My Story

my experience might not be as bad as others but I certainly carry the traits described both on this forum and in a number of books written on the topic.  therapy has  most certainly helped me break some (not all) of the patterns - I would highly recommend this as a way to find at least some relief from the anxiety that will always follow you.

My story is as follows: My dad was a functioning alcoholic who binge drank.  Dad never drank at home or when we were out at a restaurant or social occasion.  There was no alcohol in the house!  His pattern was to periodically disappear for a couple of days once or twice a month. usually on a friday night and return on Sunday morning - early so as not to wake anyone.  This went on from the time I can remember to when i was 14 and he stopped drinking altogether (more on that later).  As an only child I remember the palpable fear of the unknown - where is dad? when is he coming home, etc.  I should point out that my dad was a professional man - very successful and seemed to find an outlet for his addiction that did not seem to affect his ability to support his family.  luckily neither he nor anyone else was either injured or killed when he would return home.

My sober Dad - was/is a great guy and an inspiration in life.  Self made man with only a 10th grade education. Kind and attentive also very generous to other people.  Intellectually curious and ambitious - I owe alot of my present success to my dad.  Drunk Dad fortunately was never abusive - but i could always tell he was ashamed of this demon.  In recent years we have been able to talk about what happened.  My dad started drinking when he was 10 years old, as did his older brother who is still drinking. For my Dad it was about loss of control.  for me it was about the terrible worry of a 10 year old not knowing where his dad is but knowing why he is missing.  my mother pretended it was not happening.  my dad was never abusive when he drank  -  in fact the few times I encountered my father drunk he would usually apologize that he was ashamed of his behaviour.  

My Freshman year in HS was when everything changed. He joined AA and as part of his recovery he sat me down to explain what had been happening, apologize for his behavour but made it clear that this was something he had to do or as he put it, " he would probably die if he didn't"  I am proud of the fact that my dad has remained sober for over 30 years.  even so he is still vigilant and attends periodic meetings.

where did that leave me?  in adulthood I became angry about it.  I was left with a number of traits of the ACOA.  

-intense anxiety

-fear of trusting others 

-intense feelings of despair when romantic relationships ended.

-depression (prior to therapy I endured a depression so bad that I used to call it the "steel curtain"  - i could actually visualize my episodes as if a steel curtain would block my eyes from the rest of the world.  it was incredibly frightening - because i would disassociate from people and events.)

-constant feelings of being unloved and feelings of inadequecy 

Therapy got me back on track - probably saved my life.  Unfortunately it did not save me from unmaking mistakes prior to treatment.  The biggest being a wife, who i love and am still married to, from becoming an alcoholic.  Even though I have confronted her about it she refuses to seek any help.  But of course that is what the 12 step prayer is all about.

I went through many years blaming my parents.  that is all over now.  forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  my story is not nearly as bad as others - no physical abuse.  even so it does not diminish the damage that was done.  the main thing is not to wallow in self pity but rather to take strength from it and learn from the experience.