turn back time and change what happened but I can't. If its not too late for you than you should.

My mother also past of alcoholism at 44. I was 18 when she past and she only started drinking 4 years earlier. My high-school years felt like I watching the slowest train-wreck imaginable. I still don't know what to make it. All I can do to keep from going insane with grief and trauma, is tell myself it is a nasty, vicious disease. And the realities of the danger of this disease do not usually set in until perhaps, its too late. And to be careful, as well as teach others to be careful. I'm terribly sorry for all of you who are sufffering children of alcoholics. If there is any comfort I can give, it's that you're not alone and it is not your fault.

hey everyone im 13 years old. when i was 4 my parents got a divorce and i dont really know why. until this day i am still not sure. i think its because she is an alcoholic. i dont have to live with her and i live with my dad which is cool. but i need my mother there. im so scared that she is gonna hurt herself or even alcohol kill her. she is often gone for weeks at a time and i do not hear from her at all. she has had 3 seizures that scared the crap out of me. once when i was probably 11 we were playing in the sprinkler having fun when my grandmothers dog got lose so we ran after her. when we got her my mom said she felt dizzy then she fell to the ground and had a seizure then that same day she did it again at my brothers baseball game. another time was last year she had a seizure at our local grocery store and cracked her head open. i myself passes out because of all the confusen. i have llived through so much more and hope no one else has to live through this stuff. if i could stop it i would. well good bye for now i love you guys :)

Hi Abbyknowsbest. Seizures can be controlled these days with medication which has very few side effects for most people. My older brother was seizure free for much of his life after suffering seizures in early childhood, until he started drinking as a teenager and eventually they returned. He survived many serious falls. It was not seizures that eventually killed him. It was alcohol. If your mum chooses to drink there is not a lot you can do to stop her. It is her choice. You may find support for yourself in Alateen or Al-Anon. It is free and anonymous and you may meet other people your age that you can talk to about things. You do not have to be religious to begin with although if they stay, most people end up believing in a power greater than themselves. Al-Anon was one place I could always go when my brother was drinking like there was no tomorrow and I was half crazy without understanding why.

I'm 46 and my mother died of cirhossis at the age of 40, when I had just turned 14. She was a closeted drinker, but it wasn't so hard to tell when she was quietly smashed. That was almost always. Her health failed a couple of times and the last episode forced her to confront it and start recovering. Yay for her, but her liver didn't last. I suspect she started secretly drinking again, but who knows. I dabbled with drinking for a time in my 20's and when I got married and decided to start a family, I just quit. Not a drop until my kids were around 10 and 7 and even then, I kept a tight lid on it, for fear of becoming my mother. I never really dealt with all the "stuff" that goes along with having an alcoholic parent. I never realized what co-dependancy is until now. My vulnerabilites led me into a strange and traumatic relationship with someone from my past--someone who knew and loved my mom--and that person turned out to be a psychopath. That experience completely tore the scab off of these old wounds from childhood. All those unconscious messages mom gave me of being ignored, not listened to, etc. all came into play and I'm trying to heal them now. I was never taken to therapy as a teenager, never asked how I was doing, now that all of THAT occured. Life went on with an emotionally absent father and I was again alone with my thoughts and feelings of shame, guilt and just not being "good enough" to help my mother stop, to save her from herself, to WANT to stop for me. So I filled that hole with codependancy and now that I'm aware of it, I just don't know what normal adult functioning IS.

That is almost my story exactly Jillinator. I grew up with an emotionally absent alcoholic father. His resourcefulness, ingenuity, radical self- reliance, questioning of conventional values and his sense of humor were all typical of the generation that survived the great depression and then fought WWII. As a baby- boomer and a teenager in the 1960's I could not have asked for a better role- model except that the house felt empty when I was there with him alone. My mother would fly into fits of rage and tearful self pity whenever his name was mentioned and I was forbidden to talk about him after she left him the year I turned six. Much to her amazing credit and determination she put a roof over my head and food on the table but I was forbidden to talk about my father to anyone or things like D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Because of the urgency of her own needs she never asked how I was traveling which left me locked in a bubble of turmoil. Separation ended my parents marriage but not the strife between them. By about age 19 I was a rebel without a cause if that expression is not too worn- out to use today. The rest of my life was like skating on thin ice until I came across the 12- step fellowships. In spite of many shortcomings they gave me a framework of language and ideas to escape the bubble I had grown up in, and something of a workshop methodology in which to test new roles, responsibilities and ways of living. A school for life. It has it's limitations but they told me to aim for progress not perfection. When I adopted this strategy things began to improve. After about 15 years my involvement in the fellowship has tapered off a bit, but these days I am in a very different place physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. To me today, none of the big questions about life the universe and everything, can be answered without reference to a supreme being. That used to be just a belief.

I'm 13 and my mother passed away in Janurary of alcoholism. She was 44. Her body was failing but she never told me she was dying, she never got the help she needed. She had gone to the hospital before but they said if she drinks again then she'll die. I'm scared that I'll follow the same path with alcohol as well, and I'm scared for my little brother too. I'm seeing a counscelor about this but it just scares me, the fact that I could abuse alcohol and die young..please help? my grandma abused alcohol as well...i'm afraid it runs in the family and that i will have to ...end up like her.

Hi lovelifelikecrazys. Some people can not ever drink alcohol without having one too many. This tendency appears to run in families but no one seems to know the exact mechanism of transmission. It may be genetic or it may be learned or it may be a combination of both. Sometimes the tendency lies dormant for a couple of generations and re- emerges in the third generation, or so I've been told by self- confessed alcoholics in the twelve step fellowship. If you are worried that you may be at risk, I suggest you go to one as I did. Does Alateen exist in your area? This is an Al-Anon family group for teenagers. Both my father and older brother drank themselves to death. Today I am perfectly happy to not drink at all. Without the support of a twelve step fellowship I may have followed them to the grave.

My mom is a single mom so her older sister who didn't have children acted the role of a father. She is still killing herself with alcoholism. I hate to see her in the road to death slowly, is like she wasn't the person i used to know. She was about to die once but she survived, since then, three years have passed and she is still drinking everytime more. She blames the family for her alcoholism, she claims we don't understand her. I feel guilty cause I truly cannot be tolerant to her. We offered her help but she refused.

..I\'m 13 and my mom passed away earlier this year of alcoholism at age 44. She had gone to the hospital for help and they said basically if she drinks again she\'ll die. She didn\'t get the help she needed because she was stubborn..she lingered in all of her pain and never wanted help, she refused and tried to ignore the fact that she was going to die. I understand how it feels to deal with this, I\'m so sorry.

My mom is coming home from treatment today but has a really bad attitude and relapsed after first day last 3 returns...not looking forward to the BS

I think you might be my brother. Our mom got the boot from rehabi, and landed in a bar. Never did make it home. It's hard to tell what is the truth and what is a lie. She said she's going back to rehab. But we don't even know if they'll accept her back. She may just be getting drunk in the hotel bar in the city of the rehab, it's too far away for us to keeps tabs on her.

Ps- it's so sad to see how many people have lots their parents to alcoholism. I'm sorry for each and everyone here because I know what it's like to watch some one you love slowly die. I'm starting to accept the fact that my mom is going to die and there is nothing I can do about it.

I\'m so sorry..I\'m 13 and my mom passed away a couple months ago of alcoholism at age 44..I\'m scared I\'ll end up the same way as her because it is a disease that has been in the family for awhile. I\'m scared. And yes, it is so tragic and painful to see her pass away with out being able to do something. She was stubborn and drank even though doctors told her not to, she ignored the fact she was dying and then she passed. It was the hardest thing i\'ve ever dealt with in my life. My brother is 9 and I\'m scared he\'ll end up the same way too, i want to protect him..it\'s really frightening.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, my mom was stubborn and persistent too. Me and my 16 .yr old brother and 22 yr old sister feel a great deal of pain similar to yours. We lost her just 3 wks ago

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I'm in the same boat Aka (except my mom is still currently busy killing herself). It's a tough road so I feel your pain, but don't let her selfishness and her "disease" distract you from living YOUR life.

My father drank himself to death about 15 years ago and my older brother followed him to the grave the same way a year later. I have known many people to suffer this experience and we all have something in common. We mourn for what we have lost and grieve for what we never had. Only friends and relatives of other alcoholics can understand.

Hi. I am sorryto hear that so many of us had alcoholic parents who died or are dying. Your words moved me. My mother died March 1, 2012. She had been drinking heavily a little over 10 years. Her last months were spent hospitalized and finally in a private room of a nursing home. I was so mean to her about her drinking because nice didnt get me anywhere.My two daughters couldnt spend time alone with her since she refused to drive sober with them. My mother told me often in the beginning that it was the. fault of my siblingps and i that she drank. Our problems were just too stressful. Well i set out on a mission to solve all of our problems without bothering her. Nothing worked. Even through all the drinking and mess ups and lying my mother remained my hero. She was a single mother. Put herself back through college in her forties so we would make it. She was always strong abd let us know that we didnt need prince charmings.. we three girls had the ability to handle anything life threw at us. All of that changed with the drink though. She was like teenager who had rebelled. All of a sudden she could no longer handle anything and i gave her much support in and out of rehab visits. The problem is im sitting here quietly sobbing because i only remember the last few moths i had with her and her dying breath. The happy parts of my memories of her have all gone somwhere. If i cant have her back the way she was at least the powers that be could leave the good memories. I dont know if these words were aceeptable here but i thank you that i felt in good enough company to type them

As far back as I can recall my father always had a drink before anything else. As he got older the drinking progressed and there was less of anything else. I was about forty when I first realized that having flushed the best part of his life down the toilet he would probably drink himself to death. He did within the next five years. I have met many other people with this experience and there is definitely one thing that we all have in common. We all mourn for what we have lost and grieve for what we never had. My father never showed the least bit of interest in AA or in getting sober. I attended Al-anon meetings during the worst of it and met many other people who had been through experiences just like mine. They offered me something I had not found anywhere else, non-judgmental acceptance. No one else seems to understand what it is like watching someone you love drink them self to death. There is really nothing you can do to stop someone else from drinking. The combination of anger, helplessness and guilt would have been insufferable without the 12 step fellowship. You do not have to pledge or pay anything. Just turn up and keep an open mind. When the student is ready the teacher appears.

Here is something i wrote in my Humanities class as a 'This i believe' essay. I used a fight club quote at the end because it is truly a battle. I joined the website just to share my experience of my mothers death three years ago. Hope it gives some light to a situation as tragic as all these all have been.

I believe in Disaster,
A part of her, our memories shared and the lessons she taught me will stay with me always, but for now only her ashes are left for me to keep and spread throughout my lifetime. When I was eighteen years old I admitted my mom into the Baylor hospital and a week later my mom passed after over a decade of alcoholism on November 7, 2010. Her liver was completely deteriorated with little chance of turn around along with kidney failure. With her internal organs failing her I had to say goodbye and so I embraced her one last time and gave her a kiss goodnight in her hospital bed for eternity. In only a few months I will be graduating high school and walking the stage, completing a chapter, turning the page to my future and a future without my mom, my best friend. I can only speak about this now because then I had no voice. Often times I would find myself lying in bed before this disaster occurred and often wondering how I was going to take care of my mom for the rest of our life together at 8 years old . I hope she will quit soon-10 years old. When will this end?- 13 years old. I’m looking up rehabs at 15 years old.. What is rock bottom? the ultimate question in my mind by 17 years old.. Often times I wanted to just call the police or scream for help, my mom is dying! Please save us! For years. The rabbit hole of depression can take people so far and often times it was difficult for me to understand, but it affected me just the same. I felt depression, I felt physically sick, and I felt hopeless for us.
I believe in Resurrection,
Much like a phoenix rising from a pool of his past ashes to live yet again, I have too, risen. I have been released from that pain, the addiction and lifestyle in silence. I am even more relieved my mom no longer has to suffer and now I can find happiness like she would have really wanted. Though her ashes I possess cannot be resurrected into the amazing being she truly was, I forgive her for choosing the path she did, I forgive her because I love her. Love is the only real thing on this earth and I know despite her depression, she loved me like a mother and that is immortal. I will hold her last words forever close. My mom was a wise woman, she prepared me to handle all I can now and that is the greatest gift she gave me; to choose. I choose to live, I choose to carry on after disaster. I choose to rise above because I am alive. As bittersweet the years I spent with my mom were I truly believe ‘Only after disaster can we be resurrected.’

This brought me to tears, I experienced something similar, what a brave daughter she left behind... Remember that our moms will always be with you, they are half of you and remember the good sensitive soul they had that brought you to life

I am sixty seven and my mom died due to alchoholism 42 years ago today, March 17th. She was only 47. I really have not gotten over this my entire life, although one might say my life has been successful with a family, career, friends and now retirement. I always have this feeling that I could have done something but either did not or could not. I worry about one of my sons now, who at 39, drinks too much. My greatest fear has surfaced again...how can I help my son?

I am 17 years old and my mother passed feb 4 2013 due to alcholism she died at 43 and today is her birthday march 14... all that i pretty much wanted in a family never came true..but my mother was never a bad woman if anything everyone looked up to her as a great mother she was a beautiful woman and her personality was unforgettable.. when my mother started to drink it was when my dad and my mother got divorce he beat my mother i don't really know him as a person but he was rarely in my life and we moved to Charlotte so my mom got a house with her bff she was with since 7th grade and she got me and my brother in school he is 16 now and we did everything but i did eventually realize when i grew up to be 15 she was a real alcholic since we've moved here....she was adopted so i don't know that side...it was just only me her and my brother she called us the three muskteers...she eventually had health issues first it was the vomiting of blood or bleeding a lot after metapose she then has weird ceizures after she could barely walk down the staris... and nobody has ever known of this she beca,e somebody she wasn't and eventually this day she agreed to go to the e.r then me forcing her and it was when she was there over a week somebody says she has 3months or 30 days she died in a week i watched her as she passed away I'll never forget it...they pronounced her dead 3times...she didn't want to let go...but i never knew she was on life support the last time i saw her in icu i was argruing with my stepdad about my real father getting custody of us again not being 18 in the law legal way it sucks and at the end he did get my brother...charlotte. his whole life to Colorado with a bunch of strangers the next day...i miss my mom a lot i didn't get to say bye....i really wish she would just see me for a sec to kiss me and hug me gooodbye...buti try to stay strong for her and my brother..they put him in a mental hospital he said he would try to kill himself now he's regretting what he says bit im not alowwed to talk to him about my mom and the good ans great memories. If anyone needs advice i need some.....ans how to emotionally deal and aceept this..

Wow, I can't believe that I just discovered this blog. I have been wondering where to turn to. I looked into an al anon group recently but did not make it to the meeting, then got busy with things and was telling myself that I am okay.

But I know in my heart that I am really not. My mother died on Christmas day of cirrhosis of the liver. Her liver and kidneys slowly shut down over the course of about a month (although the process had begun years before of course). She had hepatic encephalopathy which gave her dementia and ventrices which made her vomit blood. They told me she was sick again at the beginning of December just as I was finishing my masters thesis. I wasn't able to come down immediately. She had many bouts of "near death" over the last ten years, and I was just too wrapped up in trying to finish something that was very important to me to break away (not to mention I did not have the funds to do so).

As per her usual routine, she began to make a miraculous recovery around the middle of the month, so I rested easy and celebrated my graduation with plans to visit on the 23rd. During that time she developed an infection called sepsis, which involves complete organ failure. She slipped into a coma just 48 hours before I was supposed to arrive. I had kept in touch with my sisters throughout most of her ordeal (who were able to come down earlier than me). They said that she had been violent. She was hallucinating. They had to strap her down, and she still kept hitting, slapping and biting herself.

When she passed she was completely bloated, green. Her eyes kept rolling in the back of her head like some sort of possessed demon. It was the most horrible thing I think I have ever seen. However, when she passed we all felt an odd sense of peace. In a way, I thank God that she is finally gone, but I still miss her of course.

Despite all of the pain and damage that she did to us as children and the horrors that she put us through, the fact is that before the booze got her she was a beautiful, vivacious, creative woman who put a smile on almost anyone's face when she walked into a room. We are all so sad that we could not help her, but she refused all of our help and continued to lie and steal and squander everything that ever meant anything to us all so that she could continue drinking. I feel so angry and hurt still and also numb.

We spend Christmas and New Years cleaning out her apartment, because she had nothing left (not even a life insurance policy) and we had to have her things out by the 1st. Luckily, the apartment complex was lenient with us b/c of the circumstances. Anyway, I still feel really numb, because this is all so fresh. But I just couldn't believe some of the parallels with other stories I was reading, and I guess I just needed to get some of this off of my chest.

I can't believe this horrible disease has effected all of us so deeply, and I am truly sorry to all of you. I think we have to find strength in sharing our stories and in building better lives for ourselves. God bless to all of you, and thank you for listening.

Hello jshepa13 and all other adult daughters of an alcoholic mom. My mom died 5 days ago, suddenly but expected. Fortunately, she died in her sleep without the drama and mess jshepa13 describes. I had expected she would go the way she lived, chaos, drama, narcissism, etc., but instead she went silently and I hope without pain. She was 66, I'm 45. I've endured everything everyone else on this site has posted about and now experience the same conflicted emotions. It's so difficult. I miss her but am relieved at the same time, for both of us. Alcoholism is a tragedy and a waste of a life. I identify with everyone else in that I go back and forth between "I wasn't good enough for her to stop" while logically understanding she was sick in her mind. She never admitted she was an alcoholic, didn't want to die (or so she said), and was careless all her life and seemingly got away with it until now. Someone always "saved" her, oftentimes me at a high expense. I stopped trying after she almost died 3 years ago and made it back but then started drinking again, I just couldn't believe it. What demons she must have had...or did she just like the alcohol too much? I could never tell. Her last night alive she tried to order wine. Her liver was gone, kidneys failing, full of infections/wounds that wouldn't heal anymore, water in her lungs, in a nursing home, and what she wants is wine! But, she was still my mom even though she abandoned me several times and was often mean and selfish from the alcohol. We had some lovely times, I'm trying to think more good than bad but am not sure. Others saw her as a vivacious, beautiful woman who liked to have fun and party, and I'll try to remember her like that and the good times. She was a child once and free of this horrible monster disease, and life just didn't work out the way she must have thought. Or maybe she didn't. Her mother was also an alcoholic and died at 63. I miss my real mom, my sober mom, and will always love her despite all the pain. Rest in peace.

This is so sad, and also so that so many of us (myseof included) can relate. My own mother hasn't yet passed, though at her current rate it's inevitable. I haven't spoken to her in months, she's caused much grief in my life and won't acknowledge she has a terrible disease/addiction to the bottle. I don't know what I'd do if she passed away with our relationship as non-existent as it has become. I hope I never have to find out. Best of luck to you, my heart goes out to you and all others dealing with the loss of a parent to the liquid devil... <3 <3 <3

my mom was the best. She took me and my sibiling on holidays and camping. She was always there for us. I miss her so much. I wish everyday that I could talk to her one more time. Is there anyone else out there that had a parent that was like this,and still left this world because of alcohol abuse. I would of done anything for my mom and she would of done anything for me. I donot feel my mom ruined anything for me I have many great memories of her and I love my life.

my Mum died two weeks ago. She pretended it was not happenning so i pretended a bit too. i loved her so much, but when icomfonted her she knew all the reight things to say i am guilty but i beli eved her ****

You wrote this quite a while ago, but I thought you should know I appreciate it. My mother died a few weeks ago, also from alcohol and drug abuse. I was so mad at her for ruining my childhood and adolescence, and now it's all so much worse because there will never be any resolution. She left my whole family to clean up her mess, and I can't even mourn normally because her life was so screwed up and now I'm having to deal with it.
Of all the stuff I've looked at online about the death of substance abusing parents, this is the one thing that resonates with me.

I am 28 years old and just lost my mother who was 54 from liver and kidney failure due to her 20 year battle with alcoholism. My story has a heart-breaking twist though. My mother drank heavy most of my life. I didn't have the best childhood, but after 20 years my mother had spent the last 2 years attempting to remain sober and change her life. We thought she was lucky that so far she hadn't managed to have any serious health or medical problems from drinking and we thought she was especially in the clear considering she hadn't drank in two years. I was enjoying getting to know the mother I didn't have in childhood. Life was good for a little while. One day several months ago, I was at my mothers house and we were talking and getting ready to go shopping for the afternoon and when my mom went to grab her purse from the other room she suddenly fell to the floor. I ran to her and saw blood dripping out of her nose and mouth, her eyes were rolled back in her head and she was barely breathing, she wouldn't respond to me. I called 911 and she was rushed to the hospital and put on life support in the ICU. We found out she had liver and kidney failure due to her 20 years of alcoholism and even though she had stopped drinking, she had done so much damage, that her liver had been slowly shutting down for a while and we just didn't know. She spent months in a coma in the ICU and we were told she wouldn't survive. Somehow, she pulled threw and woke up. We were told in order to survive she would have to receive a liver transplant as soon as possible and that until then she'd be put on dialysis to flush out her body like her liver and kidneys were suppose to do. We quickly realized she wouldn't survive being placed on a liver transplant list so I decided to be a live liver donor for her. Because she had been sober for 2 years and had changed her life and received therapy/treatment for her alcoholism I was willing to have a piece of my liver removed and given to her. I went through months of testing while she remained in the hospital on dialysis but finally I was cleared to donate and I was a match. 2 weeks prior to the date planned for the actual transplant surgery, I was visiting my mom in her hospital room and was talking to her while she was hooked up to the dialysis machine and in mid-sentence she suddenly flopped over and once again blood was running from her nose and mouth and a series of loud beeps and noises began to sound off all the monitors she was hooked up to. I was frozen in shock.Her heart had stopped. Nurses and doctors ran in and started trying to resuscitate her. They managed to regain a heartbeat and she was placed on full life support but went into a coma and never woke up again. We found out even with dialysis, at that very moment, she had completely lost any and all function in her liver or kidneys and since your liver is what creates the enzymes that make the blood clot, she began leaking blood from her nose, mouth, ears, eyes, everywhere. She was bleeding to death internally and mainly at the injection site of the dialysis tube. They tried to keep transfusing blood in as fast as it was leaking out, they tried to give her plasma and medicines to attempt to get her blood to clot, but it failed. She lived another 8 hours on life support, enough time to alert family and everyone to come see her to say their goodbyes. We had been so close to possibly giving her a new lease on life. It was too little too late. I had done everything to try and save her and at the last minute she passed anyway. I have tried to accept I did everything on my part I could. I have tried to remember, she caused it on herself with her poor choices that spanned over 20 years but its hard to get past she really had tried to change but all the trying in the world just couldn't undo all the damage she had done to her poor body. It just gave out. So she didn't die in vain, all I can do is break the cycle and not follow in her footsteps. I never want my own child to live with what I've been through. Never. But I do hope my mother, where ever she's gone to, has found the peace she just couldn't seem to find here on earth. I hope now she's free from her pain.

I am 21 years old. I grew up in a foster home because my parents had addictions. I moved to the city two years ago, where they both live and although they still had struggles, I would spend as much time as I could with both of them. My mother died almost a month ago of alcoholism. She was 45. She started drinking really heavily recently, drinking the toxic stuff - rubbing alcohol and mouthwash. Her boyfriend John had been staying away from their place on and off because her drinking and behavior while drunk was bad for his heart. He had a couple heart attacks in the past year so he was looking out for his own life. My mom tried to stop but was struggling, especially when he would leave. She was paranoid he had found someone else. I guess she eventually drank herself to death because her body broke down finally from gastrointestinal bleeding. She passed away on the 10th of July in her hotel room with no one but her cat Princess around. John found her when he came home from work. He and myself and my sister are all devastated. He feels guilty. My sister and I feel lost, I'm at least glad that we all have eachother. I feel so much pain for not only myself but for John and my sister as well. A week before she died, the last time I saw her, she had stomach pains. Lying in bed, upset about John. I asked her what it was and she just told me she had gotten beat up. I wish everyday that I had done something different when I had seen her last. I wish she told me the truth about the pain. One of the last things I said to her was "dont worry mom, Barbara and I are going to help you through this. Just hold on, we are figuring everything out, just hold on" I only got two solid years with her from when I moved to the city. Now I have to live on without her. I know she is no longer hurting but it's so hard to accept the "forever" part of goodbye. Alcoholism is such a horrendous part of life and I would never wish the pain I feel on my worst enemy. Rest in peace to My beautiful mother Tina James and everyone else's lost family members on this site. God bless.

Hi Linjam27. My father was emotionally absent for most of my life due to his drinking and my mother was on the verge of a nervous breakdown the whole time I was growing up. It was a living nightmare for all of us. Fear, guilt, shame and emotional abuse were a constant part of our daily lives. Nothing helped me come to terms with it more than the faith and hope I found in the 12 step fellowships. Nobody plans to become an alcoholic. It is a terminal illness which can not be cured but in the fellowship many alcoholics find sobriety and go into remission, a day at a time. Unfortunately my father and older brother did not. My father drank himself to death at age 77. My older brother died the same way at 54. I remain grateful for the inner peace I found on my own behalf in a 12 step fellowship. These days I prefer not to drink at all. Knowledge makes it easier to forgive. Had my father died of cancer, everyone would have felt sorry for him. He did not choose to be an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a thief. Cunning, baffling and powerful, as they say. I guess he loved me in his own way although I seldom felt it. I remember people trying to tell him that he drank too much, but he would always shrug them off as a spoilsport. That is what makes Alcoholics Anonymous so credible. When someone with the reputation of being a hopeless drunk just stops drinking people can not help but notice. When someone who is sober, sane and sensible says to you I am an alcoholic and today I choose to remain sober one day at a time they show that no argument is more powerful than a living example. No one has ever understood my plight as well as the friends and families of other alcoholics. I did not know what was wrong with me but they did. When I first began to attend some meetings I thought someone had been reading my mail. Not only did they reflect my life back to me, eventually they GAVE it back to me. I may not even be alive today if not for that program and fellowship.

i found al anon very helpful in understanding myself and a lot of the issues I faced because of my mothers alcoholism. through the program i have begun to understand many of my behaviours and fears and I am learning how to be a better role model to my kids. It is really hard though and i can see it is a lifelong journey as I put up so many defences as a child to cope with living in such a difficult situation. I also have needed a lot of individual counselling but the mess unravels year by year and as long as I am growing it feels right. i wish you love and courage in your journey.

I am now older than my old man was when he passed due to his drinking. (One of the 1000's of reasons why I don't drink.) My best friend never even made it to age 50. I get so angry when I think about this because I relate what they did to themselves as suicide because each death was COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE.

My mom is 52. She has been an alcoholic since the age of 14. She met my father at an AA retreat on the beach..they are both alcoholics. Alcohol tore apart their marriage. She had ten-12 years of sobriety before she started up again. During those years she gave birth to four of us. I am the oldest of four, ranging in age from 17-23. We are all good kids, probably despite them. My dad would never admit he has a problem, but he has a bad temper and his stressed out easily, especially with chronic back pain. My mom is extremely depressive and suffers from severe anxiety. I love them both, but I am becoming numb to the situation. Since my grandmother died (not an alcoholic), my mother has not been the same. A year of sobriety here, a few months there. But today I was driving two hours to pick her up from her job because she lost her liscenece and wrecked her car due to alcohol. Trying to support her and help her keep a job, I dropped her off, she would stay in a hotel near the job site. Today i drove up there..she wouldn't anwser my texts. I called her a couple of times, no anwser. More calls...she finally anwsers. I know she was drunk. After 12 years of dealing with this, I know what she sounds like under the influence. "are you drunk?" -"no.." "Oh. well...please anwser the phone when I call. I will be there in thirty minutes."



I call when i reach the work site and she has turned off her phone. I try all the different hotels in the area, and finally find the one she is staying at. They won't give me her room number, so they try to call her room. She has all calls blocked from the service desk. I call the cops. When they get there, I explain the situation. They go up to her room and a few minutes later ask me to come up. 20+ liters of wine bottles. Barefoot. Livingston. ****. wine. **** in the toilet. vomit in the bathtub. she had her shoes on. The cop gave her a guilt trip and then left. I asked her if she wanted to die. She said yes.



Guess I'm not worth living for. How can I let her go with out trying to save her? it's a loose-loose situation.



God bless the children of alcoholics. Our hearts are heavier than mosts. Let's compare scars, we'll show them whose is worst...

I am 27 and my alcoholic mother who is 50 yrs. old was just sent to Hospice yesterday. I have dealt with her alcoholism most of my life. She was mean, unloving and cruel due to her drinking from about the time I was 10 years old and on. Then, as she developed liver disease from drinking, I was the only one around to care for her. She had abandoned me for drinking when I was just a little girl yet here I was being there for her. She never apologized for what her drinking had done to me, I doubt she's even aware how she's truly wounded my soul. I am now 27, I am watching her slip away more and more everyday and I can't help but feel, I wasn't good enough for her to live for..

Alcoholism is a disease, no one is to blame, I think of alcohol like being a demon within someones body, it happens to lots of people no matter what their background is, I sometimes think that it is worse than drugs, its a bigger killer and what makes it worse is that its socially exceptable and its legal. If you have lost someone to alcohol misuse its very hard to cope with the loss, just remember its not your fault dont dwell on all the bad times, remember the good times you shared together, its good to make an album and put together any photos of any good shared memories you had, it really helps when you are feeling down.